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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Trapped between 2 worlds

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm

So; The child in me is having success. The adult in me is nowhere to be seen.
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Ive heard of people adulting and liking it; Some don't. but some do; In my case; their is no adult life; Ive had a mental illness life. Ive had recovery life; with the adjustment that I will tolerate the BS to survive.
I was at a couple of events; social events through my groups that I attend; whether or not I fit into the groups; meaning; I feel safe or loved or comfortable. I am safe and loved but don't always feel socially comfortable; and it shows; regardless; " Im in"; Ive earned me seat; as they say in my fellowships; Im in. Many times I feel outside the groups; or socially outside; but Im not; Yesterday; I talked with numerous people about many things; building connections within the groups at outings. While participating in the outdoor potlucks or swimming parties at the local campout lake sites... that kind of thing; vacation spots; day vacations or camping for several days with events.
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So; the child in me is making it happen. Im like a 4 year old that is having social success; its not perfect; what makes it perfect is my ability to survive whether I feel isolated in a corner or not; Im not really isolated. Im part of; I can turn around at anytime and talk to someone.
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The problem is; The child in me is experiences many things; new things and things of old. And Im really happy about this; but the adult in me is no where to be seen.
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Adult life is missing.
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I live in an an apartment based on the state; Ive spent the last third of my life going to therapists; riding mountain bikes; and going to 12 step meetings. Trying to learn how to interact and show up around people again while dealing with CPTSD, Dissociative disorder, AVPD, milder forms of clinical depression, Agoraphobia; And hanging out with people that; some understand and many don't.
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My main focus is on what I feel I need and what feels good; and this means; the child in me is running the show learning to survive and get his needs met; This means; Im tough'nd; I can survive around a bunch of people socially and get my needs met; even tho the intellectual person is not getting fed; the child is getting fed; so, that means; family, means acceptance, Im accepted, I have a seat. It means social events and meetings and interactions. However, the adult is not getting fed yet. And theirs still problems.
How am I accepted. Am I treated with respect for who I am; Hell no! They couldn't respect me if they wanted to; In fact; instead of giving me respect; they treat me as a little harmless kid who is inferior; and I have to deal with that; boundaries. Its not easy; all the backward judgments of the people around me. They see me as less then they are; or they've got something on it. but Im surviving in these circles. Its not easy; but deep deep down Im getting the base recovery for the child in me; Im sacrificing how the adult looks to others to get this base attention the child needs; and its hard to get it anywhere else; and my higher power has me in these meeting or this one purpose; to get that child fed; but hat about the adult; thats where this is leading; the child has to get built and satisfied that he's home again; then I will naturally move on to the next level; and that would the next year beyond.
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Im learning; when dealing with some people; to stay away from them; dont fight with them; move away from them; they were never my friends or safe to be around. and I have to learn how to do with this boundary wize-. Its allot of work; I get pushed around allot.
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Ive noticed that people dont talk to me; they want me to talk to them and build them up; they are sucking things from me like a vacuum cleaner...
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Adult life; relationships; cars, houses, careers, families, money, toys, vacations and so on.......
The adult world does not exist for me; not yet; Im working on the child world; and its working; Im getting better; its hard in the meetings Im in. I bring up child things to allot of rough people; who dont have a conscious for such things and I do it anyway and Im getting away with it because my higher power sees the need for such things for me to get better; others dont understand my reference to things. They here my story but dont know where Im coming from and I could care less; I continue to get what I need and leave it at that.
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I have three people in me; Actually more; However, for this argument; I have three people; The child; The broken older child or tween or beginning teenager who is in shock from whats happened to me; And leading to the adult.... Three area; child, developmental tween and adult life.
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The child is doing OK; its hard; but the universe is helping this child get fed and experience things of old that I may heal up; and its happening.
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The tween in me; is getting help; Im slowly learning how to let go of what happened to me; the fear is immense and the fear is so deep; will I ever heal from it; I hope my focus will allow myself to move on; its embedded in concrete so I don't know; but I've made my point. The young pre teen teen ager; was ripped to pieces; Im learning how to manage that mangled horror and how it displaced my life; thats where the work is; getting me back on the tracks when i feel safe enough; alignment.
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The adult; " NO ADULT"; I don't see any adult in me; and most of my work is about getting through this bad years when young; getting back on the rails and moving down the track again; thats what Im working toward. strangely, the child in me is facing the idea of getting back on the tracks and seems to be having fun with such things; The adult is blocked because of the tween years and teen years.
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So; the teen years; I have to work through them; I haven't yet. Ive dealt with some bulling and things and Ive dealt with fake friends that were using me.
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I have teen years to work through; thats whats coming up next.
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Also; the complaint about the meetings Im in; no one needs me or sees me; nothing; No one has the need to associate with me or know me or talk to me; I can enter a meeting and leave a meeting; no one sees a camaraderie with me; nothing. I would never be talked with ever again if I didnt ask them for help; but they will help me as long as I play an underdog role with them; where their ego shines and Im played off as the follower or inferior; And this has its place and purpose; while this nonsense is going on; the child in me is slowly picking up attention and experiences mist when young and slowly rebuilding his strength and connect and life; but its covert. I have to keep working with the universe on this.
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The new goal is writing about meeting people; Instead of saying; Ive been with my Asian soulmate; Im now saying; Im meeting my Asian soulmate and writing stories about it.
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The goal is to switch the desire to learning how to meet and talk to people.
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Allot of this is about the child in me; teaching the child how to take chances again and open up again...
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Im asking the universe for new people and places and things; we will see where this happens...

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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