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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Things are tougher but Im getting to where I want

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Dec 18, 2019 8:27 am

Biggest problem I have; will I die first. Im not a young man; not anymore; thats OK with me; fine. Ive fought a good fight; no complaints; problem is; I don't want to fight the remainder of it; I would like to live some of it; not fight it away.
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Im getting better; Im more aligned with my higher power and inner being so I get it; Im not present yet; Im working through the childhood years.
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Im dissociative. Im in the child world exploring my old house within my imagination; Im attempting to remember everything I can for it was my house; I was my home; I never asked to leave it; it should not be a memory; it should be a living entity within my identity; I was cut out of me as if it was my heart and someone came in and ripped it out completely... and they did the same thing to my mind.
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I have a critical voice that shows up and plants 7th grade within my mind for no reason accept to hurt me... it was a horrible horrible horrible nightmare of abandonment and loneliness and hell on earth.
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The goal; get the past back; bring it forward as if its present; the good memories; things of positive frequencies; shake off the rest of it. Im trying; its like saying; shake off PTSD; I mean; Im trying. Im trying to come out of the flashbacks... The flash backs don't represent my true memories. I have an original set of memories of details of being present when I was a child; and I need those back; for example; I see myself putting on ice skates; Im at the rink and I can see the floor down in front of me and Im putting on the black ice skates; I can see the kids shoes as they walk by; Im just a kid; I look up and see the rubber black flooring; and I look to the side and people people are putting on their ice skates and I see to the far right; I see the counter with the helpers getting the ice skates for kids. This was a major part of my up bringing when young; it wasn't bad; it was independent; and I want that good stuff back and to forget the bad stuff; work through it; get over it and move my memory system back into the good stuff; remembering what I was doing and remember the house I lived in; actually remember the memories. Im working on it; it's hard; I have evil showing up and taking over my mind; it's blanking out; blacking out; dissociating. It's my mind and I want it back; all of the good stuff; it's a literal physical fight as I try to move beyond one set of thoughts to the next; my mind switches out so fast and wont let me see them and be present for them; it's crazy. Im getting better; and trying to stay present.
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Some other critical voice shows up and tries to critique the memories as Im trying to re see them and be in them and feel them; suddenly I switch to a 3rd person perspective and start judging them; and thats where the disfunction is.
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Im cut up in my mind bolting out of the present memories Im trying to remember. ITs crazy. Im getting better; Im choosing to remember what I want to remember.
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I have great things to remember and I need to remember them; like snowy Christmases and making snow angels in the snow and sipping on eggnog in the living room and the Christmas tree and the toys under the Christmas tree.
The problem is; I had a life with memories and rituals I had been developing for years up into my childhood. I had a seasoned life with tradition and consistency. I remembered the history of my life from years past and this was when I was 9. For example; I remember Charlie Brown specials from age 4 on; every year until I started building a history of Charlie Brown... and a history of other things and a history of movings and other things that were important to me.
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I used to go to the same street to count the cars when young; every year... every summer and I remember the dock I would sit on at the lake every year for vacation; and I assumed it would be like that the remainder of my life. But it wasn't; I was destroyed and never saw it coming; but the people who did it planned it. And I never saw it again or any other part of my childhood.
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The point is; I have good memories; they're my memories; I have to get used to seeing them and feeling them; get used to it; to the feeling that someone could come in and take them from me; take them away but wont; not this time. And I have to keep the good ones and get rid of the bad ones that do not serve me. And get rid of the critical voice that sabotages every time I try to think of something genuine and hones of that time period.
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The key is not to see the memories but to be in them and close up as if Im their; as if Im making that snow angle; I see myself; I feel it; Im in the snow; I can feel and taste the snow; and spit it out; and put my arms out and make the snow angle and the snow is moving; its heavy by my arms and I can feel it and know what I was feeling; and how good it feels and how wonderful it is to be a young child and feel safe and play in the snow....... Im playing in the snow; I can see it all around me' and Its in my front yard. And so; stuff like this; memories.... and remember thing and get rid of the bad stuff that creeps in. Im trying to re create my identity through the memories I have.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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