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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- December 2019
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Thinking

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Feb 01, 2014 5:10 am

At some point, I practice more; take chances opening up to others. At s0me point its about opening up to others. Im scared. Others do not see my worth. They usually use me for something.

and this happened again tonight. I helped the minister move some people. When I was working with him, everything was fine. After it was over, it was back to impersonal. and I won’t stand for that any longer.

I am starting to open up to people; However, they have no interest in me! they are shunning me; but Im learning, and this is better then before, because before I would not take any chances around people. Its horribly, terribly hard to open up to strangers! its a scary ordeal. My first impressions to people are shutting them off. However, Im knew to this! Its been along time, and I have no confidence. At some point, if I continue to practice, I will get better. It hurts, its hard, its demoralizing…

Im used to being used by people; it happened all the time from my past. However, I would like to value others... How do I do this. Im afraid of getting my head torn of. Ive been through this before...

No one has ever valued me until I could prove my worth.

When I was online; on the music site; people respected me for the work that I did; the type of music I created. I had respect. Not for me, for the music created. And with that, I was respected with it because of the music. What if I had no music. Would anyone have noticed me. Do I need music to be noticed. What is required for someone to see my worth. What do I have to do? Or possibly, its what I do during the day that builds worth.

In the real world I am shunned before I get started. I am hated or contempt exists. I do not start out with a good reputation. I am not the kind of person that starts with anything! I start with nothing because I do not try to fit in! and soon when others find they will get nothing from me, they leave in contempt and write me off as a idiot savant. Ive had it happen over n over, several times. Possibly I seem like a savant to others. I think I mean nothing to others and they are not thinking about me!

Its all very hard. I am not taken for what Im worth by people. Possibly, I have to find the right kind of people to be taken of worth. Others have to see my worth.

Im of no worth to anyone. hanging out with worth is the idea. I was thrown away as a child! No one cared. And Im now attempting to get a life back. I suppose I have to trust God and talk to God about finding the right people to associate with.

It might start by knowing my worth and what I'm looking for!

I think it starts with God. Im at a point of having to trust God and work with God through these times. Its all very hard.

clean clothing, and how I hold myself! and not being freaked out around someone is important.

Problem;

I act like I have confidence; it works, then! three weeks later I breakdown and freak after dating her for awhile. So, did I lie about who I was!

Some how I have to learn to be myself! I find this extremely hard. and, not everyone likes me! Im not their cup a tea. Some like me, some don’t!

The answer is experience and practice! At some point, its experience and practice.

Ive been alone for a long long time. I think I have it going on as if Im looking in a merrier. The problem is; Im not talking to a merrier in the outside world, Im talking to a stranger. The only way Im going to learn to adapt to a stranger is practice practice practice. Practice beats out all other methods.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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