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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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To love with no Hate...

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Mar 07, 2021 10:35 pm

So; when it comes to relationships and music creation and art creation; no Hate; Gods orders. How am I going to pull this off.
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Lets take a guitar for example; Lets say I want to play guitar; But I have to like it or and love it; why dont I; negative thoughts associated with it; How do I get rid of the negative thoughts; because that is hate; and its coming out from in me; its not the guitar.. But if you were to ask me; I would tell you the guitar is a human being and its my enemy; So; how do I come back to reality and come up to speed into reality and love playing and creating with the guitar and performing. And their it is; thats what Im working on. Or looking forward to working on...
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So; Love/hate; NO! From God; "No Love/hate" Only Love!!!...
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So; I have to trust God on all of this stuff. I mean; How do I see the guitar as a cool instrument of fun and performance as fun; not negative; Ill work with God on this; I want to feel excited and anxieties and hatful to the point of hiding in my room; what give? What do I do to get rid of this negative attitude toward guitar. and their it is; its at the core with everything else. Entitlement is a huge problem.
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I have allot of negatives toward being a musician. I think it has something to do with my mother; but I dont know yet how to break out of this negativity; I mean; others would love to have musical talent; why dont I care about it; I did when I was young; but not now. Im spoiled and entitled concerning it I guess. One area of importance; what am I going to do with this talent; Thats what I need Gods help with; I just want a safe and to feel safe experience with music and creating... knowing Im safe and would be safe where ever I perform.. Ill work with God on this... Would love to her a good attitude about all of this; same for creating Art... .
The feelings associated with guitar playing; Im taken to the park area next to my Grandparents home; they were the worst monsters of all; they created my mother. Unfortunately I had to live with them; creating horrible levels of anger hostility fear and pain and torture and long term PTSD; This is where I was molested and chased after like I was a girl. I was brutally hated... real hatred... I was not prepared for this; but I had some preparedness because of what I had just gone through...

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I see the park with the bullies; and I associated all of that pain and torture and horror and sadness and aloneness with the guitar; Fear is what I associate with Guitar; Playing around fear in that park. iT takes over as a flashback; have to stay present some how...
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I would really like to have a good attitude about guitar not a negative sarcastic demeaning one; like guitar is a silly thing to get good at its worthless for fools who cant do anything else; and their is my hate and contempt... And how to get over it; all those deeper thoughts and I see my Grandparents and their house the small park.. I see all the abuse associated with it. with the guitar and I just want to get over it so I can go in that direction.
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This is much later in the day;
I just hit a massive paradigm shift.. I just straitened out; meaning; my inner being and the universe just put the whammy on me and straitened me out through a few points bringing me closer to center and waking me up... Enough to stun me; happened within a split second; hundredth of a second; Wham!!!!!!!
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First love and continuing the process of internal visualization of being with her; it is moving forward; the dialog is moving forward; Im starting to tell her who I really am; an Imposter; this is all in my imagination; and I can say it but cant handle the fake feelings of it; Im so off kilter; I've been lying about my life for so long and believing the lies; I dont know whats real and what isn't..
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As for my first love; One of the main points if not the main practical point of all this is; I never told her how I felt or asked her out; if I had done that in the first week; kissed her and turned her into my girlfriend; You would have never met me on this site... relationships would not be a problem for me the way they are right now; maybe I would have had a whole lot of other problems.
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Ive notice around others; that weakness socially... not wanting or having any reason to be social. The problem is; I have nothing in common with the people Id be social with; I have nothing; Im working on simple problems of being timid; no one cares.. Nothing. Im left alone like the plaque...
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So; I have to keep working with God on all this stuff.. Not give up. I have to get better and be myself and get over my past pain if Im going to meet someone new...
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I have a feeling that anyone from those recovery rooms that liked me; I think their out; regardless; God never and would never allow it.
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I have a rule; When I see a women go out with a scum bag with no conscious and bring that filth around her kids; that is dangerous for them. why? What kind of individual is this that would do this...
If she is singe; Im not going out with her; no way. I would never lower myself unless God told me to; but why would God tell me to even get involved in that. I mean; A. child of God would never be led to that... I have to remember this....
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Who ever I am suppose to end up with; God will put in front of me.
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And most important; I am to finish this thing; relationship within my imagination with my my past first love; I dont care if it takes 2 years; and neither does God; it has to her finished so Im healed up,... or healing... And Ive learned to get honest about who I really am or about who Im not and come clean about it and tell the other person; if their still interested in me the door is open and its up to them; but right know I cant even tell the truth; I mean; Im now talking or communicating to the figure in my imagination; Im telling her Im an imposter and I have nothing and I lied about who I was. Who am I really; how did I really feel about myself at that time; Im going to have to really get in and feel it and think about it and share it with her... and learn to get the deeper secrets out.
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So; getting rid of resentment that is number 1
Finishing the re creation of a relationship with my first love is number 1.
The work has to be done.
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I still cant face reality. What happened to me is what happens to those in poverty in the projects; in the slums. thats how I was broken; I was broken into it and just died their and hid; now Im trying to get out; get strong enough to stand on my own 2 feet and move forward again; Im just learning how to accept things and get up on my feet and move outward. I still have horrible deep scaring resentments against my mother the psychopath for my life being pulled to pieces and exploded and destroyed; being pulled out of my house and way of life and off my street. but at some point I accept what happened and get help I need and get back up on my feet and get out of this poverty; thats what Im trying to wake up from; the knockout punch that crippled me onto the canvas..
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So; Its starting to come out; mother and father issues; Im a 6 year old that wants to confront my mother and father and ask them why their not helping me; and I know that no matter what I say to them; sooner or later I will be abandon; and I know that during the time period. I know whats going on; they secretly never had a connection with me; I had one with God and sooner or later the worst possible horror; Ill be given away...

