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To be loved by a mother and father

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jul 26, 2019 12:33 pm

If I were to say the culmination of all my problems; it was not being loved by anyone; I was not loved at all by my mother and father; and I was not kept safe when young; no safety. Once I knew what these creatures were; psychopath/sociopath; it was over for me; For I knew these creatures wee beyond abusers; I knew instantly I would never receive help ever again; and had never been receiving help; I had been exploited and used and fooled. I was being lied to by predators. This means; what ever interactions I had with them when young; I was dealing with alligators and nothing more; and I was fooled; this had a huge effect on my nervous system; it scared me in a way my nervous system could not forget.
It was important for me to believe that at least 1 parent was on my side; and I did; I believed my father was on my side and keeping my mother in her place as he should. Keeping her inline so she would serve the family system as she should under Gods rule. And all things were in unison. For I was a child; and they both needed to be inline with God that I survive; for they were their to serve me and take care of me so I could live.
I cannot describe what its like to not be taken care of as a child; what it does to the nervous system. To know that people or monsters your with don't care about you; its laughable to them; my survival; to realize this. To be young and realize you don't have a chance and never did. Cant describe the damage; one does not want to live anymore. It ruptured me; just the overload of it; the fear of everything in every direction and not being able to save myself for I could not understand the world around me. When a child is not loved; they are forced to deal with the outside world on their now; this is completely impossible; A child cant see the giant inner workings of a vast adult world; because of this; the child goes into shock; especially when their thrown out into the world from the beginning of their life.
I remember how my nervous system faced and dealt with this strange feeling of not being love but not knowing what it was; I remember going into a dream world and focusing on the future; when I got older and what I would be doing. And I remember the natural rebounding effect of going out into the neighborhood and making friends with allot of people so I could go visit their house holds. And I remember wanting desperately to get into things; school, hobbies, develop talents; anything that would take me or put me at a higher level then the filth I was living with...
I cant imagine any child surviving regardless of the possible breaks a child might happen to run into. I had fluke moments; they may have lasted a few years; but it was all a lie; meaning; the fluke I experienced that gave me positive results; it was the calm before the storm.
I trusted in these psychopaths and sociopaths; and had no idea what they were or what I was doing; and looking back; it gives me the creeps that they had that much control over my body and mind and regardless I had no where to run; I makes you want to kill yourself and go to heaven.
If someone took advantage of me in the real world at the time; I had no where to run and no one to talk to; regardless. Things did happen. I started having problems in school in first grade; but it showed up in second grade. And I told my father about it. He called the teacher. But looking back; it was a joke. all of it; no one cared if I had a problem with a teacher in second grade or any grade; no did anyone care if I got good grades or bad. and looking back; no one cared if I stayed the night at someones house. I don't remember anyone calling the family I was staying with and checking if I had eaten or where I was. I assumed it was all great; everyone was just allowing me to grow. In reality; I had to take care of my social needs; I didn't realize 5 year olds were usually not responsible for their survival.
So; point is; my nervous system was ruptured from this; just the idea of this.
I had a contempt for the general masses; I still do because I was not part of it. I was not part of their culture and not brought up like them nor had the advantages like them.... I had no advantages like them; it was like I was brought up completely different.
I looked like them; talked like them; dressed like them but was not one of them.... But later I would be a slave of their system and not escape... I had no where to escape; death is the only place I could escape or dissociation. If I talk to trauma people; they understand these last statements; the statement of a victim; but If I talk to middle class people; they make a mockery of such things.
My schooling was destroyed.
Not being loved by anyone; finding out the people that were suppose to live me were monsters and could not love me or take care of me because of this fact; left me vulnerable to all things; I knew the house I lived in was a lie; I knew the neighborhood I lived in was a lie; I was never brought their for my benefit. The whole experience was a let down, a tragedy and a lie. It was false.
