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OMNICELL
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Toxic shame

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm

I can make a list of toxic shame; things I did not stand up for; I was never going to allow anyone in this life to walk over me; and thats all they did all my life and continue to do; still; to this day; And I have toxic shame around it; over it; feel it. Not being able to fight back or stand up for what I believe in. Having to give in to the bad people. I don't want to walk away; I want to fight; but I give up; I don't even try.
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Toxic shame.
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I could make a list; maybe I will; but it causes great amounts of shame; I have shame of losing my house; shame of loosing all my relatives; shame of being bullied in 12 step meetings where I could not reason the difference. I wanted safe place to go to recover; but bullies infused the place and destroyed them by taking them over. And Im going to those places and those bullies are ruining it and Im going along with it through passive aggressive; one cannot win against sociopaths; Im not sure I keep fighting or trying; Im not sure. ITs as if its the only place I have left to call home. I don't know. but I do know.
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I feel so lousy and less then; toxic shame; massive shame; BPD shame; My personalty rocked.
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I have toxic shame where Im forced into situations over n over that I cannot escape from and Im being exploited or used; toxic shame. I don't know how to fight back. I am getting better but I feel trapped all the time as an adult; actually, all through my life I cant fight back from day one.
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So; I have toxic shame. I don't know how to handle certain people and places and things; I don't know.
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Im in the middle of toxic shame.
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Im understanding toxic shame from a CPTSD point of view; I have much work to do concerning toxic shame.
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Im not sure what to do here. Im learning to feel it and hide until I can feel better; but another part of me wants to feel and heal;
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I cant believe this pain; the strange feeling of it; its sickening in a way that I cant describe; its like a humiliating pain; only a 1000 times worse. I was never ever protected and having to defend myself all the time where I cant win; over n over n over; and I don't know what to do...
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So; Im not sure what to do.
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Shame of not having any women in my life; that is because of the shame of not having any money and or life to go with it or job. . Nothing.
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The anger of not being accepted for who I am; I did nothing wrong; I did not do this to myself; someone else did this to me. and yet, I go through it.; over n over n over again and keep running into the same walls of defeat
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Im feeling the toxic shame...
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I have to keep feeling it; and allow the flashbacks to occur. Just walk through them and hang on ; its to easy; I can feel myself wanting to hide and go under through dissociation. It goes back to the beginning of my life; wanting to expect being loved and taken care of in places with the wrong kind of people. thats a good way of looking at this; I want to win; go to war against then and win for what they did to me; revenge.
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In the end; I want to feel the horrible pain of what they did to me; face it and move on. I want safe places to go; i get mad that their not safe; that people have taken over all of them; and their not save; bullies have taken over every place to venture to for help.
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This is the hard part; the toxic shame and feeling good about myself; having a part of me that feels good about who I am; so; I can get on with my life and not have to spend the remaining of my life seeking relief from all the wrong places and people.
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The key is to face the critical voices in my head that are trying to direct me; I felt it just happen while writing; the critical voice took over; hypnotizing; brain washing; took me over and was running me at that moment; I was not free.
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I see people that saw me rent porn in the 80’s over n over; and told someone they thought I was a pervert or something; rapist or something; when in reality; I was dissociated from reality.
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I see my step father destroying me and nothing I can do about it because Im living their; Id have to move; but the only place to move is back with a pedophile; I have no place to run.
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I go to 12 step meetings for relief but they are taken over by bad people; narcissist. But I continue to try to make those places full of thugs my home; but cant seem to see the obvious; and I have no home; or job or career or money or girlfriend or anything because of this toxic shame; but Im not doing anything about it; its been segregated from me; like nothing is wrong; everything is fine; Im completely skizo- from the bombardment against my life and my nervous system; being thrown away onto the streets; and this from having a family or a future. being completely destroyed. And not wanting to look at that fact I still dont really have a home place to be around people without the bullies being their.
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I have thousands of flashbacks; layers n layers of them; I can see being thrown away into a new life with no ropes or hooks into the last one; complete severed; completely.
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I see all kinds of flashbacks from abuse and no place to run; inappropriate sexual abuse against me and I cant run from it; and it happening all the time. and I cant run from it; no where to run or hide. nothing; Horrible; I cant describe being put into horror.
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standing up to idiots in charge of things and not winning. they call my bluff even tho their in the wrong; pure evil. So; now what do I do.
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Im fighting against pure evil; but dont know what to do or what to go.
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Im not standing up for myself yet; not safe enough; so I am people pleaser; the bullies see this and go with it; taking advantage of me.
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I have allot of pain to work through; lots of toxic shame to change; to change that critical voice.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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