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Consumer 6
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- June 2021
Problems with women
   Mon Jun 14, 2021 12:00 am

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Things are changing for me

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Dec 09, 2018 7:47 am

Im now seeking a new kind of independence
Im now seeking a new kind of independence from my thoughts; rows of thoughts of many years of being used and abused by others and by systems; teachers from the past!
Im now seeking independence from my old way of thinking; my old thoughts and those associated with it!
Im slowly moving out of the 12 step system stuff! the problem has been; where do I move to.
My dissociative disorder kept me isolated from the world; God brought me those meetings as places to go so that I could survive! They are no longer necessary to my level of recovery! Im no longer needing recovery; not at the 12 step group level! its all very redundant at this point!
When I was in college in the 1980"S! I Graduated from High school in 1981; I was only going to college to hide! I was already destroyed from my younger life! I had no goals or dreams; I was filled with Developmental trauma disorder; CPTSD and AVPD and clinical Depression; psychotic at times! I needed some place to hide! I was very much acting and seeming autistic! I am not autistic; its the severity of the PTSD! It turned me into robot! The fear and fear of moving in one direction or the other because no matter direction I moved; I was done for when young. I was thrown away and could not escape the neglect or the abandonment or the levels of it!
I Was hiding in college; thats all it was; I wanted a home and a place and someone to love me; thats all it was; college; nothing else! no value! I was ruined by that point! college was a strange bizarre place that bored me and wrecked my ability to hide; it kept me hiding from the world; but the requirements of pressure ruined me further! I was like an old man by the time I was 18 years old; run through the psychological mill; one might say; ruined by the time I was 18; my nervous system over ran! everyone betrayed me! In reality; no one was ever on my side in the first place!

The fact is; in no place ever did I have any friends; maybe to the south; a few blocks away; a group of brothers; when I was a kid; that was all; and that was all that was real! nothing else! I wanted it differently; but it wasn't! the reality was; I was shut out of life from the beginning! So very horrible and sad to look back on! to see an innocent like snuffed out like this! and it was mine! not even mine! I seemed to have no control over it; nothing!
Ive tried to fit in with others; impossible!
Im slowly changing; changing out of the social situations Ive been in; and in reality; Ive been in nothing; I would go to these meetings and spout off; talk my stories then leave; for the purpose of getting used to being around humans again with my conditions! Non of those people were my friends! They were not qualified; for I was lonely and desperate for any human attention and a place to rest my head and my mind; any place! I would fit into any place I could to find a place where i wasn't alone! I did not know how to deal with the loneliness! I still don't! However, Im doing better I think!

I still have no friends! No one has been qualified enough to get close to me; meaning, others don't see my worth; they are to bland or general of people type! Forgive the superior attitude nonsense! sorry!
As for women; nothing! the problem has been the same from the beginning! Im never around any women! Im trying to do something about this! Ive had allot of the wrong women in the world like me! Im not interested in attracting them! I found this out the hard way! The right women will work; where are they! or; where am I; why am I not meeting them! and thus is the problem!
Ive had allot of fear of the type of women I want to meet! Im scared I was not enough! I would be laughed at! I have to over come this if I want to meet women! the right women! I have women in my meetings looking at me! Im not interested! Ive been through that! they don't turn out to be of much the kind of quality Im looking for! its not their fault! I mean; Im in the same meeting place with them; they think Im one of them! Im not! Im hiding their! Im looking for any place to hide! anything I can to substitute for a family and middle class life style I don't have!
I want my dreams like the next person! I missed all of them! no on gave me anything really! nothing but a nightmare! and a death sentence!
So; Im slowly moving on now; Ive gotten what Im suppose to get; but I go back to loneliness again!
I've made it out of a partial level of more severe dissociative disorder; and for that Im grateful or I would have been stuck in that for the rest of my life! I barely made it out of that state of insanity and mental illness; I still have the illness; its more manageable at this point!
The point is; Im mentally starting to separate myself from these people; where Im at now; Im out living it and out growing them and it and all of what this process has meant for the last 20 years or more! Im moving into something else!
Where am I going; what am I doing; I don't know yet! Im working with the universe to determine this! pathways unfolding!
My biggest goal is a wife! I know; if I keep at this; it will happen; we will meet up! I have to be at a higher flying level for this; I have to be more prepared and at a better self level for this! For I have to show up for myself to myself!
Id like to say more; but I cant! Im trying to create new pathways and places to connect; I have to see it in my mind first before it is real or real on earth or in front of me with cloths on! So; I have allot of work to do creating this new life; the scenery and back drops and players and actors and plots and love stories and all that goes with a new life!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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