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OMNICELL
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Third level; hard earned.

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Sep 07, 2020 1:11 am

I made it to the third level. What does this mean. First level, when dissociation mellowed a bit; I began to walk up and talk to people. Second level; Started asking people to talk with me; learned a bit more about how to approach people and ask them for their time; took them outside on the steps; began to ask them about how to become social... Next step; Women I thought of as soulmates; I was able to interact with them; talk to them; ask them outside onto the steps and talk; Did this several times; suddenly the universe said " Stop". Altho I went on campouts with these people later; it was over... These people could do anymore for me; and any soulmates; it was over because they did not have the qualities I was looking for; they had a wolf/shark mentality. I would find this out in the most horrible way; they secretly started dating other people while still acting interested in me; they were monkey branching me. It was pointed out today that they had no conscious to start with but they didn't understand that I did; they were never looking for a decent person like me; they were vampires looking for vampires. Because I have been so mentally ill; I was still in a dream world when I accepted them; I bluntly learned a lesson as they are now in other relationships. And its painful; I wont lie; but they did like me and I did get my turn with them if I wanted it. But thats not saying much is it. And I have to remember; look where I was; the type of setting; these were not middle class people but thugs; this one girl was on differed prosecution from jail with a felony; what does that tell you; most of you would not get near her. I should have not gotten near her either. I waited and watched. I noticed how she was always looking at other guys to get attention but she liked me; this is no good for the obvious reasons; she should be looking at me because she sees a soulmate; and she did. But I was waiting for her to act like a human being and it never happened so I kept waiting and it never happened. She did like me and got close to me a few times and I could see she was emotionally open to me; she liked me but something was wrong; and what was wrong; she was no different then any women I would have met at the street meetings; I was not at these street meetings when I met her but she is the same type of person... same drug background. And God had finally got me out of those meetings and those people; the hard way; but I got out; I had many women like me from those places but they were criminal or sociopath and did not understand my human nature; they thought I was a weakling.
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The third level; Ive been working on this for 4 years; the third level is to re integrate back into middle class sociality; meaning; meeting middle class people with middle class values than networking and meeting more n more middle class people. How is this possible. its simple; to get out of a place; you must feel extreme pain; God brings that pain and then you're out; and thats whats happened here. However, having the universe on my side; I was able to see it first and I started working my way out of it 6 months ago; out of my interest in this women in the meetings who liked me. By the time she screwed me over; I've done so much work on getting rid of her from my life; I am feeling it; the pain now that it is official she has a boyfriend; this means I'm out; permanently out; I mentioned she was a soulmate; these sharks don't care.... they are sharks looking for sharks; I'm not a wolf; I'm a human being; she was not looking for me; she mistaken me for a criminal and a sociopath... I am neither. So; God is sending me a message to move on emotionally to the middle classes and get out of those meetings for the purpose of soulmate or wife or female friendships.

