On having a wife; the work is over my head but it will come. Im getting better; slowly; but Im slowly developing on stage at a time; at some point; I will have over come the opticals Im facing.
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Do I not have women interested in me; I have one right now that is interested in me but she is the wrong type of person.
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I have CPTSD from trauma and Dissociative disorder/AVPD; agoraphobia, and so forth...
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I was thrown away at the age of 9? later moved to relatives; I would not call them that; monsters.. I started using drugs because it didnt really matter now did it. No one cared what happened to me. This goes on for 5 years... at the end I was using PCP and psychedelics ;l was overdosing and ending up in hospitals. later at the age of 22; I started drinking I think; by the time Im 30; That last 2 years; Its looking more alcoholic; But end up in the nut house for PTSD reasons and it all comes to a crashing halt; Im in recovery and about to go through a bizarre gruesome strange life for the next 20 or more years as a mentally ill person getting worse...
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CPTSD DISSOCIATIVE Disorder are the main problems; any drugs or alcohol are secondary but still qualify to be in the rooms of of addicts and alcoholics and in the rooms of PTSD Trauma people,. clinical depression people and so on....
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So; The town I live in; Im all over the place in recovery rooms; all of them; doesn't matter the subject name; CR, Emotions anonymous; makes no difference..
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Ive learned one important issue; do not date women from meetings with chemical dependency. The women are sociopaths... And it doesn't work; even if they can feel and have a good heart; They have no right or wrong about them; losses; none that liked me; non questioned their own behavior; No ability to reflect....
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Recently or actually last year a young women liked me; I could not or would not respond., When I finally did; I had a conversation with her. but their were problems.... I finally ignored her completely. She tried to say high; I ignored her completely; the reason; She needed to question her own behavior... but she never did.. And most dont that ive dealt with; they always blame someone else but are never willing to change... They will not change their behavior to honer their hearts,...
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Thus; I met a women similar to what Im describing in my previous paragraph. She likes me; it seem authentic; But when she finally said hello to me for the last time; 2 weeks later she started courting a guy in front of me; knowing the effects upon me. I know this; I wont go into the details. It was sickening to watch and broke my heart... She didnt care. I cant have anything to do with her ever again... She has no conscious ; nothing,.
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Here is the point. I have to meet women outside the recovery process; meet them back in the real world. A decent nice person; I will not associate with anything less... She must be safe and of quality or no go....
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So; its all over my head to meet someone in the real world. Im hardly able to handle any kind of reality.
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I can hardly handle any kind of reality; things like asking the right women out for a date. Well; I would say I can do that; Getting invited to meet this right person has been the problem; thats the work; the process of meeting the right person being invited to meet the right person. attracting the right person. Its over my head. The reasons; many reason; the point; I will need a tribe of men to work with that will strengthen me for this journey.,.. And its over my head and thats Ok. its one phase at a time of learning and experiencing and at some point ill feel good enough and confidence to meet women again and ill meet my wife; because thats what I want...
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Im working with men right now and I must say; I cant do this thing alone; I will need their help to slowly develop me...
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My goal is to let go of the past; I have ways of doing. his; and moving forward...
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Once forward; Ill work with other men to strengthen me up and then meet someone.
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I have to be at a point of dating... thats where Im headed... And thats a mouth full.
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