I was made of fool of; I had gathered around all these people in this neighborhood thinking I was one of them; just like the other kids and their families; I thought I was special and had a chance; just to learn I had been fooled and lied to; I had no chance; I was let down. And this is what psychopaths do to children; they purposely lead them on to let them down; its life and death for the children in this situation; the psychopaths think its an exciting game. The child has many problems in this situation; their personalities are being destroyed; carved out where a bowl will be left in the place of a brain; mind genocide. Ive called it inland genocide, cultural genocide or family genocide. The term " Mind Genocide" came from somewhere else.
The psychopath wants to kill; wants to break you; break you down and make you commit suicide; when they here you have tried to kill yourself; they think its funny; they giggle and clap their hands in charming glee; its fun fun fun for them. They are excited; thats because the psychopath is sadistic in nature.
Knowing I was around this filth; being controlled by them from the day I was born does something to me; it gives me a feeling I cannot protect myself in this society. And in reality; I was never protected when young. my father protected me for a while; as long as he was having his fun around me; It actually stopped by the time I was over 5 years old; if in reality; it ever really happened; being protected; I doubt it happened; but simply because of the nature of him being a father figure and a man; I had some protection; certainly had protection against my mother. But my father protected me from my mother; s because he was present. She could not attack because she would be attacked; physically attacked and she knew it; for this reason; she cooled out; but not always; if My father was gone and I was in the hands of my mother alone; every time; she would try something; And Im sure this caused a lot of problems for me; looking back; I was dealing with this stress of injustice. Its not fair; I never had a chance and never knew it and was being destroyed from the day I was born. The psychopath eats you alive from the beginning.
When my father strategically left this family system; or horror system; or demon system; I mean; its not fair calling it a family system; seriously; that is not right to call it that; must be another name for it; Middle class terminology does not fit trauma based children; Anyway; I was no longer protected because of his position and I would be destroyed very soon afterward.
Looking back; I say to myself; what do I need; and what did I need and what do I need now; I need to know my mother and father loved me and I was being thought about and protected; I was being thought about at a higher level then those around me because I was a kid and I was being protected; so I come first. But that never happened.
I need to know I was loved by my mother and father and protected; or I know I would be protected if I was loved. the hardcore ness of knowing I was not loved at the core; I was completely alone; this odes something to me; gives me this hollow shell lifeless like feeling. And I do not trust anyone or anything in middle class areas. I want to run and hide from them; I see middle class neighborhoods like its a Syrian war. I don't trust them; non of them. Looking back; I had nothing and they allowed me to be destroyed; the whole of these neighborhoods and schools and people. I was abused by all of them in some regard; in many regards. And Ill never trust them again; but where do I go.
The damage that was done to me; the power it had over me from those past time periods is being deflated. But I feel the real fear of it at the core; of being sinister based lied to; covertly lied to that monsters could get into the core of me and hate me and see my demise. I see the who neighborhood that way; covert and trying to destroy me; and in many respect they tried to; the whole of the thing; non of society was safe; still in not.
Your completely alone when the people I report these atrocities are from the same neighborhood or the same kind of people that caused the atrocity.
When you think the only place left for you to live is the same place that was destroying you; you choose suicide or to go homeless. Its useless talking to people that are part of that culture; for they are brought up to see me die or as the enemy because I know they are my enemy; but theirs no place left for me. where do I go; where do I fit in; to what society.
I had no money and no way to fit into to this white middle class society; was carved out of it from the day I was born; what society do I go into; where. Looking back; if I become rich; that would be the only answer and that would never happened; I was ruined by the time I was in 5th grade. I had no place and no chance; I was being killed by the people in this society; where do I go. What do I do.
Im disabled still; I don't even have a car unless the universe brings me the car and the money to maintain it. Im working on that. the idea is; I have to believe I already have the car; Im worthy of the car and the money for maintaining the car and it will show up; if Im grateful for all I have. And Im getting their; learning to be grateful for all I have. its not easy coming from my background.
I needed to be loved by a mother and father; I need to feel it and believe it and Im working on it; and I think this causes much of the dissociation at the core...
Im working on it as a goal; to learn to believe I was loved by my mother and father within the core of my soul; that is where the work is..
I could say so much more; and will in more blogs.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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