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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/today_b-13052_sid-dc2dd3f23a719f7761d53fbf94b97fd1.html |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Thu Sep 12, 2019 6:22 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | Today |
I felt like an adult today; this is the first time Ive ever felt that way since childhood; And I was not an adult in childhood. . The child in me is creating an adult in me . I felt it; I was in my apartment and felt the adulthood. Adults can take care of their lives; they are not bound by childhood trauma. The child in me is doing well.... and is creating the adult to take care of him. . I still have dissociative disorder; so; outside things changed. I was confident indoors; outside things changed. Im not together yet; not strong outside yet. Im not strong as an adult; its a concept and idea that is now flourishing in my mind inside; indoors; and has just broken out of the egg and is now crawling out onto the surface.... and is looking around at this curious world. . What does it feel like to be an adult; I look back at my 7th grade year; a horrible horrible tragic scene. And I see myself as an adult walking through that school; and I see myself kicking Ass against those bullies because Im an adult; I see myself strong. . However, Im not a whole adult. With dissociative disorder; part of me is carved in; but better. but it shows up outside in the real world. Im not strong in the outside world yet. And becoming present in the outside world is a challenge; it will require more experience becoming healed in many facets. . Im OK in my apartment feelings like an adult; its a start; but it must be protected and taken care of; nurtured. . The adult in me must grow up like a tree or a plant that is loved and taken care of. . In the outside world; My dissociative condition caves in; I get paranoid; don't have the strength to stand up for myself; and Im wacked and stressed and freaked out. . But most importantly, I felt like an adult today; this means I can handle what happened to me when young and handle the outside world of my dreams at the same time. Im not used to being outside and being in control of my life; This will take a while to get used to; and its about 50/50%. Im about half strength and Im caving when intimidating people are going by.... Im not strong enough to handle them. Im still shaken by it; and the general outside world still scares me. . Waking up and accepting reality where Im at; it's a whole new environment; not the one I wanted when young; but not one I would discard now; it's simply new. . Lately; Ive been wanting to grab a football and play catch; A good sign; the best sign. its been awhile; I miss that. Another example that my childhood is coming back online. And this is not easy; hardest thing of its nature Ive ever done; to float around in the past; a past that destroyed me; and in the face of the past; float around in its neighborhoods and get better literally and figuratively... . So; a solid foundation is getting strengthened and developed. I must continue to allow the universe to slowly building me back into the person I always wanted to be and I think its happening; it is happening... . Its still hard to bike by my old childhood home; I want so much to go inside and live again. instead; the universe is allowing me to feel it as I go by; and with enough time; I don't have to go inside.. I must write about being a child in that house and rewrite the story of living their and walking out of their to better things and life. Im getting closer.. . . Ive been having a problem with finishing what I start; and this is why being an adult is so important. In the past many people owned everything about me; and many areas of my life were ruined; art and music were areas ruined because I made the mistake to trust the old family system or death system; same thing; trust them; talk to them about my music and art; I was trampled under their feet. turned on and tore to pieces. And I feel this horrible connection to these people; like I answer to them when it comes to music and art. . Money was ruined for me when young; I was given money by these families; these monsters; but their was no rhyme or reason behind it; I was mentally ill and wanted my original family; I did not want live with these foster people; I wanted my mother and father back; no one cared; I was in a state of psychosis.... No one cared. I was enabled by these people. I never had to learn how to earn money; or I missed it; that part of life. learning how to go out and get a job and make my own money; buy my own car... . Im now learning about wanting to learn how to earn money; its embarrassing; Ive been mentally ill for a long long time and never learned this; was never money hungry to go out into the world and learn how to make money and make it a #1 focus like I should have. Now; I would like to learn it. Im going through he process of coming back to reality; a reality that does not look like my future; so; Ill have to work on my thinking; creating a new future for myself and working toward it; and their it is; and getting used to the fact that the old abusers are nowhere in site; very strange change; something to get used to; I hardly trust the idea. . I am doing better tho... . . As for the future; I am from the past; I was born in the early 60's and must re step my life from that point; and go into a different path or the original path I was intended to go down; it is possible; but its a bit strange. But it's possible; I don't need anyone from the past; Im watching the original Star trek shows; and my life is much like one of these sc fi shows. . How can I create a similar world for myself as it was 55 years ago; It can be possible; Its already happening; but this is not living in the past; this is replication for the future; for I am living now;But I desire what I had in the past so Ill bring it up to the present and re live it and start from their.. and that is the drop off point; and I go positive; I must learn how.. . for I am of that time; not this time and I am fine with that. but I must start out from around 1966 and onward onto the right path of alignment. And this is very important to explore; to explore paths and where they would go until I find mine and know its mine and own it. . And the universe is bringing all of this back. the problem is; the Monkeys and The Beatles were the last things I was listing to and interested in; for it was the bands of my time. So; where do I go from here. Im already getting better and more intellectual; alignment is what Im thinking of; but I have no idea where I am suppose to be in this present time period. But Im starting to understand the development I was to go through when young and where it would have landed me. And it is in these areas I must back track to find out who I am. The bulling is horrible from the past and in the present at times; I have to work through those times of horror offense. In that time period; if everything went right; I would have been a strait A student; I would have gone skied all the time and many other things if I had been in my neighborhood; Im back in my neighborhood; Ive gotten back drumming and plastic model creating; Im watching old TV shows from the 60's. Im wondering what's next. At some point I'll be at the drop of level; the drop off place; a place of something new; something I was stopped from experiencing when young; we will see where this takes me. . Their were no good experiences after my father left; nothing in this life until now... We will see what happens. . The key is; Im an intellectual and have to stay at that level regardless of my background or the foreground at this moment; of this time period. . CPTSD kills me; the rage; the deep deep set rage.... . Plenty of work to do. Im missing something from my life; bullies or bulling is in the way; it's destroying my ability to believe. . I'm learning to tap and breath to deal with the pTsD> . So; I have to work with God to recreate right after I got hurt when young; the drop off point. at the end of self when I was a child; as I watched the family I came from degenerate and my life disintegrate. I have to watch the next segment and recreate the next segment; what would I have been doing if I had stayed in that house and gotten the help I needed in school from bulling and I still had a family and lived in the same area. and nothing had changed. Thats the hard path I must learn about. And I can feel it; its got a hard edge to it; very hard; I must go from a time period of loving my life to a new love for myself and keep it flowing no matter what; stay with it. It's a bit hard and strange for no advantages after this. Nothing; I was alone.... So; I must change this and go back to my plan of what I wanted and keep going... . The hostile anger I feel toward bullies has to go or be worked out or I have something more important than that; something. anything. thats what I have to work on. Stand up for myself; However, in the present I am covert in the area I live; I am passive until I am better; I am not here to rock boats; only to get better; nothing more then leave. . The drop off point is the most important; for I start over at that point; and who am I; first; I do not want to be torn up; I want to be the person I was before I got destroyed, and Im recreating that person right now; Not easy; for I am a broken vessel; And my nerve endings. those places to reconnect in the world; they are beaten and brittle and exposed for I was beat down to the point that my mind has no protection where the connections start; those connections shooting out into the world; they've been warped be-headed and damaged; mangled. So; now; I must learn where the universe wants me; what would be bes place. . The key is in my head; seeing it in my head; seeing the positive places in my head and some places and things are showing up of a positive nature. I see the old useless things; my mind is trained for them; but new defenses are showing up; and that is great. |
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