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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am

Self acceptance is the key.
I can see myself chasing women if I was happy with myself; and happiness comes from inside me. And happiness is showing up. And Id have to be happy with the women. Meaning; being with the right women.
The wrong women dont care about my opinion on something; they just want to manipulate or use me because they are worthless and have no respect for anything; the only reason Im around them; Im manipulating them because Im so dam lonely; I kiss up to these worthless types because Im lonely; if i did not; I would have no female attention; nothing. And nothing makes any sense here; nothing; could the universe not bring me better women to associate with. I guess not; and I have no road map to any better people; nothing? really?
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Im not happy about any of this! nothing; and I dont get it.
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I am truly scared Ill be alone all of my life. Ill write another blog about this.
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That is the only reason id be around those women in the first place; the wrong people. Im scared and disgusted that the right people dont want anything to do with me; And I take this to be from the universe in complete confusion. And I get no answer. is the universe going to war against me? Yes? I dont get it. I really dont. what type of credentials do I need in order to be around the right people. What type of job; will the universe supply this job; what type of money; will the universe supply this money; what type of clothing or vehicle. will the universe supply these things or the proper work environment for such things.
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Many times; Im afraid ill die alone with no relationships; never having one; And seriously; I dont understand the universe; how could the universe or why would the universe allow this to happen; I dont get it. I really dont. I dont understand. How can this be a friendly universe and cause this.
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When I head out on my bike; at night for an hour ride; ride around lonely streets out in the countryside; its lonely and I see what I dont have; all those houses and trucks and land and such; it makes me ill and feel like Im worthless. Like Im worth nothing; whats the point.
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When I see women that are stuck up and a waist of time; I want to immediately walk away; but Im lonely; I don't know where to go... m
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For me to have women; I have to feel good about myself. But women; something is wrong with them; they don't play along; something is wholly deceptive with them; I don't know; I don't trust them. I just want to play and flirt and have a girlfriend; so; Ill have to allow the universe for such things.
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So; I have my own opinion; you have yours; I have mine; Ive got my own guidance system hooked up to the universe; its mine. I have my own opinion; you have yours; yours is not mine; I have my own.
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When I walk out into the real world; Im not connected to anything; no one cares that I have my own opinion and want to share it; I don't have anyone to share my own opinion with.
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When it comes to women being in their place; what other role can they take; Ive got my own opinion; they are not in my life for any other reason that to flirt with and sleep with; and thats it. they have no other position then to make me happy; other then that; Im not interested in anything else. My goal is to give my opinion on everything; and express all my feelings freely; Im not interested in anything else. I don't associate with fools who try to stop me; regardless of gender.. and Ive met women that scare me; they are not safe for anyone to be around; deceptive with no conscious.
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Im not a people pleaser; in a sense. but for safety reasons or economic reasons or social reasons; Ill go along with it because of loneliness; loneliness is what drives me to people please.
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When Im writing; I can have sone respect or clout because its my blog; but out in the real world; no one is interested in me or what I have to say; nothing. Im not connected to anything.
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Its the same problem with women; no women around to be connected to. who can I flirt with or have fun with. Ill have to work with the universe on that; and their it is; and thats the point of interest with the universe. Meaning; I want the universe for practical reasons; I want the universe to show me where the women are that I can flirt with; life is that simple. And their is the big problem. the universe is not showing up; and I don't know why? and it scares me; Im not sure what Im missing... Something is wrong or not in alignment. I don't get it. Why isn't the universe helping me survive.



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Im attempting to do what the Wright brothers did; Im attempting to create something that does not exist yet; my life. And Im looking at the universe; the universe is not helping and I don't know why?
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In many ways my life is moving forward from the inside out. However, financially and romantically; Nothing.
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Im working with the universe. Im trying to come back to reality; Change is occurring. change within is occurring. but the one factor thats missing is money. Money builds privacy...
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I want to feel safe when I do things outside; that requires land; my own land. Im not sure Ive ever said that before; It seems to be true; Im on a bicycle; not a car; If I want to look through a telescope or use and rc truck; I cant; I dont have my own land for it. One might ask; really? you have to have land to look through a telescope; yes; unless you have a car. I mean; I can take the telescope to specific areas; if its small enough on my bike. I can set it up outside. Is it safe where Im setting it up. Do I feel safe; can I relax where I set it up. No! I dont have my own space. Doing it over n over n over again out in the open freaks me out; I need my own space for such things; And maybe now Im facing that. I wont look through another telescope; I love looking at the moon; but I dont have a safe place to do so; thus; I wont look through one anymore; not unless I have the proper place for it. I dont feel safe with others around me; I want to relax and spend my time looking through the telescope; not worrying about who's coming up around me and behind me. Nothing wrong with wanting why own space; its a decent thing to ask the universe. And thus; the rc truck is the same way. On my bike; I cart it all the way across town to a place; finally start using it; but its not the same; I need practice. I need to feel safe; I just dont feel safe..... I need my own space. Ive talked to the universe about this.
