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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- September 2019
One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
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   Thu Sep 12, 2019 6:22 am
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   Tue Sep 03, 2019 4:33 am

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Things are changing

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 10, 2019 4:43 am

Im changing; Ive been changing for several weeks; Im nothing close to who I was was 3 weeks ago; Im a different persona right now; its as if I turned a corner into a new person; its as if I just lived 15 years within 3 days; many different things of independence have occurred over the last several days; such jumps in reality; its as if I walked through magic doors within walls; I leapt right through reality into an other reality. I cant explain it any other way; Im back to listening to classical music; modern composers because I want to be a modern composer.
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Being a composer; I want to be a composer but Im damaged; and the flashbacks show up and ruin things; just as my main life was ruined when I was a little boy; my childhood; the whole of it was completely ruined and destroyed; decapitated. and my inner middle young life brutalized to the point of separation from self; very serious trauma levels; redlined. I was and did become a cripple; a mental cripple; finally going completely insane and far gone as a human being. I was no longer a human being; nothing was left of me.
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Im now starting to get part of myself back; its within my thinking; a new part of me is opening up again; The key is to get some ideas of what I like to do and do them; don't switch hit anymore; meaning; move from one trail to the other; stay on one path and build something; if I like art and I like music; dam; go with it; just keep it up and see where it goes; just do the things I like to do;
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I always wanted to be a stage actor; in fact in my very young life I thought I would be on the stage all my life; but that never happened; I was held back from all things; that could change now; many things will change now; now that I understand what has happened to me.
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Understanding what happened to me; the real levels of depraviltiy is setting me free; its horrible and unimaginable; I came from the worst abuse scenario; that is truly horror and sadness; and I know what true fear is; I know what locking fear is; to be locked away and forgotten; I know what its like to be a life snuffed out; I know the harder fear of it; to be pushed because of external extremes to seek safety and relief in suicide; I know. I know to well; 2/3rds of my life were like this or more; and this is not right; but it happened to me; and its happened to others.
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I was a walking zombie that should have been dead from suicide; simply from the pain and the giant pain of self separation when younger; I had a solider personality carrying around a dead person; dragging what was left of me; nothing was left of me; it was like a prolonged war for me; everyday of my life.
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Now my mind is coming back; Ive earned the work and Ive put out the effort and its paying off; but I have no idea what the payoff is but I like it. and I want more of it. lots more.
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I want to learn how; I want to learn how to live.
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I understand now that Im a sensitive person; I want to critique movies and plays and go to art galleries and listen to modern classical music and write modern classical music; and make art and write stories; Im a great writer of create stories.
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I realize a whole finer world existed for me; but Im an introvert; I wont only those colorful experiences and nothing else; Im more of an intellectual at heart and want to be around others like me; introverts; that like star parties and looking of telescopes or being in plays or making them.
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Ive never gotten to live my life; the people I depended on did not know me; knew nothing about me and didn't care either way; in fact; many tried to make me out to be a fool with an IQ of 70; that could do no more then hit a nail with a hammer; no disrespect to carpenters; Im suggesting they thought me so limited that an autistic boy would fair better in life then me; they thought me dumb; simply because they could get away with it and because I refused to tell them anything about myself or give them anything of myself; I refused; so they had no choice but to judge me; only way they could castrate me. and castration was their means to an end.
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Silently and Quilty Ill slowly allow my real life to flourish and see where it goes; see what my real interests are and be OK with it. I don't have to be anymore then what I am.. I must learn this.
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I've been a sociopath and a savage; but Im coming out of it; I've come out of allot of it over time.
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I was gone; my mind was fractured from itself and I was no more; I was not present. I was not here. its changing now.
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So; Im getting used to this wake up; see where it leads.
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Biggest opticals...
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Dissociative disorder; I remember the first experience In life was being trapped in a car by a psychopath; that was my first memory and I can feel the pressure on my nervous system; so; that means it was happening long before my first memory; what they were doing to me; abusing me!
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I dissociate and cant seem to finish anything; and it feels good and right and safe that I don't; and thats the problem; I stay in this disabled state; and wonder; it would be nice to break through the thought barriers into reality. And that may be where my real work is; my greater achievement of genius. we will see. If I can pick a natural area I enjoy and focus on that and keep at it and not give up to defend that position and get outside support and help to keep it growing.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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