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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (950)
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- July 2019
Things are changing again
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 3:41 pm
Things are heating up; Im now backing down
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:06 am
I have CPTSD
   Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:47 pm
Real changes are occurring
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:46 am
Coming back into the present
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 2:32 am
Im extremely frustrated
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:14 pm
Fining myself or facing myself
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm
Im beginning to understand
   Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:30 pm
Visualizing
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:28 pm
Starting from the beginning
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:35 pm
The trap house part 2
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:13 pm
The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:15 am
Massive Mega paradigm shift
   Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:01 pm
First post recovery conversation
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:55 pm
Dating and Art
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm
movement
   Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:56 pm
childhood abandonment
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:23 pm
Being single
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:53 am
Preview: PTSD; High School
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 10:31 pm
Fear
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 4:34 pm
Ive found some answers
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:41 pm
D.I.D; let me introduce myself
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:23 pm
PTSD; dealing with triggers.
   Fri Jul 05, 2019 5:32 am
Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
   Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:08 pm
Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:25 pm
critical voice
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:38 am
Toxic shame
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm
Ive found some answers
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:59 am

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The truth I think

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Dec 20, 2012 4:52 am

Im getting closer..

Why would I want her. If I show any weakness during the courting process, Im done for. Im thrown out. Even if she comes up to me to say hello a million times, It wont work. She doesn't get it. don't come up to me a million times. Go up to one of my friends and ask them why Im acting the way I am.. and you will get a simple answer,. and the problem is solved. However, You don't want an answer. You are a nice sweet girl, your not educated enough to ask things in an analytical way. You have the intelligence, you do not come from a social background of that procedure.

I thought I would save you from a " Your either strong or a pussy" attitude. Now I know you don't want to be saved. And now I know you don't want me, or anyone like me.. You are a vampire. I am a human. Im starting to get it.. IVe been here before... Your simply interested in biting me. getting blood. You don't even know my name. And you don't care, and you never did...

The feelings I had for you are not real. They are for a fantasy in my head; you helped create that fantasy, you were hoping it would work. It almost did. But it didn't, that is why I stopped talking to you, because God knows you are evil and that is just fine with you. You have no problem with that.

I don't believe you. I don't believe you care about my feelings.. Your another pusher, just like before.
No one exists, the image in my head.. You are just an image. You are not real. The real person is a stranger I do not know.
I have to beware of the vampire. I am so close to them. They can be a few feet away. I have to remember this... ( vampires are bad people that want to take from me because its all about them, Im not seeing real vampires)

You have no respect for weak people like me. People that are honest, and kind, and care about there people and there nation. People that think about the death of children in there country. You cant stand weaklings like me; simple minded that refuse to be manipulated or controlled, or play the fool while you attempt to run things as if your the kingpin princes of the prison cell...

And you have proven to me that you don't really want anything to do with me or anyone like me.. And

You shun me, an honest man that you don't understand. You shun a decent man of integrity. You shun an upright man that is on his knees to God all day long; because God is all I have left. You consider me weak..

And you think I would make you my wife...

I have mental problems: You could have asked what was effecting me. Instead you chose to judge. Make it all about you. I could not move or respond because of the PTSD problems, and Dissociative Problems...

Now Im seeing a clearer picture. Im not sure if from the beginning I wasn't being played. I never liked you in the first place. I never felt safe. I never knew why. Now I know why... Satanic Interests, thats your direction.. I pray for your soul.. However, you don't really care do you.

You don't care about changing anything about yourself. You would rather be around people like yourself that you can control.

I think your a dangerous person... You need to stay away from me. Possibly the outside was attracted to you. The inside never allowed it. I saw throw everything..

I think you played me to look good in front of your group to establish status and power politic...

You seem to think we are here to entertain you. Its all about you....

I don't think you wanted to be my wife. I think Im way off on this one. I think I was played at many many levels from the start....
I think you had contempt for me from the start. Now you have full disgust for me, because I am weak. I never responded to you the way you wanted me to; therefore I ruined it for you. You were not in control...

You were not educated enough to understand I had hidden forms of mental illness.

Im just writing this to get over you, that sanity may return to me at some time.. I do not think you have a conscious.

I need my meetings. I will have to forgive myself and you, leave you be, and get on with things, and forget about the past... Move on, and forget about you, that you were ever born... And trust and talk to God..

I will continue to bitch about all of this for a while... Then it will die down...
--------------------------------------

Here is what I know:

With my therapist for the first time in 8 years, in the middle of a PTSD episode, I was switched, I began to speak and tell the therapist where I was. I was never able to do this before. I was never able to open to the outside world when I was deep in the middle of somewhere else..

I began to tell the therapist things, interact. Ive always dumped stuff for an hour. I never interacted. I am starting to interact. One reason Im able to do this: all the outside work, including the chasing of women as above. Ive pushed it really hard; forced interactions.. Like a tank I am, and alliterated I become. Yet, in the end, the walls are forced down. The energy needs to escape.

At some-point I will be able to interact with people at a more personal level, when this happens, the above dysfunctions with people will not be so bad, so permanent.

Its impossible with my mental stability to have relationships. Im closer then I used to be. I need more time with the therapist to break down dissociative walls, that I can communicate with immediacy.

This poor girl from above; I probably gave her a heart attack with all the strange abrupt juxtaposed emotional positioning. Im not shocked that she has given up on me. She tried 50 times to say hello to me as I silenced her out. Im thinking, that is exactly what I would do if I did not know better, I would keep trying to say hi. She's a bright intelligent girl, not college educated. She probably things Im a strange weakling...

Things are starting to change. The house is creaking...

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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