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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Social skills improving
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My goal is to work through adolescence.
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The truth reveals itself

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jun 30, 2018 5:20 pm

When young; I was moved to another location; I had the idea; I wanted my mother; She is in this new location. I was 12 or 11 years old; my father had already left! I didn't know he was a sociopath and a predator; I had been exploited the whole time! fooled! Sociopaths will do this with children; young children; because they know the world knows what they are; so no-one wants to be friends with them; they manipulate small children so the sociopath is not alone!
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When young; around my father! My image of my father was created by TV shows, my innocence and decency and my imagination! Unfortunately, no one resembled what I was creating! In the real world; I was dealing with a monster that was never paying attention to me! The truth is; I would attempt to go places with him; I would ride along in his truck. I thought he wanted me their or was trying to help me grow, In reality; he never noticed me at all! I was just an object; nothing more! Im mad that I didn't know this; I was never given a chance to know this! I was fooled from the day I was born! I thought he was in charge of the family; why?; because, thats what I saw on TV shows; how father acted! Their was no one in charge of anything; He was using his wife for kicks! and using her money to pretend to others that he was a successful business man! He groomed others; first calculating where he would meet them; usually well to do people! He would be friend them; go to their houses and act out this business man roll of success! He was a sociopathic fraud! Why did he do this?; kicks! nothing more! it was a thrill; Nothing more; he was a sociopathic potential serial rapist! He was doing what all predators do; he was using human beings as objects to gain a sense of power and thrill! Nothing more!
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I was being thrown away from the beginning of life! I never knew! and the psychopaths and sociopaths around me planned it that way before I was born! They always do! that is why they have children; their free game to destroy for a predators thrill seeking plans!
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I was being thrown away from the day I was born! I had plans for my life! when very young; I thought those plans would come forth! I had no idea I was being set up for disaster or death or to be killed off! I was never safe!
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later, after being thrown away several times; I found myself in a new city! I reached out to God before this; and cried out for someone to love or love me! I was 11 years old!
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I moved to this new city; and at the age of 14 I met girl; I loved her! I found her and helped gain her trust! She trusted me; had no reason not to! she came from parents that could not lover her! later, when it came time for me to advance on her; meaning, make her mine! I could not; I stumbled and choked; emotionally speaking; maturity speaking! Something was wrong! I could not move forward; a deeper part of me of revenge came out; revenge and hatred from traumatic shock! I was not who I was suppose to be! I did not know this about myself! I was to young to understand!
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I was at a strange cross roads; she did not know I was a loser! I didn't know either until I got to the ages of 15; and I knew something was wrong! I could not do well in school; I could not function in a class room or do school work of any kind; I did not know what was wrong with me! In reality; it was trauma; Trauma from every day of my life as I slowly reseeded into my dream world to stay safe; for it was all I had! I had been disappearing for a number of years; it began to show up in the 4th grade; something about the 4th grade; My age; the maturity level and what I was to learn in school up to that point! I had not learned anything beyond the first grade! I may have learned nothing in the first grade! I had learned nothing and was not ready for any advanced work in school! So; I was put in the slow kids classes when in reality I was a brilliant person! This confusion left a giant fearful blow to my mind! I did not understand what was going on; why was no one helping me! I was all alone it seemed' but believed someone would show up at some point and help! They never did because they were never going to!
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After mass trauma problems; by the time Im 14; Im extremely mental from trauma and dissociation; altho, no one cares about me or about this condition! By the time Im 15, its going to show up more n more; or at the age of 14 its showing up more n more!
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So; I fell in love with a rich girl up the street! Why?; God! God brought her to me to love; and she had someone that loved her genuinely; me!

