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Consumer 6
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- November 2020
emotions starting to bleed out; This is good
   Thu Nov 26, 2020 7:11 pm
Anxiety and dealing with the opposite sex
   Wed Nov 25, 2020 7:52 am
The work is over my head; but thats OK
   Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:35 am
Wont let the people I love into my life...
   Tue Nov 17, 2020 5:45 am
Social and feeling worthy
   Mon Nov 16, 2020 4:21 pm
Loving myself for real
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 5:15 pm
Moving onward
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 1:29 pm
And her vision keeps getting closer
   Wed Nov 11, 2020 11:19 am
On moving on and creating a new life
   Sun Nov 08, 2020 9:53 pm
Breaking the dating barrier
   Sat Nov 07, 2020 6:22 pm
Back to the drawing board with women
   Thu Nov 05, 2020 2:53 am
Changes are occurring; still isolated and lonely
   Tue Nov 03, 2020 6:13 am

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Things are changing again

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jul 19, 2019 3:41 pm

Things are changing again; Im getting new perspective.
Im with the understanding that the past must be deflated; I got some 30 different areas; family, institutions; experiences within those institutions, families; systems; that must be deflated; they have to much power over me because my whole childhood; 0-18 was a catastrophe of horror, let down, disappointment, out rage, surge, horror, terror, humiliation, degradation, rape; holocaust.
My earlier life is a successions of horror; and thats all it was; fear at a tremendous inhuman level; the buildings, the people in the buildings and the neighboring countrysides; the schools; all of it.
I've got the beginning place I lived; the town; from the beginning of my life. I then have the new town I lived in; my home town and the neighborhood I lived in; the house I lived in; the Grandparents from that town; a place I later had to live and their house and that neighborhood. I have the schools I attended; the grade school when living in my childhood house; I have the the continuation of grade school while living at the Grandparents house and the junior high. I have the new house with my mother in a new city on the coast; and the school I had to attend; the horror of that; that was in 6th grade. I then had to come back to my home town.

From the 8th grade; I have to move back in with my mother at the coast; this is 9th grade; that house; that neighborhood and its bullies and that school system; including high school.
Senior in high school; a most hideous situation. The house I lived in; my false best friend and his family; then the high school with its bullies and indifferent teachers...
Then college years! And all of this must be looked at and deflated and worked through.
The relatives; a false situation I should have never been exposed to. They were complete strangers; I was unfortunately; for them and me; It was unfortunate I had to associate with them.
I would say; Im making my point. I have allot of institutions to deflate..
Some things are or have been getting deflated. The best friend, his family and his house; deflated. The neighborhood I grew up in deflated. My childhood house; 30% deflated; or 20% deflated.
The first girl I loved and thought I would marry; that has been deflated. IT was deflated because Ive successfully recreated the situation in the present and with practice; Ive been able to interact emotionally with people that had emotional feelings for me in the present (women). I was able to walk over to them; I was able to allow them to walk over to me; Ive intimately told them how I feel; they've told me how they feel; and thats thats; their is more to it; but you get the point; the reader should get it; understand; its been completed. IF I was 14 again' meeting my future wife; this time; at 16 years old; I now have the ability to have walked up to her and talked to her about what was happening to me and stayed with her.
The point; if I could have walked up to her and talked to her when 16; I can now meet new women and new relationships and continue down my life journey with a new family; no more living in the past. not necessary; However, Im extremely week... reality is a very hard place for me...
This problems extend into music and art; lots of hardened horror associated with these concept from birth. So; the goal is to deflate music and art... thats one goal; that I be able to make music and art again.
Im changing; the key is; working with the universe; how to deflate these horrific things of the past that they may have no power over me anymore.
And the same deflation must occur with school work; I could have done many things; what ever I put my mind to; but it was all stolen from me through fear and trauma. So; nothing was accomplished in the school system.
So; the school system; college system; home work; learning, studying. preparing for tests and such; all of those things; And I can feel fear when mentioning all that; Im looking to deflate such things.
So; things are looking up for me; much work must be done. Goals continue. The most important goal right now is art work; an art show.
The next goal is a girlfriend; the problem with this; again; delation of having a girlfriend;; its bee to larger then life; as if she is going to dominate me or be the enemy; I have to see her as a friend. Ive seen everything as negative and hostile and it must stop; cant have a vision of such things.
And let me say; concerning the survival in the 12 step meeting system; forgive all people in these meetings; constantly, then return to the meetings; don't be stupid; continue to keep those of no conscious at bay; and disregard the rest.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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