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OMNICELL
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Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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THings are not all bad just limiting

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Nov 30, 2011 1:45 am

I walked into the big grocery store yesterday and saw someone I know. He works in the meat department. I said hi to him. He turned and said hello. His eyes were wincing and he was in great amounts of pain. It was psychic pain. He begin to tell me how he was doing. The frown on his face, the stretched muscles around the lower face, the darting eyes of anger and confusion. He was in great pain, fear ,sorrow ,and panic. Everything was imbalanced in his life. He had no life. The people he loved had left him. His children were with him few to many times during the month. His child support was leaving him desolate. And his past wife was doing fine with a new prospective husband. He was in extreme uncontrollable sadness and pain. So many losses and no answers.

I have a friend I talk with everyday. he is trying to understand himself and the people around him. He has put faith into a fantasy bond about what people aught to look like and act like. If he hangs around these people, he will be popular. He will be loved. He will have arrived. Unfortunately the floor has collapse under his feet concerning his friends. They ended their friendship with him. He is in great pain and is trying to understand why his friends betrayed him.

So much for fantasy bonds. I believe in them when God is working with me , with the future ideas of " What will I be when I grow up"/ However, I feel that God has to be running the experiment. And I have to know its an experiment. Meaning, it can fail, its OK for it to fail, its OK if things don't work out. God will bring me more situations to be involved in.

I have learned the hard way not to make other people my higher power. It is to hard on a nice guy like me.
I would like the world to be different then what it is. And with Gods help, I can see things through his eyes and maybe end up believing that I can see things from what ever filter I choose. Just as long as I know its a filter, and that when the filter comes off, I turn to God.
Actually believing that other people are going to fix me , or save me, or be my parents again, or a ready made family is not realistic. Not for me. I have to go to God for all of these things first.

My Friend feels betrayed and in great pain. He feels less worth then others. He feels he has to make friends with those that appear on the outside better then others to be better himself.

---------------------------------------------

Its an inside job. comparing my insides with others outsides wont work. I still love to do this. And I get the pain for doing it. Im learning to ignore the outside of others: What they own, how they look, where they work. ITs hard tho. Their are times I want to be saved. I want to hang out with people that look like they got it going on. I feel like theirs security in it.. However, if they don't respect me. theirs no security in it. Nothing. In this situation I have realized finding a me through others sounds good, and if they play along and are really caring , maybe it can happen. However , I have found others are sick and wont play along, Therefore, I find nothing. Just lies and more pain. I have to be found by God so that he/she may do his work. That is possible when I ask, seek , and knock. Its possible when Im at the end... The end of everything..

I get scared about economic changes. That is something I have to pray about. That does freak me out. I make a list of all the growing things I need to pray about. That list is slowly growing.

I have to work my way into a new way of thinking. I have to concentrate on my own happiness and directions. That comes from a journey with God. It gets started when Ive had enough of this Cell Block called earth.

None of this is easy with Dissociative Disorder/agoraphobia, However, I do it anyway. And I keep doing it and keep going.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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