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In the 12 step meetings I've dealt with allot of thugs and criminal types... in fact; this last girl I liked was a reformed felon; well; I guess not! no conscious but she supposedly believes in the Bible but its Ok to lead people on and rip them to pieces; Thank God I got out of there when I did. Anyway; Im still naive and thought God was leading me down something safe; Ive been through a vast open desert of the unknown for the last 2 1/2 months. I started reconnecting a few weeks back; I'm now able to call people out for more intimate friendship conversations and a new aspect has just hit; Im now back within the middle class system; Im now at that frequency level with other middle class people; I've reconnected and am up to speed; that was the goal 4 years ago. I can now interact and look forward to meeting new people through networking and new emotional relationships... But this time; relationships with middle class people and not thug girls in rehab... or sociopaths with felonies...
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The reasons Im having so many missed opportunities at meetings and trouble within the meetings; Im being blocked from moving forward in the meetings. God is blocking me and making it painful. I am not suppose to be living their anymore; Im suppose to move out into the middle class again and start my social life; not social life in the meetings; the meetings have accomplished what they were suppose to accomplish. Its hard lessons getting slapped; it is; but thats what it takes to get someone to wake up and go into a new direction.
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Ive never had an "emotional" relationship ever; with a women. Never, the closest I got was at age 14; never happened because I could never go to level 3 where I'm sharing who I am and then take it to the next step. I am now safety tucked away at the level of the middle class and have many new possibilities of exploring relationships with women at a safer emotional level. Its taken 4 years of success based work to find myself in this place; up to speed. It's a new beginning. It's truly at the beginning. Ive had to have raunchy experiences; thousands of them so I could grow up; grow up out of that level of maturity and I have; Im back in the middle class because ive experienced everything I need to before that. meaning; ive experiences allot of hard core things and people; enough to fill my basket; nothing is left for me but to move upward and the elevator has now naturally successfully stopped at the middle class floor and the door opened and Im looking around at the elevator for the last time; I got out and it shut and I dont have to ever look back. As for the women at the meeting; That hurt; I did love her authenticly; and ill go into murderous rages and hatred for a long while but ill get over it because I willingly went into a fellowship of sick people and thugs and felons and I even knew what they were. The problem was; that was all I had for years and God has been trying to get me out of their and move on with my life back to regular people and a regular life and to do that I must participate in that new life; the only way to motivate people out of a place like that is pain; either threat of violence or heart broken from a potential relationship gone bad; putting all my eggs into one basket; and the women seeing this; she takes that basket and pulls the counter top out from under it; breaking all the eggs and runs over to another man and claims she never knew me. Nice place is it not; but it works to get you to walk up; all that pain running through my nervous system. It got me to others for help and to get the hell out of their emotionally to a middle class level where I can meet safe people for relationships. God has been trying to tell me for some time but I was not ready; well; he wants me ready. Also; I can feel something dastardly; something bad if I stayed there. I can feel it. I was not suppose to get involved with those people.
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I can feel it; I can go to meetings but my social involvement must move outside those places; God does not want me their anymore; I can feel the evil... its like an evil presence hunting for me; ive been their getting to strong. Something like that; Satan is hunting for me; doesn't want my presence in his domain making bigger waves then he can; something like that. Im crossing good into evil territory; something like that.
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I will have to battle seeing these people together in the meetings; here's the deal; they do not care about me at all or ever seeing me again; but; they wouldn't have cared anyway; this girl was never who or what I thought she was; she was a snake hiding under a guise; I guess I was 2 mental to really see it. Ive been through this before. I pull back expecting the girl to humble herself and Become obedient; instead; they monkey branch to a new guy and spit in my face; thats exactly what they did. In fact; the other day she finally tried to come up to me and talk to me; she was already sleeping with this other guy but I was not suppose to know. but I did know. she acted more confident then usual and un personal. I was talking to this women and she came up. I ignored her and walked off. later she tried to get my attention again but in an impersonal; way; I just walked away; she made some remark; I knew then she was not single anymore. And they don't care. She doesn't care; it was almost a bulling tactic of contempt; almost like saying; she thought I a weakling to pounce on; nothing more; no more value than that.
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The point is; the universe is trying to get me out of there; and this is one more way of doing it. A slam; and it is a slam. This interaction with this women has been going on for 8 months. I would have asked her out very soon and she knew it; like in a week; she knew I was growing; that is why she monkey branched; pure evil; so she slipped away to another man. She knew exactly what she was doing. She is no different than the other women I met at the other fellowship of ruff necks. Same thing. The universe is teaching me that I have to make a break of it from these people; they are no good and I will repeatedly get ran over as I was this time; I will continue to get ran over if I continue to be around them; they are covert narcissists/sociopaths that attract covert narcissist and of course they lie about all of it.... I was to mentally ill. However, all of this has helped to wake me up and it is...
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I have a rule with 12 step meetings; leave it all at the door before I go in. Do not take anything personal concerning people at meetings unless its life or death or physical violent; then act accordingly; I wont be leaving the meetings but ill stay away from all women at the meetings that are eligible for dating; I've had enough of these merciless filth... And I must say; THEY DONT CARE; no conscious in these people. Nothing; it's all about them. Ive been hurt; it's between me and God. I Will be thinking about this girl that I loved. She will be thinking nothing about me.....
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The levels;
1. To risk personal association; to break through into any level of social into the real world. To come from my apartment and start interacting with others....
2. To learn how to properly talk to people; to talk at peoples levels; ask others out; off to a corner or private area for conversation; to join a conversation and have a voice and opinion. To join a conversation and be part of; also; to start calling people to do things; to invite..... that level of things. To attract women or soulmates I really like in all aspects; to walk up to them and talk to them and interact with them; to take them outside or to the side and talk with them. To talk to them about some things; about how I feel about some things; a little deeper conversation.
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3. level three. Level three is a big big jump; talking people outside as trusted friends; real friends; not just mentors anymore. but real friends; and discuss real things at almost best friend levels. or at best friend levels; and they open up things as real as possible and so do I; completely trust and loyalty. Social; hitting the top level with people; real social success. Also; for women; taking it to the next level; taking them to the side; telling them who I really am; what scares me about maybe not being accepted by them and that I have a problem staying present and some times I run away but for them to come and find me if I do; and then asking them if they want to hang out sometime or go out and have coffee; get a phone number and tell them their cute.... Taking it to the next level.
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level three; losing weight; getting into shape; new clothing.
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Also; In number 3; to be re established within the middle class; this means going back into society at this level; of sociality.... start getting to know people from other people; Work my way through networking to the new relationships I'm looking for. Working with God the whole time; God in charge; im in service to God.
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level 4; After meeting several new people; having authentic emotional relationships with women; letting them know I'm new to such things emotionally speaking and starting the process of meeting several new women; lots of them and dating them at the middle class level until that right soulmate comes along.
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Meditation; and continued meditation concerning soulmate guided meditations. Also praying to help the still suffering alcoholic and trouble person. praying for courage... praying to be of service to God all day long; how does God want me to serve him to day; I am in service to God.....
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Recap; This women I loved; at the end I see her real face when she no longer cares who I am; she looks and acts in several ways just like my mother; incredible.
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Its not just about women; its about music creation; its about art; its about friendships its about money and anything else I would have a relationship with; its about establishing myself in relationship and positive outcomes of relationship with everything im interested in.
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I dont like being hurt so I have to keep working with God; the pain is not just losing the women; but im getting dist and they know it and I have nothing else and they know it. But secretly I do have new avenues opening up; they dont care.... or know.
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So; Im back in the middle class; im not sure what that means yet; im at that level; and no less of a level.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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