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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- September 2019
One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
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   Thu Sep 12, 2019 6:22 am
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   Tue Sep 03, 2019 4:33 am

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Touching feeling!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Oct 29, 2015 6:48 am

Women are based on touching feeling!

I have to see a relationship in my head!

I don't have a correct model of women! Nothing!

Im starting to remember or see something! A touchy feely situation!

Women are touch and hug oriented and emotional! So, thats what you do with them! Touch, hug! You don't really do anything else with them! Meaning, thats what you do with them! Hug! Your emotions go to them and theirs to you! And thats that!

I had nothing; none of this!

And it is so embarrassing! You feel very proud and don't want to tell anyone! You were not good enough to be hugged by anyone! Or loved! It's ######6 sickening!

Im getting a picture of women! Another picture besides Bonny and Clide! I got to come up with a better picture of what women are! What are they for!

They hug! They give emotion! You hug and give them emotion at the same time!

It makes me want to get ill! Im getting sick thinking about it!

I see a man who molested me in this picture instead of a women! And I hate it! I ######6 hate it! And I went dissociative until he is a 2 demential cartoon! He is outside my body! But he is all I see in the place of women! And that should not be! Meanings, this is wrong! No wonder I shut down!

I have a man in the place of women in my development! Im not gay! Im not a #######1! thats not it! its all these closed off memories! all of them of him touching me! over n over n over and getting close to me; as if he was a women! and Im 11 years old or 12 or 13!~

And I have to put up with it! And have him put his hand on my leg when Im sitting at the table, as if he's making a pass at me under the table! What the ###$! And I had to put up with this because I had no place to go; no other place to go! Or hide! I had to!

And now, nothing has changed; Im not allowing anyone near me! But the insides of me haven't changed! I still cant let others get near me! Because of all this! Its horrible!

Im wondering how to over come this, get it out and get over it! But all those locked memories! They are locked! They are starting to come out! They are locked!

I see him trying to kiss me! ######6 sick!

Its hard to go on and keep writing! But I must! I must get it out! Because I want relationships with women again! And something was stolen from me when I was young! My maturation! My ability to move past 12 years old into the beginning of manhood! Something has to change!

This causes dissociation!

He had a reputation for such things at the police department!

He started spanking me when I was real young; he would pull down my pants! I had to take them of and be spanked on my birthday! It was ######6 sick! How could my mother allow all this to happen!
She had no conscious! Nothing!

So, I was being molested from a very early age! Theirs good reason to believe I was ritualistically abuses very young! And I can remember him touching me inappropriately from the beginning of my life!

I remember being 18 and completely destroyed as a human being, and he would try to get me into wrestling moves on the floor! More demoralization when I went back to my Grandmothers house!

I had to go back to her house! I could not function in the real world! Its impossible! I went back in forth between these peoples houses until I was 27 years old!

My mother must have been destroyed completely by these sicko's! She had no conscious! Nothing!

So, Im starting to see the sexual abuse by another man causing allot of my problems now with women! And this sexual abuse went on from the beginning of my life! And ruptured my reality from the beginning! Im not sure what to do about it except keep writhing about it!

I felt like a dump hamper for clothing; I was to be used whenever someone wanted to use me! How ######6 sicking is this $#%^ going to get! But I can feel the direct correlation of guilt and shame\!

And Im feeling guilt for marking off my Grandfather for molesting me! As if I need to protect my perpetrator! I believe this is probably what happened with my mother at a much more alarming rate with massive deviating results!

My mother must have been wiped out by the time she was 6!

I know these monsters! They don't feel anything! And they are selfish! Its all about their needs! You don't exist! You're an object!

And Im seeing now that I was my grandfathers object and my father got in the way of this! He wrecked it for him; his control!

I see my mother taking my Grandfathers side! And Im seeing my mother from a different lite! Possible a more frail lite! She's caught between no personality type! Twisted between a family system of no love and evil! She was messed up!

It would be nice to see my mother as messed up and me not care anymore! Im heading in that direction!

So, Im seeing male sexual abuse as the main culprit for my low self esteem with women; touching, feeling good enough or safe! Not functional! Not knowing what functional means! Scared to death! Scarred to death to be reminded of what it is like to be touched against my will!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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