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- June 2021
Problems with women
   Mon Jun 14, 2021 12:00 am

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Thinking about moving

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu May 23, 2019 9:49 pm

I've accomplished what I wanted to accomplish in this area; the area Im living right now; I must work with the universe and see what happens. all things take money; so; I must work with God the universe on this.
I think its time to move. Ive not accomplished all things; but Ive gotten a taste of those things very close and accomplished bits of what I wanted to accomplish. The goal is new thoughts and starting a new life.
Im stuck here I think; I don't think I can go further; we will see if the universe allows me to go further. I have to dig into it; keep working at it. Im looking for independence.
As usual; I have no plans; I dont know where to go or whY
Independence sounds hard. So; I don't know; lots of thoughts I want out of my head. I want them blocked with more powerful thoughts of my future and the new future Im looking for. I have to keep working at it. Ive got allot of horror to work through.
I would love to move someplace new....
However, I understand people; and no matter where I go; if I don't change; I end up with the same kind of people. and the same kind of life style.
Im ok if someone pays for my life; I don't do well if I have to earned the money myself; it doesn’t happen; I fall into the abyss and never come out.
Im to immature; thats what therapists and job specialists have told me.
My past and money; its a strange situations; ill talk about it; I should talk about it more; I was spoiled or ruined; but not the way one would think. I was in a cocoon because of neglect/abandenment and stayed in that cocoon while others took care of me and took advantage of me. I was more kidnapped then anything else.
I had dissociative disorder breading through my life; so, more n more, I was in a day dream world; when this occurred, bullies showed up to take advantage; take over.
The point is; Ive got bad memories! I never worked; but I was 2 broken and broken hearted and to mentally ill from trauma to function; no relationships no work; nothing. I did not want to live anymore; everything I loved and hoped for was stolen from me. destroyed. all things. Everything. My life was destroyed as much as possible by the psychopaths. I watched other members I lived with turn into sociopaths/sadistic; and soon they would turn on me and attempt to bully me from then on.
Some of the people I lived with had money; I didnt! well; I was being taken care of; food, clothing, car; but I was not home mentally; no mind; no brain; my life was ruined; I didnt much care what happened to me or where I ended up. I had nowhere. and I didnt care what was given to me because the people giving also raped me and other things; so; I really didnt want to live with them or receive anything from them; I just wanted to go home; but their was no home or parents or dreams anymore; all was gone.
So; I was never able to function because I was always trying to make up for the past years that never got developed; I was trying to be a 7 year old when I was 11 because my younger life was stolen; all I wanted was to go back home or start my life over from this nightmare; I never thought about jobs or work or money; I just wanted a life. I cared nothing about schools or grades or talents or anything. All of that had been broken out of me; and lots of it from the school system; from the system trying to turn me into a bad kid; to the system not responding to my problems when they knew I had problems. I was not a middle class kid or a rich kid; they knew I had no father; and at that point; they could do anything to me. I flunked out most of the time; I never intended for that; when very young; I assumed I would be a strait A student and have a long lasting important career.

I just wanted to go home; but their was no home; and that broke me completely to a level beyond; so did rape. and other things;
With CPTSD; I was never able to think; what do I want to do with my life; I wanted to die; It was as if I had gone through a war in my country. No one cared; no one cares to this day. no one. nothing. I did not want to think; I wanted to escape.
So; I dont know how to make my own money; I mean; I did not have to. And since I had no plans; all that I loved was gone from me; I didnt care. Im aware that many people dont get this advantage; many people get kicked out of their homes when their teenagers or 18; those that leave from abuse when very young; have no place to go; ever. from then on. I had no real place to go; no place other then emptyness; no one cared about me or liked me; no one loved me; no one knew me or wanted to know me personally; they were never interested in me; I had nothing to give them.
How; I know better then to be around stuck up people or sociopaths.

Ive tried a few things on my own. I had a few horrible jobs when younger; dumb ass jobs going nowhere of absolutely no interest.
What interested me?; I had no self esteem to pursue it. I never have. Id be on my own and could not do that; that was way out into another life; something I could not fathom; I was 2 filled with abandonment issues; I couldn’t move; frozen in time for ever.
I remember when one group of people decided they didnt want to feed me anymore; I was 16, they didnt want to feed me; I cant describe whats thats like; its this feeling of fear where death is fine; Im being kept without food; I did eat; but they stopped wanting to feed me; they wanted me gone. I cant describe the heartache; of being treated at this level; its sub or inhuman. But; these are the same people that abandon me when I was 9; so! I was to naive to understand; I had no idea of the horrible people in this world; so I did not know what it was like to be around murder’s. and sooner or later murder’rs will try to murder me in some way. Not wanting to feed me is a good example; and they show you; Its an attitude; I was not important enough to feed. the food started to dry up; They had plenty of money for food. I can tell when this kind of stuff is occurring. its sad; truly; it means im not wanted but it also says these people are tortures in some ways; one specifically, but the other followed suit. I was not wanted.
Im a decent respectable human being. I could not function on my own at 16 or any other age. I was 2 messed up;
I thought these people were suppose to take care of me and help me grow up; but that never happened; not destroy me.
The point is; no matter what others had; amount of things or money; I had no life; I was crushed inside and it matters not what was going on on the outside; I was not present anymore and no one cared about me or if they ever saw me again. or had ever known me or met me. The type of people I was round; were forms of psychopathy.
Im now; for the first time in my life looking into careers or money; I have no idea what this means; Im not working; Im on disability; but I would like to check it out anyway; see if my mind can come up with something on my own that I would like to do; be apart of.
I would like to run my own life and see what its like. Ive never been able to because of severe mental illness and a broken mind and soul, and nervous system and heart.
what would I like to be when I grow up.
Ive never had any friends; only a few guys to the south of me when a child; and nothing more; why?
Im intelligent but do not have resources so its hard to interact with anyone. Hard to attract anyone; its a horrible fear to approach people and I dont have a car or anything else.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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