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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- September 2019
One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
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Things are changing

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jun 20, 2019 6:08 am

I mentioned in the last blog that it has been 20 years that I attempted art; try more like 30 years; and I have to look at that; thats a whole life span career; and yet; it doesn’t register to me; Its the dissociative disorder; anyway; I may be able to do something about that now; as I was diagnosed correctly 12 years ago; and got the therapeutic help I needed.
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Im writing this because Ive gotten better very quickly; I was laying in my bed a few hours ago; and realized; Im getting better; part of me is feeling more like a therapist then a patient or client; However, Im so very weak; my identity; its forming back to normal but can hardly stand any traumatic experiences; anything; its extremely sensitive; cant describe it. In good conditions I would become a Doctor; in bad conditions I would have become a psychopath. Because I had a mixed of situations; I become extremely mentally ill. I guess thats the third choice. I become or formed as a human being; and then I was broken beyond remedy.
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Anyway; Im getting better; it gets lonely tho; my world has been very small; an apartment, mountain biking and meetings; ive tried to play the piano and make songs or do art; but it has not gotten very far. for a while in 2006, I was writing music; I wrote allot of music; but could not settle down and write stuff I could perform; same problem with art; could not settle down and make art that could be put ina progressive coffee shop; Im attempting to change that now; Im different now.
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So; Im getting better; what does it mean; It means im not in fight or flight like before; or freeze. I am, but I dont have to be; Im starting to stand back and make decisions before that happens.
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I truly feel like ive put in my time in this area and no longer need to be here; where I would go; I have no idea; I will have to write about it.
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There is nothing here; only meetings for me to attend for my mental and recovery health; not much more; no friends; not really. But I wanted it that way.
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I have allot of work do to in order to get better; I have to keep writing scripts about my future life.
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Ill write stories about where Im suppose to go or who Im suppose to be around.
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locked in an apartment sucks; its lonely and isolated reality; However, I can see myself making new art and doing something with it; Id have to get good at it. Id have to practice and learn to feel safe doing it; to the point of getting good at it.
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meeting women would be nice; not sure how as of yet; I guess that will come with time as my higher brain kicks in.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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