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Trigger warning; sexual; How to let others get close

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jun 16, 2018 1:12 pm

Trigger warning;
Dealing with the psychopaths that raped me and teamed against me when young! I was continually taken to one of the psychopaths homes an molested or serious sexual harassment! When very small; I was taken over to their house by my mother who gave me to them. On my birthday, I would be taken into another room, have my pants removed and spanked and prodded; much like a Doctor during an examination! With enough years and times of going through this; I became dissociate and I become dissociative from other things!
Later; when I was given away; I was forced to live with this psychopath and his wife! His wife was no better! an accomplice; no conscious! She was a strange mix of sinister with no psychological make up! She had no conscious; and was a sociopath in her own right!
I was chased around and groomed like a girl; I was being chased around like a girl! This man would put his hands on my legs, upper inner thigh, open hands, next to my crotch and leave them their as if I was owned! I cannot tell you how much dissociation began because of this! I was between the ages of 10-13. To have someone treat me like I was a girl for his fantasies! I was harassed like this all the time; forced to be put into wrestling moves on the floor and many other things!
Being touched by this monstrosity anytime he choose as if it was normal; I became extremely dissociative; I was no way out; I had been given away; I was a throw away child; used and groomed from the last place I resided; I was not sexually abused at that place because a male figure was running the house hold; he was a sociopath and a potential rapist of women! I did not know this until later; his was a sadistic psychopath! She is the one that was part of a team that probably had me raped from the ages of 0-3; more then probable! I wont go into it here!
The problem Im having is; every time I think about dating a women; I can not stand the idea of her touching me in private areas or on my legs! Im freaking out thinking about it; my emotions start going nuts in a state of fear just thinking about being touched by anyone! Im trembling and crumbling as I write this! Im betting triggered all over the place! I see this sycophant touching me and freak! I cant believe I can allow a women to do this; not on my legs! Lots of PTSD!
I was forced to allow this filth to do this because he had complete control of my young life; I had no place to run or hide; I was taken from my home; I had nowhere to go! So, my mind disappeared from all of this! but now; how am I suppose to allow a women to touch my body!
So; if I want to date women; I have to get over this! And how can this be; for anyone that has been captured or a captive and raped repeatedly and or molested repeatedly; how can this be possible in addiction; no home, no one cares that Im alive or what happens to me! Im being daily destroyed as a human being by these inner species predators! and society turns an eye in the other direction!
I don't want to deal with another privileged rich therapist from a wealthy background that is therapy-ing for the fun of it; no background in real trauma! Im sick of those people; at times it seemed like I was baby sitting the therapists!
I wanted to kill; kill everything after I was raped and thrown away as I was; I had no rights! No one; nothing; my schooling and future being destroyed; I being destroyed from the beginning of my life and not knowing it! being fooled and being groomed! I never knew until it was 2 late!
The reason Im writing this; I would like relationships with women; but I cannot see how I can allow them to touch me an get used to it; it would feel like Im being molested; and it would trigger this time period of my life where others are touching me force-ably. I had no control and could not escape!
How am I to deal with the Ptsd rage of this and be in a relationship with someone! How is it possible! Every time I fantasies about a women touching me; especially in the leg area; I get triggered into full dissociative disorder; I see a mans hands working its way up my legs toward my crotch or hands laying or sitting on my legs inappropriately. this sickens me to a point of dissociation and worse!
Possibly, its time to ask God for the right kind of women into my life! My mother was a women and a psychopath! So, I used to women having power over me in an un healthy death like way.
Its obvious to me; Im going to need special type women to date who I feel safe with and can explain these things to; the problem is PTSD and full triggering when being touched by someone in intimate ways; Im taken back to this horror part of my childhood and I have no clue how Im going end up with relationships with women!
I get triggered and scared of women because my mother was a psychopath! Again; more triggering; Its automatic!
I see women larger then life and horrible! I see them as monsters! For their was more then one women who abused me and was in a position of authority over me! So, that is another horror show! Im not giving up! I have to work through this and work through the triggering! God help me!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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