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Another paradigm shift ; next day; these are small complete; seep; complete; next level.
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Its allot of pain. But Im getting their slowly;
Im forcing or trying to merge with the Childs memories in me. The child in me is still in Alter stage; not integrated.. So; as Im allowed to be opened to his memory system; I try to visualize Im their in his memories and stark ripping sharp screaming pain because Im forcing integration before its time; brutal. However, if I keep it up; it seems paradigm shifts are occurring... small sharp shifts; significant shifts... Deep shifts but short. Meaning; out of a year; its like "One Day"; That is an example; not a real situation; an abstract. Its means a short duration time period. It would have taken several years of work in the past to get where one paradigm shift takes me... So; its a big deal; its jolting and shocking to go through.
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Ive noticed in my thinking; Im 2 places at once; Im deeper and more real and present and down to earth on some levels but then im also age 12 or 13 living at my Grandmothers...
The reason we were gotten rid of when young; we were in the age groups of development where parents dont have fun with us anymore; they must be our teachers and help us grow into adults. Suddenly we are given away; and their it is...never saw it coming. Total shock; and thats what Im dealing with... Horrible. ..... Horrible to go from a child on a street and a house to a complete throw away instantly... not a word from the monsters that did it...
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So; its a waiting period while doing this work. This work reconnects me; but in what ways I dont know; its all God. I mean; I understand whats happening; Im getting stronger in my thought choices; its teaching me to decided what kind of thoughts I want and to learn to control them regardless of who used to intimidate me... even tho they seem in control still; within my mind...
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The goal is to become present; more present; The more I deal with the past; The better I am in the present. So; what work do I do; well? Im doing the work; and I am showing up in the present little bit by little bit; but its Tiny tiny pieces; slivers at a time; but they are powerful slivers; its a memory game and who owns my mind; am I thinking me or my thoughts thinking me? Who's in charge here... Thats all this is about... Im choosing to make inroads within my mind and its hard work; but Ive been able to establish a footing on the outside of my brain and now going inward; the first things that hits me are giant flashbacks of all kinds...

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I was thinking about a women that liked me and I hated her for it... I tried to make her less then me; not possible; didnt know her long enough; impossible; she simply liked me and I felt horrid like she was the enemy; was she the enemy. maybe. later she goes out with this other guy in front of me... Cant tell.
Ill have to let it go and trust God. Part of this is thinking or feeling im superior to others with a better background... Im superior; is that OKE>. I doubt it...
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She cant be trusted; I dont know. And whats bothering me is; I dont know what to do... Ill keep taking it to God and keep working on myself; and if she shows up; Maybe I'll be ready to talk to her about it... But Ive never gotten anywhere with these people from these meetings... To scary; to much like monsters with no conscious and they dont question anything is wrong...
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Ill keep working at this.. But Im still acting like royalty concerning that girl; she really did like me tho; but it seems to meaning nothing but fear to me because of her behavior and background... Can she be trusted...? Hell no! Is that true; Hell no!
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I just think Im superior to her... lests look at this for a minute; " I Think". it looks to me like this is the only safe position I will take; To Think.. getting near her is dangerous. No conscious... Ive already seen how shes treated me and I dont know? Ive seen her go out with a sociopath and Well; she stopped going out with him...
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God will help me get well; and bring the right people in front of me and no one else.
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As for my childhood; a gap resides between me and the child in me; Im slowly working toward integration and its already happening; its extremely painful... I cant describe it; its like trying to break into a fast rolling water system under the city in a giant massive pipe; like a river going down a pipe... and Im wanting to try to enter it while its going 100 miles an hour down the pipe.. I mean; its horribly painful joining that energy because its not invited me. Im crowding myself into it., Im trying to integrate with it because more n more I see the memories and some of them are mine now; but only about 5% of them; and I see them and want to join; but when I do; I dont understand; im still separated. I join while its the childs energy and not mine. The child is still a picture screen; im watching the child through a picture screen; Im not in the child or the child in me but some of the childs memories are in me at the top. So a kind of forced awake integration is flaring up; I dont know; im watching it; I suppose this is God; its like re birthing someone when their not ready; its unbelievably painful.. Im trying to join another being with energy flying by.... its incredibly painful. Its all painful. But its possible; its happening... I just have to keep at this..
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O God; I keep getting hit with new memories of different time periods and they are entering me.... I feel like Im being flipped up side down inside.
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Sexual abuse; so; someone still owns me. Ill have work with God on this one; I dont know what to do about this false Grandfather monster person; fake; monsters who destroyed me; He destroyed my mother.... Im feeling it tho; all kinds of integration going on inside me; unbelievable pain... O GOD>..
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Going through this? A person could legally take sick leave from work because of it; thats how intense this is... incredible experience...
Ive got all kinds of giant TV like screens that are replaying time periods of myself; my different selves and memories from those TV screens are shooting out and entering me from all over the place... from many different TV screens randomly... The pain.
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IVe not been able to talk to women. I know why. God sent them to help me.. but I refused them. Now I see what they were sent for... And when I refused them; they moved on. God would send me another... I never saw them as independent human beings; I saw them as servants sent by God to help me. If they didnt want to go by my rules; Id not talk to them anymore if at all.
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The gaol is to get well enough; deal with enough past that I dont have to be preoccupied by the past so much and theirs free room fro me to simply look outside my eyes into what is in front of me and go after what I want... Give n take... ability. Before this; I could not respond at all; I as a strait jacket... I couldn't move.
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So; I just keep at it until more integration begins; I guess; I'm just speculating on what is going on here... Im just at the beginning of it... really; seriously at the beginning of something...
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The beginning of moving back into my childhood.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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