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OMNICELL
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The wolf pack; and, Ill get better

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jan 04, 2018 6:57 pm

The wolf pack! I use the wolf pack as a way of playing the small child with those that will play family system for me; substitute a family system! I never had one; I didnt know when very young; one is in a fantasy bond and will take all energies coming their way and turn it into love or family love or emotional love! After being destroyed out of a family system and by life or the community; I ended up with no ability to feel or intake feelings! I was destroyed! I never came from a family system; just psychopaths!
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After leaving this family system of psychopaths and before; I would find large groups to belong to; or other family systems to belong to! I was looking for another family system! When young; I would end up at someones house and I would make them my new family! In reality, I was being used but never new it! So; in reality, they never saw me as part of their family; but I never knew; and this will cause massive devastation in the future! I will be destroyed by this; for I will be thrown away again; and these are people that never wanted me in the first place! I will end up orphaned from them! I will end up orphaned from everything! I tried to go to school; I trusted no one; and ended up attacked by predator bullies! These were sociopaths or psychopaths looking for weak kids to attack; they could sense I was alone and had no protection! No one cared!
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I had no real family, I had a house! I lived in a house! That kept me insulated; but not for long; it was taken away and then I was erased as if I was never born! The neighborhoods I lived in didnt care; this was not their style of problems! I was like an alien from another planet that did not fit into this! I was quickly ostracized, criticized, turned into a black sheep of the community and thrown out with all darkness and gnashing of teeth! Many of these filth from the upper economic neighborhoods are all the same; worthless filth! they live off the country and its people! they take everything they can get their hands on and cover up the crime; rich criminals; nothing more! They are dangerous if your ever in trouble; they will leave you or abandon to your death! They are worthless arrogant people; Godless in nature; but they are first to have their Jesus churches and dolls ready to shoot anyone not like them! Their brand of christianity is based on their smooth comfortable affairs; their money protects them to be anything they want to be! take away the money; and they are frail and nothing! However, these cowards hide behind their money and their greed for it! They sound good; but in reality; they are dangerous! They use people ruthlessly; in a sense; they are the real head sociopaths of any wolf pack! They disguise themselves to look like everyone else! In reality; they are worthless filth hiding behind their money! However, that money buys the state! I can assure you; the rich have the cop protection long before I will! They are arrogant! They will interrupt a decent man when he is speaking or speaking out; and they will feel safe doing so; as if they actually believe their will be no consequence! In reality, their money protects them; so do their rich friends; evil; yes, the most evil on earth possibly; maybe not! either way! they are not nice people; they are murder's, who will murder and bury the evidence after the courts find them innocent! And they are always found innocent; for those who work in the courts live in their neighborhoods! and they look after their own wolf pack!
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I gave myself away to being around wolf packs! I was looking for anything to take the place of the family I was starving to have; anything! any group that I could fit into that I could play the small child roll and be taken care of; institutionalized!
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Im the type of person that wants to be institutionalized so I can be taken care of or loved! I dont want to be out on the outskirts! and this has causes a problem of giving up my identity to fit in! Ive not been myself and then looked for what I wanted in life; Instead I would join a community of anything I could find and fit in!
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I tried to fit into my old family system many times; the psychopaths! I was thrown out with gnashing of teeth; they didnt want me because I was not one of them; I was a stranger to them! they were not human; they were inner cultural predators who ate other citizens of their country!
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I will sell myself to anyone if I can stay with them as a family! Out of desperation; this is all Ive done all my life! Ive never felt safe enough to be in real relationships with anyone! Ill take the lowest position in a group for attention; just so I can feel like I belong to something; anything.
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One time in my life; God brought me a girl when I was a teenager; she was a teenager; but I turned on her viciously because I saw she was the rich! and I knew I would be booted at some time! unfortunately, I was wrong! and I payed dearly for this mistake! I walked out and abandon an innocent person that trusted me! and it causes fear in me when I think about what I did! So, Im very confused! I could never really accept that person never again! I guess my prejudice for the rich was to strong! I thought; if she is one of these; Im her enemy! I could never be around her ever again! I could not face the fact that I might get a good life out of this deal! I would not trust the process! this girl would have never hurt me; I loved her and her innocence was hooked into me! Then I coward out and turned on her!
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So, I spend my life running and looking for a family system or other strong structure for security! Today, Im turning to God about all these things; and Im attempting to learn how to be in relationships with a women again! this is very hard; Ive not had any type of track record worth discussing! I dont have a track record; I never dated anyone; I was 2 freaked out from mental illness.
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Getting involved with women seem dangerous and not smart! but not getting involved with them seems immature and stupid! so, I guess I cant win! I must work with God!
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I must allow God to bring me the right people; I send out the signals; God brings the right people!
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I didnt know I was going to be a coward when dealing with girls. I could never take a chance with them; I never thought they were ever on my side; never! they would turn on me sooner or later! In reality, they never turned on me! I freaked and stunned myself out; I turned on them! and this was not my character! Now I know what happened; mental illness! could not help it !
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I thought that all women would turn on me sooner or later and could not be trusted! I dont like anything or anyone that cant be trusted; it reminds me of the rich and how the slam their doors in the faces of the poor and dying! and how they create the dying to succeed with money!

