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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1109)
- November 2020
emotions starting to bleed out; This is good
   Thu Nov 26, 2020 7:11 pm
Anxiety and dealing with the opposite sex
   Wed Nov 25, 2020 7:52 am
The work is over my head; but thats OK
   Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:35 am
Wont let the people I love into my life...
   Tue Nov 17, 2020 5:45 am
Social and feeling worthy
   Mon Nov 16, 2020 4:21 pm
Loving myself for real
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 5:15 pm
Moving onward
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 1:29 pm
And her vision keeps getting closer
   Wed Nov 11, 2020 11:19 am
On moving on and creating a new life
   Sun Nov 08, 2020 9:53 pm
Breaking the dating barrier
   Sat Nov 07, 2020 6:22 pm
Back to the drawing board with women
   Thu Nov 05, 2020 2:53 am
Changes are occurring; still isolated and lonely
   Tue Nov 03, 2020 6:13 am

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Things are heating up; Im now backing down

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:06 am

Strange things have happened for the last few months. Im into the laws of attraction; And Im becoming very aware of things.
I've had flair ups for the last few months; or 90 days. Ive had terrific level flair ups and changes the last month.. More then all the years of working loa.
Today and yesterday; Ive had numerous flair ups..
I accomplished today; what I set out to accomplish years ago. Ive had intimate personal interaction with a women and or people.
In the surroundings; Ive had to fight off many people in many covert ways. The people Im fighting off are trained and smart and many are sociopaths; its the nature of where I gather; I wont go into the details;
The universe has taken where I gather and created situations for me to grow; hundreds of them; thousands of them.
However, within the middle of this turmoil; I situation arise'd; a young women trying to get close to me; over n over, and I running away from her; but questioning the situation; This has been going on for a year; she does not understand my dissociative disorder; she's been trying to get close to me for 1 1/2. Before she could get close enough; I left for 9 months; and now I have returned a month 1/2 ago; to find her pregnant by someone else. And this is great news for me; for her interactions with me was not to be physical; but a test from the universe; I will explain.
I was not to get caught up with her physically; for she was being used by the universe to help me. She was being used that I practice interaction with her. She was the perfect candidate. She liked me; was drawn to me by my speaking ability within groups; she at times; would walk across a room and sit by me; just to get close to me because she was drawn to me; that is how attracted she was to me. I would close up shop; I could not handle it because of dissociative disorder. I finally left as she was getting to close. However, now that I'm better; things are different.
I began to use her for practice; to walk over to her and start small conversations; she had proven herself to me. I would start them; shake her hand; talk and move on; this was before.
Lately; since I've been back; Ive actually tried to get her attention from across a room and when she did not respond; I got up on my own volition and walked over and put my arms out for a hug; she hugged me and squeezed me. And at that moment when she accepted my hug and it was a good warm long hug where she felt relief and release; it was over; I had accomplished my first phase; with out going into to much detail with the reader; and let the reader understand; many more small positive skirmishes occurred between me and this women; she had now helped me finish my objective; I had created intimate interest with an authentic intimacy; I had waited and watched; she had created contact with me; I got used to it; I ran away but came back numerous times; And lately, Ive be reciprocating as if I was in a relationship with her. However, she is in a relationship with someone else and signals were given tonight of dejection toward me; almost as if she was saying; this is over. And this is all from the universal. The universe is all over this...
Tonight was the end. I saw her at a meeting; As I left; I saw her and waved; she gave me a kind of rejecting look. What does this mean; its a wake up call for me. We have no relationship; thats what it meant. She was giving me this signal because tonight; thats the signal I was giving her or she was feeling from the universe. She got the message; her participation with me is now over and complete. What does all this mean. It means the universe created a situation for me to re enact what happened to me when 14; where I met my future wife and because of the psychopaths; it fell through; I through her away. the universe created one of many new situations for me to complete a simulation to re connect at an intimate emotional level with someone else; a situation that would require me to come back out of my shell and participate; if I could accomplish this; I would be able to get close to women again and have relationships; I did this. it is complete and this women signed me off tonight. The reader might not understand all this in its chronological order; however, let me say; all things have been done to completion to accomplish this task; Im not writing all of it in task; Im summarizing here. And what a beautiful simulation it was. As for the girl ; she is fine; understand; she was using me somewhat... she was lonely. She has a man; she is pregnant. Let the reader understand; this is a the real start for relational health from dissociative disorder; This is the first goal or accomplishment from healing from dissociative disorder; the next is having a girlfriend.
Many situations have been exploding for me lately; Ive been kicked of Facebook groups for telling women they need to loose weight if they want to attract a man. ITs as if Im being caught or entangled by people of know conscious and they are attacking...
On another site; a women who wanted to kill herself specifically showed me she had consistently read my comments from numerous posts on that group and appreciated the things I had to write and that it helped her and others; it was said in such a way of suggesting my importance to the group was well noted ; an importance of larger than I realized.
One group dumped me for telling the truth; and one group praised me for telling the truth; something strangely cosmic about this. a simulation balance of perfected timing. The universe is in this; I can see it and feel it; its complete universal.
Im my 12 step groups; things have become fierily; people attempting to criss-cross my boundaries; but I step up and call them out; but it half works; not perfect; in other situations; people are reappearing again and again as it was before; and they are trying to rope me in and manipulate me or bully me. On the other hand; people are appearing again and we are becoming friends; its as if half the people are against me in a pure form of antagonist and half the people are with me in the form of loving friendliness; a perfect balance... And other things happening; other people showing out of the wood work; some friend; some foe; but a deep balance. And other women showing up and trying to say hi and get my attention; as if they know its all over; my relationships with them; that Im leaving or their insecure that something is changing and they better step forward; and Ive had several of these type of things; and its shocked me.
I thought about someone stealing my bike if I locked in front of the church today; and thought it not a good idea. So I locked it and checked the lock; And an hour later; I found the bike strung out on the front of the pole laying flat on the sidewalk; someone had tried to steal it; but it was a fail; I had locked it good; but learned and listened to what the universe had forwarded me about. And this was not the first time someone had tried to steal my bike form that pole; they tried before and succeeded. IT was as if I was being re tested again by the universe; this time a bit wiser and listening...
A few months ago a crazy guy was walking around with a big stick; I could see he was trouble; at one point; he followed me into a building and tried to intimidate me; It did not work; they asked him to leave; he never touched me; but spiritually, it was a battle between him and me; he could sense it.. I could see right through him. And a few times we danced the dance of competition across the side walks into the street...
And many more situations have been occurring. A women I asked out a few years ago; and ignored; she's been popping up all around me lately; over n over n over. But she is not the right one. And I realize; I should have never asked her out if I was not going to go out with her; she is nice; well; she is not so nice; but she has a nice body and is good looking. But I could not use her; I still cant; so I let her go.
Ive seen her more n more; the universe has sent her to test me over n over n over; The universe is sending me a sign.. the universe can bring me anyone I ask for. Just define and believe and she will appear.
I believe all of this is happening because things are coming to a head and I am leaving.
I believe what is going on; Im working my way out of the box into a new life.
The completion of the intimate simulation with the girl at the meeting meant many things; but it is a completion and I do not have to go back and be bullied and fight with competition between myself and others for space; I can quietly leave or mellow down or go somewhere else; for this task that CPTSD took from me many years ago; has been restored.
What is the next task. What is the next social task? I found myself fighting for it tonight in the meetings with covert people socially vying for social placement and competition; but I stopped and realized; I had accomplished my task. I don't have to fight anymore with these people.

