Our partner

User avatar
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1138)
- January 2021
I could not compete because of my avoidant behavior
   Tue Jan 19, 2021 4:48 am
keep working at it
   Mon Jan 18, 2021 4:17 am
Wake up! Trying to become present
   Sun Jan 17, 2021 7:48 am
Planning life as an AVPD
   Sat Jan 16, 2021 7:24 am
Another break through
   Fri Jan 15, 2021 4:51 am
bulling and apologizing
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 9:17 pm
My work; to get up close in my imagination
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 7:17 am
Get right with God; God is saying
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 1:02 am
The message about the sociopath
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 2:24 pm
Moving forward
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 4:53 am
Beginning to move forward
   Fri Jan 08, 2021 5:11 pm
Im alone again; things are changing.
   Thu Jan 07, 2021 10:17 am

+ December 2020
+ November 2020
+ October 2020
+ September 2020
+ August 2020
+ July 2020
+ June 2020
+ May 2020
+ April 2020
+ March 2020
+ February 2020
+ January 2020
+ December 2019
+ November 2019
+ October 2019
+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

Three important conversations with women

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:39 am

Three important conversations with women
The fist is with a sponsor Ive worked with for 30 years; She is old enough to be my mother; for the very first time; a few weeks ago; I had a real strait forward powerful equal conversation with this person; it was powerful and in the moment; in this moment now. It was earned from all the work Ive done in recovery; it mean; I was not in the past; I had earned the right to be in the present from all the hard work Ive done. I talked to her as a friend and a mentor of my own right; equal. Long conversation; 2 hours; I helped her out this time because I had more recovery in areas then she did. It was an equal conversation; it was not a boy to mom conversation; or broken person to therapist kind of conversation; or lost soul to mentor conversation; it was 2 equal people in equal positions exploring each other... It was here now; no past. It was as perfect moment of unison as one could get...
#2; the hot girl; really hot; sexy hot at the meetings; When I was dissociative; I did not remember her like this; this was different; she was really really high up good looking on the looks scale; sexy; shocked me a bit; the kind of girl who could have anyone they want; and she wanted me; at least for time being; but even a month or several months ago; it was still to soon. I pulled back out of fear; She was looking my way; lets say it that way! I had a dissociative fear; PTSD CPTSD fear; My nervous system went into red alert and I backed off. Did not trust anything; the problem with this; I couldn't even sleep with her; and I cant when my nervous system is in this condition; no toleration of any kind. I don't control it; Im still wounded and Im flash backing and critical voice is attacking me horribly; the past rushes in on me; thats what happened. I still cant talk to women about it; tell them; OKe; lets go out and see what happens...
I saw her in the crowd; in the parking lot. I opened to a few other people; and made my way to other persons; we talked for awhile in the middle of the parking lot with all the others; and then I found myself sitting next to a truck and she came over and stood in front with me and this other guy; and got into the conversation. However, at some point he got left out and we talked alone for the remainder of the conversation; I was intelligent engaging; and lots of questions and answers and rebuttals. I did not agree with her most of the time; she was a psych major at the state university; in her 30's I think. She was studying psychology; and one of my favorite topics got brought up; and she brought it up; " Serial Killers"; and we argued and discussed different concepts and theories of serial killers; I was shocked; she was much deeper and intelligent then I realized; The last man she was with; well; Im starting to understand that she had a play a lo key personality. that was a year ago; She had tried to get my attention for several months;

Ive talked about this on this block and other blocks; If you want to date; you must loose weight and look good; dress nice; and with women; a good makeup job and hair; and pumps and a very lean thin waist; meaning; not fat; nothing; not over anorexic; but pleasing to a man. And pleasing she was; I was caught off guard. And I was correct; within; she was chasing a few of us guys; she had the predictable other alpha males the women liked in the groups; she snagged one and that was that; It took her about a month; but she was coming on to me first... But I shied away very quickly; I gave no interest and no respond; I was a dead cold rock; a fortress...
weight loss and what it takes to date~ You dont get to make the rules; the rules are set before us through biology...
I am completely shocked and disoriented by the stupidity of the generation of people that comes after me concerning certain things; they want to argue with me. Im not suggesting they don't know; or already know what Im talking about; I suppose they do but try to act dumb around me putting me in the spotting light as idiot; but seriously; If I want to date someone; I have to loose weight; get down to my proper size; go to the gym; work out; learn how to talk to the opposite sex; or for some; what ever sex... I have to find a dress code that works for me and keep it up; next is conversation; and this is where I brake down; not because Im not brilliant but because of mental illness; I was able to attract masses of bus loads of women; but never talk to them; even when they through themselves on me up close or came to my apartment in pairs wanting to sleep with me; I could not. but I suppose anyone reading this with a long history of CPTSD; you understand; I could not move; I was in freeze flashback mode and could not allow anyone to get close to me... As for weight; Im 25 pounds over again; wont work; I don't want to sleep with someone being over weight.. I just don't; Also, when my waist is really thin; it makes my shaker look bigger; HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!! Seriously dozzzzzz! So; Ive got to loose the weight before I date.. Dam! !!! Im old; and I cant eat anything anymore; exercise doesn't do it; exercise will loose the weight; but eating anything with sugar; and its all back within a month; so; Ive got an eating war going on right now; I have to get trained out of this eating problem. Im a mountain biker so at least I've got biking on my side. Weight lifting; maybe; Im getting old... I lifted for 30 years off in on! and isn't that good English gramma.
So; telling you or writing to you that I'm in the back parking lot with a lot of people attempting socializing is a fantastic thing.... Being able to be successful at it with a few friends; it great; but to also have this sexy hot thing come over to me and start her own conversation; that was a much bigger deal for it represents the recovery work of dissociative disorder.
Im almost autistic like when I meet someone; if I can break the ice with them and get to know them; possibly I can spend time with them and feel safe; I can learn to say hello to them and be friends; it takes a lot of work. And it doesn't happen with all that many people; they never get past the front gate.. I might know them for years but be at the stranger level with them for ever more...
As for this girl; we talked and hit it off; we talked for an hour about all things and opinions of our subject. I was forced to look at her in the eyes and lips; darting back n fourth; while I fantasized about ripping her cloths off and she knew it; shed already picked me. So; why is this important; because Im doing fantastically well socializing in front of a potential mate; something Ive been working toward for numerous years... I could never get past the breaking ice stage... When I worked out and got into shape and lost weight and learned how to turn women on from a distance; I did just that; However, I could never close to them; I would fall apart; just like having a breakdown; because thats what happens to dissociatives-.
So; success up close. And let me say; she was not the right person for me; she was closer; but not close enough; she and I were not inline with my real inner nerdiest intellectualismnessnnnnnnnaa!
So; it did not go anywhere near enough of depth to touch me; and to rough around the edges; Something wasn't right. Im a bit more sensitive and need to find a nice Asian chick from an art gallery.
Anyway; this was a successful conversations; I ended up walking away; I ended it successfully with all my full power and walked away..... And she was fine; her boyfriend was around and watching the whole thing; and she probably was talking to me to make herself look social to her girl groups for some status and to make her boyfriend jealous; It was probably not about me; but the conversation was authentic and real and or real enough; the closest thing to real and real practice anyone could ever imagine. And I got an A+ on dat social test. chalk up another success.... And also; she was being friendly and interested and interesting; and it was a normal interlude in the back parking lot cuisine.

