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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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THere is no forgetting...

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Sep 22, 2013 12:43 am

I can forgive, and I forgive all who are born into this crazy place of pain and strange circumstances called life! It has not been what I thought it would be!

Im cleaning up! My apartment has been 2 years behind my recovery. 6 months ago, I took it through a trash crash corse and emptied the place. I through out what was not needed, took the rest and put in the back room for a later sorting! However, that sorting never took place. Now;

Ive finally started the stripping part of the clean up process, 6 months later and Im back at it again! This time I strip a room of everything, everything goes except the white walls. I then swab it down with cleaners, including walls and everything, floors; to get it clean! Then I take the stuff from that room, put it all on a shelf with its room name. Thats shelf is stored in the back room. No more stuff is allowed in a room. I may go to the back shelf, get something, use it in the appropriate room, then when done, take it back to its rightful shelf! and that is the plan, and its already started, the bath room is being swabbed.

Ive got a new vacuum, I have new sheets, I cleaned the bed over n over and have a water resistant mattress cover...

most furniture and clothing are gone. More is going to be gone! Im starting over!

The kitchen will be interesting, I would like to try the paper plate thing... plastic cup throw away stuff thing! IT will be swabbed out next!
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Im dealing with the past: IT hurts, they will never come back! I never had a chance to have a relationship with them, and they did not care, they killed me! they killed my brothers.. I will never get.. However, I get it! it was all fake! they never had lives, they never had a conscious, they had no remorse! my father was living off my mother, it was her money! She was looking for a stupid man to manipulate, she thought she would find it in my father! It never worked, it backfired! He did not turn out a good choice! He got out of farming, so her idea of the perfect stable situation backfired. She had a false mask she had to keep on for the remainder of being with him! Then when he got rid of her, the real sociopath appeared in her! As she was a real sociopath! she had been mimicking the whole time! She was a fake! She had no conscious, she was malicious with no regard, and complete malice. She had no remorse. She would always manipulate others into doing things and leave the remainder behind to suffer and starve.. She was a danger to children!

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I lost a way of life. I lost everything, as if I had been uprooted and thrown into another country with no history of my prier life! I am fixing that.

I want my childhood back. Its mine and I want it back! It has nothing to do with any one else. My life was no ones business.

When my father was in charge, everything ran smoothly. He kept everyone in line. He kept my mother in line! She felt men were inferior! Therefore, she would play act the roll of meek house wife. She did not have the character for it! She loved no one, nothing!

She would get into other peoples business because she had no life of her own! and that was not my fault or my fathers fault. She was exceptionally incestuous in her dealings with family members, bringing her personal stuff into others private areas, where no one is aloud.. it was sickening and abusive. She did the same to my father! It was a gruesome situation for any young people or children that had to be expose to such things. She made poverty out of people, or people into poverty! She made bad people out of good decent people!

She should have been taken to the towns square and publicly beat'n to death! this would have done all of us a favor!

she was hoping to get some security out of the deal, that was her only interest in my father! He was a farmer, and she was hoping to cash in! Nothing! it backfired, she ended up buying a house and working and supplying the money!

My father lived like he was middle class! We snowmobiled and skied in the winter, he built wood stuff in the basement! He seemed normal! He was not. He put bushes and fences and water sprinkler systems in the houses yards. The Problem; He was not working! He had no money! Why?

My mother was sadistic and started acting out with passive aggression. She would violate his boundaries. Do stuff behind his back! He finally got tired of it and got rid of her. He spent 4 years ignoring her and going to college to get a degree, then he dumped her! This had happened several times to her in the past. Men would live off her to go to college then dump her! She never went to therapists or looked into to having any problems; most sociopaths don't!

He should have never married her!

She transferred into me as if I was married to her; when my father was gone! She acted like I was her husband when I was a boy and a teenager.. sick f@cking people

He never knew what she was! She had been married once before and engaged once before that! She was a gold digger! nothing more!
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When she uprooted the family, Everything died with it, including the memories of the family, she made sure to get rid of everything associated with it because she was moving on to other families. And with contempt, she made sure she did not have to take the children from the last marriage with her. Meaning myself. She abandon her children without a thought, uproot them and left them dry! all memories of that past family were gone! IT was a form of family genocide. And this is the act of a sociopath!

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I am attempting to work through this great loss. Lots of elements to this great loss to process, the more I process and can handle it, the better chance of being present and responding in the present reality against the dissociative disorder and PTSD problems.. Im fighting the mental illness that I come through it, punch a whole in it, walk through the defenses to the outer world and start my life over again. Over without, the brothers that never loved me and never cared to see me again or valued me or knew me or cared to really knew anything about me. Im starting again with out the false best friend that acted like he was a friend, yet, when I left the neighborhood, he forgot my name and that he had ever knew me! I tried to live with this family at 17, it was a horrible mistake! they hated me and had always hated me, and talked behind my back. I had never been a friend of anyone in this area; it was all false! It was so confusing and heart braking.. I had no one on my side; nothing!

These were people that killed, maimed and hated the poor, but used white middle classism to cover there love for being in-love with themselves and thinking they were Gods. I did not! I had a God, and they were not it! I was hated, while I loved God. I was exterminated. THey wanted to exterminate me the way the nazi's wanted to exterminate the jews.

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Slowly, one memory at a time, I work through it, that it be released, that I may get on with the remainder of my life!

I had no one on my side from the beginning! Things are different now! Its just unbelievable! I have all these memories of trusting people, and it is all wrong, none of them should have been trusted, I should have never known any of them.

When I was a child, all things; people, places and things were off! meaning, I was wrong about them. I believed I had friends, and family, and I was loved, Nothing true about any of it! I was completely off. There has never been someone off like I was concerning there early life!

I was alone during my early life and had no one! This is the truth! I was living in a giant hardened fantasy bond!

I was hated to core by everyone for no reason! Possibly because I was an authentic human being!

When my father left, his side of the family and my association with it died as well. And his side of the family was my family!

He was never what he claimed. He was a sociopath narcissist; I meant nothing to him! I mean nothing! Nothing! He had no connection with children unless you were on his side and you did not pose a threat! I never knew this, I thought he loved me! He did not! He despised the human race! He was an antisocial personality! I did not know this..

I had such a strong fantasy bond to keep me alive. This bond had been built in my early life to withstand ritualistic abuse that I was exposed to! However, later, in my early teens I could not withstand anymore, I was finally destroyed, or being destroyed, by the time I was in my late 20's I was legally destroyed.

Now, Im slowly working with God and within groups to rebuild my life!

The groups are OK. Lots of different people. Im just starting to take chances to open up bits at a time.

I have lots of work breaking through more PTSD stuff....

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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