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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
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Torture

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jun 01, 2016 5:54 pm

Its torture to ask a person to get rid of their memories of their mother and father! A mother and father are the most decent of aspects of a child's life! Why would I purposely get rid of my memories of such things! Only through forced would I do such a thing! And force leads me on! Force to come back into society! And life!

Their was a movie; Mad Max; came out when I was boy; It's a story of life after the world drops its bombs! No civilization anymore! The people have to survive and move forward! They have only memories! And how they hold on to those memories! Some turn the little pictures into Gods and will kill to keep them! For it is all they have left!

Im a decent respectable person; I always have been! Decent people respect their parents! Not because of who their parents are but because they are right with God! Meaning, they love God and look up to God and in their heart want to right!

In this life; some of us; the only thing we have is God! Some of us have no parents we are going to respect! We have to turn to God and work with God for the parents that are given up are killing us! They are monsters; non human! So; if someone told me to get rid of their memories! It is just as hard for me as any decent boy!

I come from a background where my parents are stolen away from me when young! They are stolen away by this world and Satan and their personality disorders! Evil; or what ever you want to call it!

The point is; I have only a few memories of them when young! And technically, they did not love me; it's a child's innocent memories of them! My view of them! Its just as hard to get rid of these as it is for anyone; no one I know of is asked to be stripped of their families or their memories! This is in human and sickening!

I am and must be stripped of my original families memories and parents! I must because they are purely evil! And no memory shall be remembered of any of them! Where does this leave me! I have no one and no history! Who will I relate with! None of the people around me understand me! Good or bad, they did not have to complete erase their history! I did! Much like Mad Max when the apocalypse occurred in the movie! He wakes up as a later generation!

There is evil in the world! And one must be purged of it! But where does that leave me; desolate and with only memories!

I had a complete life developing when I was young! And then it was destroyed out of me! Completely! I was erased from this life and its surroundings! It was all fake; all of it! All of it faked by what you call parents! They were evil sinister types! No conscious! They lied! They created a front that did not exist; and they put humans through a nightmare as test-tube fodder!

Any time you're dealing with psychopaths; this is what happens! You are killed! Its that simple! Its to bad; but what can you do about it!

The goal I have; I was destroyed, then plagued with mental illness conditions; come through that within the recovery process; then, back up the latter,, back into civilization again to live my life! To be restored or restoration! And I am in that restoration period at the moment! Im in the " real" part of it! The area where I accept that everything is gone, and I turn to you and God for help, and start moving into the present once again to live my life! Ive been stolen of everything from that past life from every direction! I take no one with me and no one from that time! I was hated and destroyed in that life! I don't know why! Pure evil!

I can tell you this! They will die! When they are in front of God; they are finished! They are pure evil and shall stand before God to what they did to his children! They shall surely be put into the lake of fire and remain their for the rest of their existence!

At some point you have to choose! You slowly work on all the losses of your childhood, and attempt to move forward where God puts you that you are safe! Im in this process at the moment! Im slowly attempting to bring the child back from the grave into the present and start over! The child first, must learn to accept the surroundings! And move through it and beyond it! And that is what Im doing now! No one likes to be alone!

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Why would the child join me in the present if I have nothing to offer him in the present! Why would the child in me let go of the past; an unfinished past, if their was no future for him in the present! Why would he come join me in the present if there is nothing more for him then a static present! Why would he come into the present if the past is controlling me as well! The whole point of him joining me is; Im free of the past and Im rolling into the a new created future! How would he know this! The only way the child in me knows Im rolling into the future is; He can see that Im working on legitimate manifestations of the future and Im experiencing it! Im experiencing the realities of creating a new future! The child in me can see this and feel this with his own eyes! He can sense it! He might be destroyed and controlled by the visions of the past that surround him! But something in him senses a way out! He can see something greater then the visions that surround him! He can feel the earth move beneath his feet! He can hear the earth quake all around him, and in the sky; I can see the air split into! He can see the logs and trees split into in front of him; he knows a shift is happening or coming or is being peerlessly worked on! Someone in the helm of the ship is creating a new world to swim in! That ship; it's looking for it! Searching for it! Its left the dock! It's looking for something! Its active! It's moving! ITs got purpose and a quest!

When the child in me sees me working hard to please him and get him the hell oudda here and into a new life! He listens!

The child in me does not want to relive all the memories!~ but its all he's got! He has nothing else! The other side of these memories is isolation and pure desolation! There never ever was a future with these people! I was a throw away from the start! Their never ever was a reason to know anyone in these neighborhoods! They were never my neighborhood! I had no neighborhood! Nor, would I ever be allowed to be apart of anything! I was the equivalent of being kidnapped and forced to live a life I did not want to live!

I was destroyed long before I could develop into work or relationships! Not surprisingly,. I don't work, and could never get close enough to anyone to have a relationship! Im slowly trying to change this!

Women; Women are a hard thing! You have to be present for them; and this is my weakness! Its horribly hard to have an attractive women sitting in front of me flirting with me! I feel it will end up a disaster, so why try! However! Now I see things differently!

The Laws of attraction suggest there are 2 possible equal outcomes; one negative and one positive!

Sol; this idea of positive vs negative is what Im looking at! How do I go positive! My whole outlook on life was; you get negative when you create negative results for me!

I wont get into relationships because of negative results! Because of positive results! If I get positive results with you;' you might take me into a realm to fare into the forest and leave me or set me up to be destroyed!

So, Im paranoid! Paranoid of being destroyed! I have a tendency of pulling back first!

I have allot of PTSD when it comes to this kind of thing! And I get triggered as if Im in the past and Im being destroyed! And Im afraid; anyone that gets to close to me triggers interactive give n take between us! All of this triggering; triggers the past in all its horror and glory!

All the the triggering is this neighborhood and its end result upon my mind and soul and life! I was destroyed out of it!

Im attempting to come back to it and self and life!

This might be the first time I admitted that I wanted to come back to it! I guess I do; and finish out what I was supposed to finish out!

I have allot of memories to block and work on!

I need growth and learning! Im like a 12 or 11 year old; stuck!

The present is filled with Goals! One goal might be the understanding of positive outcomes and the reassurance of such things and or the ability to stay positive regardless of what happens!

The gaol is to work through this processing enough, to the point that the child becomes unstuck! starts to move and moves into a new set of experiences and keeps growing!

There is a sense that if I move forward, I leave behind the possibility that my parents will come back and the whole thing can be started over and done right this time! the child in me is insecure and afraid!

One big big major problem has been my next move! The child in me; to make the next move; is to find my parents! work with them to continue development! but their are no more parents! so the child in me goes into shock!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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