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I had a problem! At some point in my teenage years; I begin to see myself as a young adult; and from that stand point; I was nothing; had no schooling, no future!
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I thought I was retarded slow and dumb! I had not been educated or developed educationally or emotionally; in any area from the beginning of my life! No English and no math skills; nothing! No social development; nothing!
I could play drums! I hid in my drums! my playing! I did not know that my drumming would end! I didnt realize these monsters had tried to take away my drumming from when very young! it was all a game for them to destroy something; they would get trust from their victims and then turn on it! it was fun n games for them; thrills; and it was no game; it was to the death of who ever they were doing this to! meaning, they did not care about the outcome of the person; they never planned on associating with who ever they destroyed; ever again; so; it didnt matter! nothing did!
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I didnt realize I was relying on their houses; the psychopaths; to play drums! I had no idea! I didnt yet know what was going on or what to call it; I was still innocent!
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One day; I realized I could not drum anymore because I needed a place to drum; a room! I had nothing on my own! I was mentally ill from trauma; severely; and had the maturity of a 9 year old! I could not work or function! no one cared! I tried to hang on; but I had nothing to hang on to accept my beginning dreams!
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The point is; The girl I loved; I could go no further with her; I felt like a liability and a loser; from the adult perspective; I know my worth; but what has that got to do with reality and taking care of some one else; I could not man up! how could I; I had no development and that development stopped at 14; actually it stopped at age 5 or age 3.
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She was innocent and did not know! She thought I really loved her and cared about her! I could not tell her; nor could I tell her anything about what was going on! Later in my life; I begin; after getting help; to describe what had happened to me! She had been gone for 35 years by this point!
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I lost her because I was not in her economic bracket; thats what I thought; and I could not break this belief; it was over my young head! I couldn't ask a rich girl with a future to understand me; a decent person with no future and it was not my fault? I could not ask this rich girl to step into all of this; She was not told any of this from the beginning! In reality; with no fault of my own; I was a fake and did not know enough yet to understand this! I would never be accepted by people like this! The rich! impossible! I left and never came back; I gave up! I loved her so deeply! she would have been my wife! I left her standing their unknown of why I never associated with her ever again! Later, I tried to talk to her; it was to late; she had gone back to being rich and stuck up and acted like she had never met me! I meant nothing to her; It was as if God had erased her memories of me and my credibility! Now; I was just another weakling to forget about.
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What could I do about my schooling situation! I was a loser; thats how I was treated by the monsters! They tried to condition me that I was a loser if I could not do well in school; but they made it impossible for me to have any success in life! Now; I know what was dealing with! I had to get out of their; away from these filth from the beginning; but I did not know this as a small child! Nothing was safe and had never been safe!
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The point is; I never resolved this; I become extremely mentally ill after leaving this girl; to the point; I should have been in a nut house. I was completely non functioning by this point! No one cared!
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My mind and life were being erased!
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In the present; Im now well enough to address what happened; or, Im starting to talk about it; how I was to dumb to be in school or could not function in the school system at any level; class rooms and I was not prepared for any level of upward movement within the classroom systems; meaning, math or english; anything; anything dealing with tests or text book learning; I was dumbed down from trauma! also; I could not trust anything! my personality and nervous system was ruptured and going to be ruptured again and again several more times.
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I was not prepared for college or any type of outside vocation! I was not mature enough to do anything! I was like an abanden 12 year old! I was in fear and shock and traumatic dissociation!
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I lost the girl when young; Now; what am I suppose to tell a women I in the present; I feel like Im stuck in the same situation. I find that Im in the same situation! I now have to learn how to talk about who I am; How Im disabled and how its effects schooling and work! Its very hard; I didnt expect to be dumb in the school system! Someone that could not advance because he was not smart enough! thats how it felt! it was horrible! Now what do I do! I have massive pain and hatred surrounding the school system; text books; tests; especially teachers; all of it! Authority figures! I refused to give to them or open up to them; I never trusted any of it!
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So; Im now trying to stay awake as a human being to deal with the past; the dissociative numbing and trauma that numbed me completely out of my life! I went to sleep when very young and was completely erased.
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Now; I work within groups to keep me awake and present to deal with the past that I might recover and be able to get my dreams back; learn how to be in relationships again!

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Also; I have massive PTsD from the whole of my life from ages 18 to 0; all of it as to be looked through as I wake up! Ive not been able to deal with anything that happened in this age time because its all closed off to me from trauma and numbness. Numbness 100%; my life at this time was whited out completely! Now; as I wake up; Ive got some very bad times in the past to work with or look at and wake up from!
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I have goals today; and these goals require that I wake up; relationships and activities! And Im trying to learn to go easy on myself! Relationships dont have to work and my occupations dont have to render me money or not at first! I can make mistakes and its not the end of the world! When I was young; a mistake would bring the end of the world!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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