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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- September 2019
One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
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   Thu Sep 12, 2019 6:22 am
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   Tue Sep 03, 2019 4:33 am

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Things are about to change

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jun 10, 2013 7:32 am

The girl at the meetings changed everything 7 months ago. She wanted a relationship with me, I chickened out and ran away. However, she was for real, and this stunned me! She saw the core of me and loved me unconditionally. Ive never been so blown away! However, I goofed! I ran her over emotionally by accident. I did not know what I was doing. Before I could gather my brain back, she was gone, taken by another man.

Ive changed a great deal!

For the last several months, Ive talked about unconditional love, relationships, and activities that are important to me; art!. Ive talked about frustration with participation in art. I never feel safe on the inside or the outside. Now I realize, Im switching personalities, much as I have switched personalities with relationships,. And I believe this is the main problem in art and other important areas. Im not participating for myself. Im participating for everyone else. I needed to change my thinking, I can do this by practicing a new way. With in this new way of thinking, I learn to help others as well as myself. I learn to please myself unconditionally and no others.

Art is a personal expression of stress...

THe meeting tonight and the speaker meeting yesterday;

Yesterday a speaker from the group explained how anxiety had destroyed there lives. She explained the curse of non social functioning and the useless ability to finish what she started. She claims its the anxiety. She used drugs to cover up the pain and confusion from anxiety. I understood completely. This is exactly what I did.

How could I not understand that the people in my group were exactly like me! And why has it been so hard to get close to people. My symptoms from the past were more severe then today!, and this is the reason Im doing better. I was never mentally home to have friends in the past. This is now changing. I have been changing since the departure of the girl from the meetings 7 months ago.
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Many new people in the meetings, and girls are staring again.

Today is the first of its kind! I went out to the back of the church. I sat with, stood with the other members of the group and interacted. I have been talking about my issues in the meetings lately. Today I talked to the people directly! I found everyone was like I am. I was blown away by this.

I never ventured around anyone, I was to dissociative to be around more then on person. Now I walked to the back and stood my ground alone with many people.
The new cute girl from the meetings that has been staring at me came next to me smiling ( the " I want you" kind of smile), she wanted to see my art work. She wanted me to bring some in! I know what she wants, its not art work..

So, social interaction is slowly opening up on all fronts. ITs very hard and requires my full participation. I cannot wait for someone to show up and rescue me. Its not needed, Im not a beginner at this anymore.

Now Im off to make basic art concepts for myself and no one else.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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