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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Trauma Bond

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Dec 19, 2020 11:32 am

Ive had a problem attracting narcissists sociopaths psychopaths. Ive done this to get love. Ive created a fantasy trauma bond with them in mind; because I want their approval and love; I want them to be my Dad and my Mom and Ill be a good little boy and get their love.
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I tell you this; the best self love I can do going down my recovery journey is to wake up from this; to see my own behavior and how what what Im chasing after... and why.
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I was get devastated when one of the narcissists would use me and discard me and not be my Mom and Dad; I thought I had gotten they favor; but I hadn't. And they turn on me viciously and wont love me anymore and they rip me to pieces.
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So; Im starting to wake up to a whole lot of sociopaths around me and slowly asking the question; am I starting to wake up yet that I dont need them in my life? Ive made them into a whole world of nice people; I mean; different characters in my fantasies; but in reality; they are monsters playing a role for me and nothing more... they are not real people; they are monsters and Ive clothed them in what ever realm Ive needed them to be for me; but the problem is; its a child bond fantasy... and Im slowly coming through it I think.
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Ive hidden in sociopaths but its back firing and its rough when it back fires. The truth is; I dont think Im worthy of having anything; I feel like Im nothing in the world and dont deserve anything.
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I feel like; when everything is stripped away; Im just this broken alone person with no personal power; just an average person.
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Im so looking forward to being stripped of the sociopaths and coming out of this trauma bond.
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Its better to be nothing or at ground level in my own reality then to be in a fantasy with a bunch of fake monsters eating on me all day long because Im in a dream world and not present while Im the meal. I'm slowly waking up and running out of that cave....
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I would say; How can I claim Ive had any relationships when all ive associated with are sociopaths; did I loose any relationships; did I loose my mind; I dont think so; I never had any in to start with. I never met anyone; not really; I ended up around sociopaths. Ive never been around normal people ever; I dont think Ive ever had a real friend that wasn't a sociopath of some kind... So; the next big move is to have normal people has friends? To come out of the trauma bond. How can I call sociopaths friends?
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I will pray about all this.. Im starting to see it.
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All the women problems Ive had lately; all the pain and betrayal; it was never real in the first place; they were just sociopaths... no one real to begin with. and I mean this. I mean; In my fantasy bond; I create whole worlds and I use these sociopaths as my starting place. I never really understood I was using these sociopath for love; but I do now. I began to understand that all the people I loved and wanted relationships with were liars... I mean; dishonest; and I thought lately; something is wrong here. And they are deceptive. Why am I trying to have relationships with deceptive people; I mean; What?
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I realized; I cant have a relationship with dishonest people; and really stopped and thought about this; " what am I doing"; Im grieving the loss of some women because she was deceptive and a liar; and I thought; wait? Why am I around a women that is deceptive and a lair; I'm not deceptive and a liar... I mean; I guess I am; I was hoping to fool her into believing I was like her so I could get some love and also to win.. I wanted to win her over and win against all the sociopaths; but in the end waking up is winning because they are just limited animals and nothing more. They are not possible to have as friends or relationships; thus; if you remove them; I have nothing; I mean; its like ive been in a giant dream world with nobody. no one their; everything is silent; I never even really started on my journey yet... Ive been living in a corner within my mind.
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" I wanted to win her over"; Win who over; a sociopath?
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Why do I keep getting used; because Im dealing with sociopaths; Im in their realm; they think Im one of them because I associate with them; and so; they act as if I accept them as they are; soon they realize I bulk; Im not like them; Im a human being; suddenly Im their enemy; they hook up with other sociopaths and turn on me; and they have no idea what this human stuff Im talking about; they have no idea what it is; they think Im crazy; I have a conscious. Im looking for acceptance and love and to win... I want to win against this group and move on; over come them and move on; be accepted by them and move on; be loved by them; taken care of by them and patted on the back by them and accepted and then moved on; Im looking for my mother and father to love me and accept me and then ill move on.
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I cannot expect anything from a sociopath. And Im starting wake up to this fact; to see this giant trauma bond as the main problem. Im not ready to let go of it yet; Im still needing it to survive. But Im getting it; Ill continue to work on this and wake up hopefully.
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So; I had this girl ( women) I liked. I tried to created this fantasy bond around her but it didnt work. All she was is a sociopath possibly psychopathy. I mean; Forget it; No one that exists.. nothing; I created a complete false person on top of this sociopath. Something happened this time to wake me up that this was a sociopath and I better get out of their. Something told me I hadn't started my journey yet; I was just living in this fantasy bond; I was imagining this women as I would have liked her to be and living through my imagination... the problem was; I was actually seeing this women at different times during the week; meaning; seeing her at meetings; we are not friends. And I didnt like her. I never liked her. I never trusted her. She ended up courting another man in front of me; lawless and with no conscious; so; after a few more interactions with her; always causing pain; I thought; " What am I doing". Why am I associating with this monster; I should be 1000 miles away from these people. They seem to be in the right realm and they all accept and understand each other; but Im the one that doesn't fit in here. Whats wrong with this picture. I need to escape; thats the problem; but if I escape; what does this tell me. This tells me I was never in reality to start with. If Ive never been in reality then; where have I been. Ive been in my imagination creating people... And calling it living. When I come out of this fantasy bond; I come back to a place where no one exists because in reality Ive not created anything yet; I only created things in my imagination.
Something happened; I got hurt; but some how I didnt buy into it. I mean; the sociopaths tried to take advantage of me but I saw through it and realized; Why am I playing games with sociopaths or sadistic narcissists; why? They cant give me a relationship; this is crazy; In their world they are normal; In my world they are criminals; so; why am I associating with them. If I loose them; what does it mean; well; I was never really present in the first place; Im loosing nothing. they were strangers; complete strangers in the first place... total strangers.
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They were total strangers... I walked away from total strangers that never understood me in the first place. So technically; I have to wake up first to a world of silence and start over attracting real people; people like myself. Im not sure Ive ever done this... In fact; I havent; Ive been hurt and in a state of dissociation and never attracting anything... to weak for that; 2 weak to be beyond a few feet in front of me.
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Ive been to weak to attract real people. Ive not been out of my corner I think; Ive been in my imagination the whole time creating a world in my head that does not exist. I started to realize; My God; Ive found a group of spiders in a spiders nest; Ive tried to call it a society; ive tried to make them into nice people. Ive tried making friends and tried dating them; only to be rudely awaken by them that they are spiders... Suddenly reality is upon me and I ask the question; what went wrong. And I suddenly realize; nothing is wrong. Ive been trying to co habituate with spiders and when I wake up to this and come out of the spiders nest into the light; I realize ive never even been in reality nor have I been dealing with any kind of life. Ive been in a fantasy bond.
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As I said before; I started to realize; the people around me are not honest; that was my first clue that something is wrong. Im an honest person and cannot have relationships with dishonest people; How could I. Its impossible; what am I doing? These monsters are deceptive; So; answer; find people that are not deceptive and that are honest. Have I ever done this; no! never! Well then what do I do.
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Am I honest; yes; Im an honest person who is living in a fantasy; Im not a criminal trying to get better in recovery...
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Ill pray and work with God on this tuff...

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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