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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1025)
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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Things are changing; some things require a war!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Mar 18, 2017 6:39 pm

From the psychopathic family systems I came; deteriorate me like acid; I was a melted human being! destroyed!

Ive now faced the human aspect of this collision! I faced it head on; fear; and I broke through! I faced what I had to personalty face!

Ive had the ability to tell a group of people that I hated them simply because they breathed; nothing personal! I was then able to close a meeting with them hand in hand, arm n arm! and one young girl next to me! not that young! young enough; looked at me from 2 inches away, looked in my arms, looked in my eyes and said " Omnicell, I hate people to", some of us are just that way"!

And I was able to say hi to the people I thought didn't like me! people I was scared of; people I thought were rejecting mel would reject me! I found out; their just like me! and this means for ever more, I will be taking chances with them to get close to them! since this door is open, it means, every-time I take a chance getting close to them, they could slam it in my face; they could; they might!

One women I had asked out a year ago, she gave me a false number; she's now coming on to me a bit! I looked at her and said; " I thought you didn't like like me, I thought you didn't feel safe with me" " I thought you were scared of me, she looking at me and hit me in the arm, extraordinary friendly to me; and said, " I don't hate you omnicell, Im not scare of u"! She then got real close with arms around each other for the closing; I told her she made me feel nervous! This means she's hot, and my feelings are showing for her! she giggled a little like she liked it; liked what I said! she did like what I said! and she's been giving me this friendly body language lately! super open and friendly! Im almost ready to ask her out again! Im not sure what is going on!

So, the door has been opened! not sure how to explain it! its open, much like a hole in the wall of a dam; its open! I broke through! The goal was; if I can break though, I can work on my human problems with real people in real relationships in real time! I don't need to write about it or go to therapists about it anymore! Ive worked through the fear of people! and I have made the first positive round in this fight! I won the round! this means, for the first time; I move on!

I still have fear of people; Im still terrified because of my past! but Im not locked away from the outside world because of my dissociative disorder or the PTSD!


Music;

I have a love for this; for the creation of it; but a nervous system filled with hate and fear and terror of it; I don't trust it or like it, Ill run from it! unfortunately my inner self was ran over so many times when young; I learned to hate everything about the real me! Music is the real me! and it hurts! at the core, I've been ruptured! and music has been ruptured along with it! and it brings up horrible memories and ideas of failure! horrible failure!

I don't have to fail at music! I don't have to fail at anything; Im scare to put out any energy or work toward it; i don't want to be a failure and not make it! but I love music and I don't think its about wining or losing or failing! but it is! this mind set has been set in stone and I have to un set it from stone! this is the rage-full hard part!

Its like the human break through! Im looking to work toward a break through; not yet! Im looking to go general on things first, handle the simple basics of this pain ride; find out how to go a little deeper without scaring me; without putting myself into shock! something about being forced to go deeper into this! massive amounts of pain!

So, its a real fight! Im frighting for it! I've never been comfortable with music; ever! I always say toothless bums doing it on the streets who were such low lives they couldn't do anything else! I have a real associating with music of something of a low level scum orientation! I see it at the worst of the worst of the bottom of the barrel! and I would like to change this because I want to go into this direction! I Always seen people for low stature in music! thats how I see it! but I don't! but I see it would be an escape from responsibility for me! this how I see it! what am I really suppose to be doing with my life! who am I really! what do I really want! who am I really! am I being myself or am I a cog in the system that does not want to wake up!

I looking for hope to smash down these walls! if these walls could smash down from the hatred I could put out allot of work toward music creation as a direction!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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