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Its frustrating working with the universe; I have to step out and ask for things; and if they dont show up; it reminds me of trusting my parents when young; when they were not real parents; they were monsters with masks getting ready to destroy me and could care less. I was dumped for good. Do I want to go through more pain like that. I had no parents. Its not fair... I dont understand that universe....
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When I trust the universe and the universe does not follow through; I see the universe as I saw those monsters when young; Im being set up; why isn't the universe helping me; I dont get it. and I dont trust the universe anymore; and I shouldn't; I dont owe the universe anything; none of this makes any sense; why put a child or a human being adult through this; Nothing makes any sense... Why?
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The Wright brothers created flight; the airplane; Im trying to create my life; I cant say it any better. but time is running out for me. and I do not understand the universe; who is on my side? Theirs not joy in this? I have no life; Im banking on everything that Im trying to create so I can get a life out of this. Ive tried to ask the universe for direction; and nothing shows up.
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I have a direction from the universe; a direction for the child in me; but what about the adult. I haven't got the money to enjoy life. So; what do I do?
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The child gets to relieve things; art; remembering vacation spots; but the adult in me wants women; a car, land; or freedom through money. So; wheres the direction or the universe helping me....?
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By the time I get this figured out; Ill be dead by then; Im getting old; I dont understand.
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Being around the wrong women is a waist of time.
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As for women; I cant date women when Im not around them. I cant date women that are the wrong women; I cant date women if I do not present myself in the right light to who I am and in the right group of people who will appreciate me. And how do I do these things; and with what credentials; I have non. And what pathway to them; hello universe... And with what money; you can be around women without money...
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So; Im like a ship out of water; Im attempting to understand the alignment of self. I dont get this.
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I have one interest as far as women... An Asian soulmate. that is what my inner being warms up to; but where is she. Or; where am I. Where do I go; wheres the road to all these things; this money, or land, or house or Asian soulmate, or career; or even the ability to create art and feel good about it. Im trying to see it in my mind. The amount of work necessary to these basic things; I dont understand. I dont understand why a direction is not supplied to me or for me. Life is a waist of time; all of this; it seems the world I want to live in does not exist. So why go on.
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Im in this place; a strange place of safety; that I dont have to kill myself over these things ;but it still does not solve them; and thats whats frustrating; its no life. I dont have a family. Im not sure how to afford one... again; the universe would to show up with the money. I dont get it. I really dont get any of this; why was I born; to endure this misery; this miserable life; really? Does the universe do this to people...
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Im starting with art. I can do that; it hurts; but its a great place to start, to bring the inner me out to contact with the world; to get used to contacting with the world.
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What about music; I have no idea because my thoughts are so wretched concerning music. I dont know what to do with it in the real world; the real world looks like a dead end road musically in every direction; I have no interests in the real world; I dont know where I would put it or why Im creating it; no idea. I have no idea what to do with it. I feel like Im wasting time when I should be making money. Music is about giving my opinion; when did the world care about my opinion.
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I hate this because its no fun. I would like to collect rocks; but wheres my wife. I would like to make music; but wheres my house. I would like to look through a telescope; but wheres my land. I would like to go on vacation but wheres my car. You feel me? something is wrong; and I dont believe the universe will bring me these things because Ive tried to call out to the universe to many times and for 2 long and my life just waists away with all of its desires un touched. nothing. No path ways to my desires. nothing. I cant trust an unethical universe. Why is the universe not bringing me things that I ask for.
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I cant say it any better; Im dislocated from self and life and I dont know how to get back their. Society seems to be to high a price for living; So; Im not sure how to live or whats needed and I dont get signals from the universe for any of this. As far as the universe is concerned; its like; Ill live in a cardboard box on the street; I dont get it. Is that all the universe is going to do for me; nothing. I want to be happy; am I suppose to learn how to be happy living in a cardboard box on the street; maybe; I dont know.. Maybe thats that test; but I think its asking to much; I dont know. maybe not; but its in human.
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Im a writer; I like to write; I have no interest in writing anything; the world has ruined it. I dont know where or why I would write; what direction for who or what. I dont know; I have no direction. Whats the direction universe; I dont know; I have no paths opening up anywhere for anything. I dont get it.
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I just wanted to be safe.... I wanted to live in a safe place; it takes money. but nothing shows up.
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I wanted a new mountain bike; but nothing shows up. What do I do. is this going to go on for 20 years; 30 years.
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I wanted a car; but nothing shows up; and no answer; but an answer is showing up; a kind of answer; but I need or want another answer. Im being depleted as a human being; and dont get it; wheres the universe. Why is the universe not filling in these gaps or showing me how to fill them in. I dont understand.
