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Things are changing

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 10, 2019 4:43 am

Im changing; Ive been changing for several weeks; Im nothing close to who I was was 3 weeks ago; Im a different persona right now; its as if I turned a corner into a new person; its as if I just lived 15 years within 3 days; many different things of independence have occurred over the last several days; such jumps in reality; its as if I walked through magic doors within walls; I leapt right through reality into an other reality. I cant explain it any other way; Im back to listening to classical music; modern composers because I want to be a modern composer.
Being a composer; I want to be a composer but Im damaged; and the flashbacks show up and ruin things; just as my main life was ruined when I was a little boy; my childhood; the whole of it was completely ruined and destroyed; decapitated. and my inner middle young life brutalized to the point of separation from self; very serious trauma levels; redlined. I was and did become a cripple; a mental cripple; finally going completely insane and far gone as a human being. I was no longer a human being; nothing was left of me.
Im now starting to get part of myself back; its within my thinking; a new part of me is opening up again; The key is to get some ideas of what I like to do and do them; don't switch hit anymore; meaning; move from one trail to the other; stay on one path and build something; if I like art and I like music; dam; go with it; just keep it up and see where it goes; just do the things I like to do;
I always wanted to be a stage actor; in fact in my very young life I thought I would be on the stage all my life; but that never happened; I was held back from all things; that could change now; many things will change now; now that I understand what has happened to me.
Understanding what happened to me; the real levels of depraviltiy is setting me free; its horrible and unimaginable; I came from the worst abuse scenario; that is truly horror and sadness; and I know what true fear is; I know what locking fear is; to be locked away and forgotten; I know what its like to be a life snuffed out; I know the harder fear of it; to be pushed because of external extremes to seek safety and relief in suicide; I know. I know to well; 2/3rds of my life were like this or more; and this is not right; but it happened to me; and its happened to others.
I was a walking zombie that should have been dead from suicide; simply from the pain and the giant pain of self separation when younger; I had a solider personality carrying around a dead person; dragging what was left of me; nothing was left of me; it was like a prolonged war for me; everyday of my life.
Now my mind is coming back; Ive earned the work and Ive put out the effort and its paying off; but I have no idea what the payoff is but I like it. and I want more of it. lots more.
I want to learn how; I want to learn how to live.
I understand now that Im a sensitive person; I want to critique movies and plays and go to art galleries and listen to modern classical music and write modern classical music; and make art and write stories; Im a great writer of create stories.
I realize a whole finer world existed for me; but Im an introvert; I wont only those colorful experiences and nothing else; Im more of an intellectual at heart and want to be around others like me; introverts; that like star parties and looking of telescopes or being in plays or making them.
Ive never gotten to live my life; the people I depended on did not know me; knew nothing about me and didn't care either way; in fact; many tried to make me out to be a fool with an IQ of 70; that could do no more then hit a nail with a hammer; no disrespect to carpenters; Im suggesting they thought me so limited that an autistic boy would fair better in life then me; they thought me dumb; simply because they could get away with it and because I refused to tell them anything about myself or give them anything of myself; I refused; so they had no choice but to judge me; only way they could castrate me. and castration was their means to an end.
Silently and Quilty Ill slowly allow my real life to flourish and see where it goes; see what my real interests are and be OK with it. I don't have to be anymore then what I am.. I must learn this.
I've been a sociopath and a savage; but Im coming out of it; I've come out of allot of it over time.
I was gone; my mind was fractured from itself and I was no more; I was not present. I was not here. its changing now.
So; Im getting used to this wake up; see where it leads.
Biggest opticals...
Dissociative disorder; I remember the first experience In life was being trapped in a car by a psychopath; that was my first memory and I can feel the pressure on my nervous system; so; that means it was happening long before my first memory; what they were doing to me; abusing me!
I dissociate and cant seem to finish anything; and it feels good and right and safe that I don't; and thats the problem; I stay in this disabled state; and wonder; it would be nice to break through the thought barriers into reality. And that may be where my real work is; my greater achievement of genius. we will see. If I can pick a natural area I enjoy and focus on that and keep at it and not give up to defend that position and get outside support and help to keep it growing.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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