It was impossible for me to understand at the time that I was not around the right kind of women; I was not around nice women! Women are scarce in my life! I was hardly around anyone or anything! I thought all people were bad! meaning, I was all alone and had nothing; I didnt want to live! I certainly was not going to trust these ingrates in this society.
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I was not of the upper middle class money! and many of the women I met; they were interested in money or those with money! and I had no money; so, their were no women! I did not fit in anywhere, nor was I apart of any type of system; I did not have the background for it! You had to come from something to be apart of something! Maslow's hierarchy of needs; I was at the bottom wrung. If I could not take care of myself; why would I care about things like women; or even think about them! I didnt; my life was destroyed; they are the last thing I wanted to think about or get involved in!
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I found myself in the outskirt of a wolf pack of one nature or the other; weather it be one friend or a group of people; and still this was far and between; for I was alone most of the time in my own hell.
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I used the college system as a family; it was a miserable failure! I never went to school to work on college home work; I went their to belong to the school; belong to something, anything! I should have been in a nut house; I was nots. My dilution was as if the school was a giant family I could get love from! I never tried to do well in school never did I care; the system meant nothing to me; I did not care about any future or home work; I was enraged and mad; insane; I just wanted love now! and the school system was a system and could take care of me; I just wanted to be taken care off; I didnt care about anything else! Love and security is all I wanted!
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PTSD and bulling and corrupt teachers and school officials; all destroyed my abilities; destroyed my abilities to trust anyone or anything at the school level! I did not fit in with the kids at any level; nothing! I was an alien walking around! I could not open a book; I was to disgusted and freaked out being at this ridiculous places! Im speaking in terms of junior high or more importantly; high schools!I was suffering from dissociative disorder and long term PTSD!, I could not open a book or study or get into anything!
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I did not fit in; I had no family! and could not fit in to anything; to much fear and PTSD! I had no place to go or to fit in; and no one cared! finally, the only place I had left was at the end of a rope! So; this battle ultimately ends with God or the universe and the fight was with them; the universe in those ghosts in it! What was I doing here on planet earth with these f__kiing idiots! Why was I here!
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Being in relationships; I could not trust women; they seem to make a game out of everything! They adopt a laissez-faire attitude or one of deliberate non-interference so that women felt free of pressure; Free of any pressure to appreciate or respect anyone in front of them! they seem to respect nothing! Im not sure if this is biological or what! I understand women are build to have children and appreciate children! However, the simple idea of relationship seems to have no real value with the women Ive been around and seen through my life! It was different when I was a kid! later, it all went backwards; hating men seemed to be a fashion statement! very strange! " all men are worthless, no good, free loading rapists"; thats what I get from most women! unless your good looking; and; Im good looking to women; so I dont have to worry about any of it! hahahahahahah!

I did not come from a back ground that I supply someone any kind of life! so; i was out! I was non existent when it came to women!
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Im not suggesting I dont like women; I like women that are inline! I dont like free speaking or feeling women! I think they should be locked down to a mans desk! and used; spanked until they cry for mercy!
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I did not have the upper hand! I had nothing! I came from nothing! I was looking for a family; thats all I was looking for! I wanted to fit into a family! Be loved. Be around loving people.
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When your thrown away, out in the cold; your destroyed by the predators that are out their! I was alone for to long with nothing! I fit into nothing! I never got any help with anything from anywhere or anyone! finally it was the state that helped me; they were the only ones! I was just a number but I qualified for help! and Im still getting state help! they are the only ones that responded to my need for help; no one else! the rest were 2 faced lies and liars that would let me die! or would have let me die! or thought they had let me die! God or the universe was watching.
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The point is; Im alone in the sense that everywhere around me is the enemy; I have no friends! I find myself in wolf packs of different makings; a lost child only interested in a family of love that will take care of me! Generally, I dont find all that much love and acceptance! soon, they turn on me because they weren't worth much to begin with, but its all I got! I want them to appreciate me from a lowly level.
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So, with the rich; with their money; they think their superior!
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So; Ive spent my life looking for a family to desperately belong in! When very little; it was TV! that is what gave me my security! I remember nursery school; outside with the other kids, painting with water on walls and driving around big wheels! I remember that! that was a secure place!
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I didnt know I was around the abusers I was around!

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I didn't know, my whole interest in life was to find a family; Some place I could escape into! hide from the world or fit into! Not to belong to anything anywhere is a form of evil.
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I found that money within a family; that is economics! high level money within a family, allows a cushion within a family system that they can dream about what ever they want to dream about; privilege. When the privilege interrupt you purposely for the sake off putting you down for social status reasons; they've got the state or cops on their side because they have money on their side! Money is the name of the game and runs everything and makes the decisions for everything for those kind of people. For me; I use God, the universe and the laws of attraction! And allot of super millionaire billionaires top the same!
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The rich have the cops on their side because the police are used to protect those with money!
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The point is; Im looking for relief! Im not going to find it in the people around these cities or neighborhoods! I dont know where to start! I was never protected; and I spent my life looking for protection! to be taken care of and safe; like a 5 year old walking around in shock looking for his mother who he will never find!
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insecurity ruled the issue!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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