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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- September 2019
One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
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   Thu Sep 12, 2019 6:22 am
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   Tue Sep 03, 2019 4:33 am

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Things continue to change

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jul 21, 2019 10:53 pm

Things continue to change.
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I was watching more tv shows from the 60's today; it is strengthening my identity; an identity that started in the 60's and then was destroyed at a later date; it is back; this identity from the 60's and with it my original memories.
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Fear; Im having to learn about keeping the faith; on my new life trek; into my original personality; I want to know how the universe is going to help me; and Ive read thats not what Im suppose to focus on; Im suppose to focus on whats in my heart; my hearts desire. So; its scary for me; the child in me feels all alone and adrift; like; is this all Im going to ever have; that I have to rely on the future; what about now. I haven't got anything; and then Im told to be grateful for what I have because the more I believe I have; the more the universe will see this and keep adding more; And I have to get to the right frequency of what I want and keep appreciating what I have.
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so; I focus on what I want; not " how" it gets here; why? because GOD/ universe will bring me what I focus on; the universe will not bring me what I want; it will bring me " how" its brought to me; and thats not want I want; I just want what I want.
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So; its hard; its a new life.
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I was at the coffee shop today; outside; Im facing people again; they are not always nice; they are stickup and many other bad things; but, I'm learning to bounce. they don't know who their talking to. Im getting more free about how I interact with them; its really changing fast. My fear is dropping about people. Its still hard core; but Im healing. I think I have to go through this nicee-nice phase for a while; build my confidence around people; and then when I feel aligned with myself ignore the rest again and again. Its all be me; always is; nothing about them unless they earn the right.

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When at the coffee shop; I write and write and write; I write stories about what I want; Im getting better at it; Im starting to put down details of what I want as if I've all ready had it for a year. Im writing stories about relationships; And the idea is; the universe has to change the inside of me for these future goals to come about; the universe must because I keep writing as if Im all ready in these relationships.
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I headed toward the meeting today; a bloke walked up and told me he appreciated what I said yesterday; so he showed up to the meeting today; And at the meeting; the invited me to sit with them at the main table. Im still very much gun shy; it will be a while. Im not healed; I still have a past life to work through that was carved out and disposed of.
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My social ability was much improved and I have a set of people I can work with as a team of support every day; as I get better I mold those meetings into the kind of support I want; creating a support for my life.
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So; nothing is easy; but the universe is bringing me back; and it is wholly uncomfortable and the grieving is great; Im being brought back to when I was 8; about 1970. Im remembering 1970. Im getting
transformed to the same person of 1970; and Im remembering the people and places and things I was doing in 1970; but the reality is; those things no longer exist; the blessing is; Im able to relive this stuff in my heart; means Im awake. the sad part is; its sad; theirs no street or house or friend; nothing exists anymore. For me; those times were important; for the people involved; it was just a moment in time for them; they remembered nothing; they did not value it like I did; and I didn't know this; and that sucks. In those days; I could go to my friends house; that meant so much to me; play on the side walk in front of the big gray and white house; we would make sticks for fighting war... and afterward I would go home down the street; down the street to my home. And all was well. And now; its just past; but the child in me; as he wakes up; none of this is past; he is waking up all his memories of those times; for him; its not memories; he's their right now. This is not a flash back; this is real memories of a personality that was buried. Im not PTSDing; Im just remembering from his perspective; and he is alive and well in 1970; so Im vividly remembering all of it.
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Its more then memory; Is the real me coming alive again and waking up. And I have to allow these thoughts to develop and express and feel again for this will connect to the present as my original identity back in tact. And let them live their life; it truly is a miracle that I can remember. And be alive again; Im also very angry about all this; But I'm not just getting back the actual memories of that time; Im also getting back the dreams and wishes and hopes and everything; its as if Im actually living that time period again; However, its a very delicate time right now to allow all that stuff to flow through me again; and Im hoping that I will come back; the real me completely. And I will head in the direction that I always planned on; and be myself again; And i think this can happen.
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Dealing with my mother or the memories of her and my expectations; or my loss; and I must break out of my mothers control and move on; its about love; not hate; its my love for a mother that will never be realized with that person; what people call mother and the realization of this. I all ready know what my father was. So he is out. I know what my mother was; but a desperate child for his mother; that is an awful cruel thing. So; the child in me will have to get past that; that she is never coming back; and I will ask the universe for someone new; for help. For I have buried that pain into disfunction; it was never dealt with that blow; and no substitute was ever asked for. but know in humiliating pain; Im asking; for what I want as live a few more years.
So; I right now is a tough tough time; I have to feel and see a whole lot of new things and memories of things as if they are going on now; and the child in me will learn soon enough; that life I came from; it was 50 years ago... And things have changed; However, not that many things have to change or will be changing because the child was living for the future; so; the future is open; open to have the experiences that make me feel fantastic and alive with belief in man kind and civilization; it is possible.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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