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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1020)
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- October 2019
Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
   Sat Oct 12, 2019 11:17 pm
A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear
   Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:44 pm
She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone
   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

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to the edges

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jul 21, 2013 1:33 am

Im doing better, my mind is clearer and more hopeful of being myself. Its very hard trusting anything on the outside world, however, Ive been working at it for a long long time.

The inside is starting to match the outside a bit! I have to watch my recovery! Im around allot of people that are using positions of authority; pushing it into my face! They are puppet people, However, it makes things hard. I do not have boundaries established that can with-stand all the people pushing on me!, or persuading uniformity.

I feel sorry for the people that come after me! most will not be able to last as long as I have! It has taken 2o good years of recovery to be! this is and has been intense brutal work. I have logged conservatively 14,000 12 step meetings from starting until present; thats allot of interaction.. Ive written 1500 pages of step work.. Now, my condition is healing! healing enough to be present to fight off boundary busters. If you were to see me, I look like a pin ball in and old fashioned arcade pinball machine. The idea is to hit the ball, it bounces against lighted rubber bumpers that create points score. Im that ball! thats me! Im bouncing around tying to avoid ego maniacs and boundary busting people.

I have no real friends. No one sees any value in me! I have nothing to offer anyone. Im not good enough as I am!

I will trust God.

I have been written off by most people in the meetings. I think Im looked at as an oddity. The women are not interested anymore, they have written me of as " to much work"! No status"!
They are looking for someone they can play games with! Someone to control that will not rock there boats. I will not play games! Im not in recovery to play games! Im written off if I do not conform.
---

I have along way to go! Im looking to clean up my apartment and keep it clean. I would like to buy bike parts and build a bicycle. The PTSD problems stopped my bike mechanics interactions.

I would like to leave this church and head off in a new direction created by God! I am not respected where Im at!

I have to wait upon God! keep the hope up! ITs possible.

It gets frustrating when I want to play drums and create and I have no place to do so! I do not understand God! God is the only one that can help me! Others do not care about such things.. I will have to listen to God.

I pray every morning for elanna, the girl I saw abandon by her father. I will pray for her and her sister for ever!

I have to keep making the prayer list! What to pray for, and keep going.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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