I was now fighting for the next task; but that task has not been defined. Im not sure what that task is or where. and it was kind of nice situation because; I could back down; it matters not right now; the social interactions; Im not fighting with these people for any reason anymore. I don't have to; I accomplished my first task.
What is the next social task. I think the next social task is a girlfriend. And Im not sure where I will meet her; Ill have to work it out with the universe. I had this women I asked out; walking by me over n over over; by the coffee shop and other places while I was having coffee; I thought this a signal by the universe; that she be it; but I don't think so; she is the example the universe is showing me. She is an example that the universe can bring the a women Im interested in anytime it wants; if I would define that women.. This is the " how' the universe creates. and I mentioned; this women showing up is adjacent with the other happenings of lately; suggesting Im coming to a point of completion. Im pushing through a paradigm shift.
On other fronts; my past; the place I was destroyed as a boy; many fronts exist in that spiritual battle field; lately, several have been deflated; In one case; my best friends house and family; this situation was deflated and destroyed; Im almost back to normal about it; and not impressed anymore by this family of old that betrayed my trust and used me; the power and light has gone out of it; the candle has been blown shut by the wind. As for the neighborhood I could never return to; I summerly ride my bike through it everyday now; and I go slow and at times I stop and bask in the view of the houses I remember as a boy; the sidewalks I used to stroll with all my dreams of adult life I looked forward to.
Im now in the middle of a war within my mind and soul. Im working with the universe to become spiritually centered in the house I grew up in; within my imagination and grow; grow so strong; I grow right out of that house into a new life; and that Im working on; its is horrifically painful situation and terrifying. Very very terrifying; terror ridd'n. Im dissociating when attempting it; much work must be done in this area and before this time period; going back to my birth... IT will be done; with Gods time.
And these accomplishments are putting pressure on the power my relatives had over me as a child; hopefully things can warm up and I can deflate that situation as well; we will see what God does for me in these situations. And the next battle is with the school system of that age; the grade school; that the grade school situation became deflated in my mind and of no more importance or false light.
I have my work cut out for me; it is not over; However, my real life is stating or attempting to want to emerge.
Im stuck right now this second or in a reprieve. IT may last no more then a day; I dont know.
Right now; I must loose weight. weight gain is a problem because I have to stop eating the foods that cause me to get fat; I must stop.. Even if I loose weight; I can it back it back in three weeks; so permanent food solution is at hand; the universe is sending a message.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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