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I wanted the money to take care of the car but nothing shows up. When I say " shows up"; I mean an answer for this; and thats my insecurity with the universe; the universe should put this priority above all other priorities with me; but isn't; and for that; I dont trust the universe.
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Seriously , this goes on n on non n on n on.
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No pathways show up. I dont get it; non of this.
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No women show up; Nothing...
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I have no idea where to meet women; Nothing. No plans no pathways; nothing showing up; part of the pproblem is I could meet women if I felt good about myself; laughing and jolly.
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Im like the wright brothers; My life; its like trying to make something out of thin air. I have no pathways; nothing that I believe in. However, one has been building within me; and thats where real manifestation starts; within my imagination.
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I believe in nothing in society; nothing; absolutely nothing; no sane man would; ridiculous using of human beings; thats all it is.... Its a travesty again man and God....
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I have no direction. Ive tried to work with the universe; over n over; but nothing...
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Ive got keyboards and drums and telescopes and rc rock crawlers and guitars; nothing; no use; no where to use them. whats the use. Where do I use them; this is what I get for trusting the universe. And thats the frustrating with the universe; whats the point. I dont understand. I really dont; I try to trust the universe. I didnt buy telescope to look at them sitting in the corner. I bought them with the understanding that I could use them in a safe place outside; but not so; where do I use them; where is the car I can haul them with. Yes universe; Im waiting; and how long do I wait; until Im dead; Im already an old man.
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I dont understand. I really dont.
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Not having a car or the money to run one is an embarrassment... I dont understand. Im looking at the universe and I dont understand. This is where I need the universes help; Where are you universe?
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I have singing ability, creative music writing abitliy; it useless and worthless. Where do I use it and for what. Why? And I aught to write a blog on this; simply to let out my insecurity concerning this travesty.
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Art; I can see only one use; re connecting me to a society I place that scares me and I dont like in the first place.
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I do not believe in anything in this society. Nothing; and have no where to hide. Im not connected; I dont have a connecting point anywhere; its like connecting to the dark. Its like connecting to a blank wall of silence. I have my own opinions; I dont need society to create my opinions for me.
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Ive had some success interacting with people. Real success; I went to an event the other day at a vacation spot. It was nice; Their was food; and I got to walk around and look at things; see the train go by; I had the idea of collecting rocks. Got to see where I swam as a kid. And this is good; and I should write and will write a blog about collecting rocks; the good and the bad or fear insecurity feelings.
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Im like OKe. It was nice; this vacation spot. but now what. I mean; Yes; its a good thing. But now what. where is this leading.
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The struggle is real.
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Whats the point of having talents. I was singing Karaoke; it was fun but it was also horrible; I was singing and thats as far as my interest in music; to sing at a karaoke event; some of the people liked it and thought I had hidden talent; I liked it; yes; I do have some; but what good is it; whats it for; wheres it going; whats the point. What am I suppose to do with my life. However, Im suppose to make art right now and connect it with the outside world and I know this.
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Once; a year ago; I felt a huge pull because I thought; if I was connected to something I really believed in; I would do something; go forward in something; but Im not connected to anything; Im lost in the dark. Wheres the pathway...
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I dont get any of this. Non of it. I dont know what to do.
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Im not lost completely; the inner child seems to be growing down a path; but the adult in me has no growth. nothing. and no direction; the inner child within me is moving forward. Im getting old; My life is running out. its been all for nothing; a complete waist. I simply cannot understand the universe; I cant understand why this is happening; the universe is allowing this; why is the universe is not helping me.
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I have no joy collecting rocks when I know I need a car and love and land and money. Hello universe; are you listening to me? Doesn't seem to be listening to me.
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Ive done inner meditation work; The inner me wants an Asian soulmate. Fine; where is she? How much work does a person have to do?
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I dont see anyone showing up; Nothing; no one has shown up for 5 years; thats how long ive been working on this; and nothing.

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Im not giving up; A pathway has opened with me; and it continues; but its not offering the adult anything. Im getting nothing out of it. Im still riding a bicycle.
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I have enough to eat; and ill count my blessings. But I dont get it; theirs no happiness here; its loneliness . Its almost as if the only happiness I get is within myself within a fantasy; nothing in the outside real world. Money would solve all this. Or one part of this.
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As for women; How I feel about myself would solve this. When Im up and around women. If Im happy and joking; the women will show up. Or Ill be free to meet them and have fun around them.
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Im frustrated because Im in the wrong place to meet women; the women I want; and I want to meet. And this is a fight with the universe.
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I have to like myself; laugh and be jolly; and this is possible. and I dont know how to do this yet around women. Ive not been around very nice people and I dont want some psychopath around me or sociopath... I want decent respectable women in their place; those who are flying in their own lane and staying out of others; staying out of mine; those who know their proper place in society.. I want nothing less.
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Let me say that the inner me is doing quit well and if he continues and gets stronger; hopefully he will bust into the real world; the outer world; and be strong enough for his direction.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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