Conversation #3; this happened today; a brilliant piece a kit....
I was in a meeting with a random amount of people and women; and I know some of them well enough.
I walked outside; said hello to a gent friend of mine; and we bantered; it was good and I was proud of myself for being assertive and opening up. However, a women that likes to hear me speak; she walked down to me and we started talking; and o my; I was confet-rrable and smooth and listening and joking and not polite at all; I was myself and smooth with it. Well another gent showed up; Im not sure what he was doing their; but he joined in; I think He wanted to get her alone; but anyway; I was all into the freeform conversations and I was doing brilliantly considering my past.... All I can say; it was smooth and continuous.... And I did fairly well with this other guy present; But we all got along well; and Im sure that is true concerning this guy; he was doing quit well; but I was more relaxed and joking with confidence; beaming being myself... Finally he want to get alone with her; and I asked him if he was trying to have a private conversation with her; and he said yes; and I went on my way; but that was after 25 minutes or something long; we talked about all kinds of stuff.
At the bank;
I went to the bank; and walked up to the bank teller; I was better then Ive mostly ever been; but the teller is authority to me and if he has a frown on his face I feel like its the critical voice in my head attacking me and I become intimidated by what he might be thinking about me. And its the same for women... but I was better; I was. I was in his face a bit.... I was handling it and learning to be in da face and deal with it. And I did. I was still PTSD'd freaked.. but ya know. Im getting better but Im still wounded in the brain; mind-mogged-! Im just a mog! Im just mogging! Im brundled- And when its a girl Im dealing with; Girl dreaming; " Im dealing girls at the table; I through them at the numbers and see if I win"; Im licoricing..... lashivingleee so... gleefully... like Santa clause on Meth making Angles in the mud.... A spinning barbee- is my dream; I wait for a black dust tornado to drop her into my drum set like a lolly pop at the wrong pops-store... red light; green light yellow light; blue light...
I jump into volcanoes and dig my way out; only to find Ive just crawled out of someones head!

So; Im still a work in progress... faithfully so.... Ill make it; Im getting their. and many more things are showing up and happening in my life. Im not separated from my childhood anymore;; the child in me is taking off and taking me with him to spinning worlds and walking up trees backwards doing summersaults into everyones melted personalities; Im splashing and dashing...
So; Im dong OKE. Ill make it;
Ive started plastic modeling; U.K. Style; meaning; Im into it; because the child in me is into it... and has always been into it. Im at a place of mechanicals; its not a place of platonic isms of cloudy abstractions. No social theorists at this point in this child's mind to ponder over; no! Listen to this; its as simple as operating a boat motor without my father present; sneaking out onto the lake; and having that camel sig; but of course Im to young to inhale it... At least I was back in the 1960's; but it was cool...
Its about telling my father; " Im taking the boat out tomorrow morning because Im going fish'n. And I get up at 6 in the mown'n at the vacation spot for the summer; go down to the dock; check the gas and oil; start that thing up; undo the ties; and take of to the middle of the lake...Its a big lake.. No need for a father; yet only a few years before; I had to go with my father because I was 2 young; what age was that; maybe 6. What age was I operating the boat; 8 or 9 I suppose. And the ability to operate that boat; I call that child development period the mechanical period in a boys life.. its a time of models and telescope and engine curiosity and doing things on my own without my father. and Im going though it now.... of course Im older then 8; but in reality; Im not; because Im becoming what I think about; and its not me thinking anymore; its the child that has all the heart; he is now thinking and making decisions for me; thank God...... Well; we are both in unison with each other....

So; Im still in isolation and relearning how; how to do everything. And Im learning how to feel and stay away from those less desirable humanoids that take and care about nothing.
Im learning and growing. And I have to learn to trust my higher power and keep working with the universe....
I like listening to slim Jesus; he's the only rapper these days that makes sense! Drill Time!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 1270 times

Who is online

Registered users: Bing [Bot], DoDecaDon, Duglascoj, Duglasxcy, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Irdkhelp, ShadowsMoon, weepingwillow