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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Trusting God!.. To enter:/ to leave

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Oct 30, 2012 4:18 pm

THe concept of using real feelings in the real world is Preposterous. obliterated from numerous concocted continues catastrophes, my mind was ruptured.. Any sane man would leave the world and not return, stay on the safe floatation raft; never enter the deep blue waters of indecision.. Unfortunately I am not one of those men... I am adventurous and I trust God.

The problem: My last attempt to integrate into society failed. I found the only options forced direction; a quit death.
I was surrounded by the enemy on all sides. As a boy it was unfortunate. It is unfortunate now!

It did happen to me...

I realized all corridors of escape left me bound up in shackles. I had to bow down to death.. I had to say good by... All that was left to me? the greater Universe, and the power above; the originator; I would be going to him shortly....

Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results is the definition of insanity! Hmmm......

---------------------------------------------

Relationships:

As I wake up I take chances... I would like to describe what I have found. I will present this in chronological order:

1. They may smile at you from a socially expectable fair distance, and it may be consistent with the flow of time. However, do not get to close. The closer you get, the white teeth of bigotry and contempt began to turn... The teeth of this humanness tiger shark are oblique and serrated for sawing through flesh; The deeper flesh of my self worth, dignity and vision. Get to close, and this person of love and happiness turns into a partisan of superiority! Humiliating at best!,.

Thus, the end of the play, that which was not described in the beginning will kill me in the end...

Vanity will prevail at my expense. I will find Im always at the loss, and the other will gain from stealing my soul.

2. The sharks give resources as long as they are in control: it is a game for them!, a parlor trick... they are valueless people.

3. If I move forward, I move forward into! I move back into! I may attempt forward motion and fly above that I move into!

4. I wanted to be safe!, Im not sure such an attitude attributes itself to interaction.... any interaction is not safe. If I choose not to find heaven or look for its gates by way of self offing. or, If I choose not to hold up in an apartment room talking to myself in a merrier for company, or, if I choose to move beyond the xbox experience; I find myself moving outside. I move outward... What will I find. I will find death as I found before. I will find little safety for myself. I will discover God will sustain me... I will move back up the mark of Napoleons surrender. I will face the cold of the russian winters; on my own, with no retreat... These winters represent relationships I have no control over. they represent the realities of relations with others I have no control over. It is better to be accepting then right...

5. Rules of the outside world: the concept must be accepted. At times, it is better to be with others... it is desirable to be in intimate relationships...

A pirate ship moves inward through the locks of the canal, into the river heading inland through the jungle. Further it moves down the waterways. looking back, the river entrance is gone, directions must come from above... From God... I know of now safe way onto the land except that which I am not in control of.... I must surrender to the language of the surrounding jungles... I do not owe them.. I must understand; I must adapt. The jungle is alive like a computer is alive. It speaks like a computer, it lies like a computer...

I am involvement or I am lying.. One has no choice but to be involved in involvement. One must understand; there is no safe hiding and safe direction of involvement. One must be involved in involved..

I must take God with me. Acceptance is reality... much acceptance. Once I look around at unreality, I will see; the tools I need from the outside shall come from the outside path. I will roam to find them.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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