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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1152)
- January 2021
Im being blocked by this damn trauma bond
   Thu Jan 28, 2021 4:36 am
My mother blocked me from loving anyone
   Thu Jan 28, 2021 12:24 am
Breaking point of dissociation
   Tue Jan 26, 2021 7:23 pm
Fear problems with women
   Tue Jan 26, 2021 4:41 pm
Feeling an uneasy fear thats been growing.
   Tue Jan 26, 2021 7:11 am
Several things.
   Mon Jan 25, 2021 10:36 pm
Brothers in arms
   Mon Jan 25, 2021 7:32 pm
The social; or new social begins
   Fri Jan 22, 2021 11:41 pm
I cant be friends with women
   Fri Jan 22, 2021 9:51 am
friendships... Is that what women wanted?
   Fri Jan 22, 2021 1:30 am
Problems with women I guess? My problems ?
   Thu Jan 21, 2021 10:44 pm
Stuff about sex; and not allowing sex
   Thu Jan 21, 2021 8:48 pm
Connecting the 2 halves
   Thu Jan 21, 2021 6:00 am
Now Im starting to get it
   Thu Jan 21, 2021 3:35 am
I could not compete because of my avoidant behavior
   Tue Jan 19, 2021 4:48 am
keep working at it
   Mon Jan 18, 2021 4:17 am
Wake up! Trying to become present
   Sun Jan 17, 2021 7:48 am
Planning life as an AVPD
   Sat Jan 16, 2021 7:24 am
Another break through
   Fri Jan 15, 2021 4:51 am
bulling and apologizing
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 9:17 pm
My work; to get up close in my imagination
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 7:17 am
Get right with God; God is saying
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 1:02 am
The message about the sociopath
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 2:24 pm
Moving forward
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 4:53 am
Beginning to move forward
   Fri Jan 08, 2021 5:11 pm
Im alone again; things are changing.
   Thu Jan 07, 2021 10:17 am

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The truth I think

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Dec 20, 2012 4:52 am

Im getting closer..

Why would I want her. If I show any weakness during the courting process, Im done for. Im thrown out. Even if she comes up to me to say hello a million times, It wont work. She doesn't get it. don't come up to me a million times. Go up to one of my friends and ask them why Im acting the way I am.. and you will get a simple answer,. and the problem is solved. However, You don't want an answer. You are a nice sweet girl, your not educated enough to ask things in an analytical way. You have the intelligence, you do not come from a social background of that procedure.

I thought I would save you from a " Your either strong or a pussy" attitude. Now I know you don't want to be saved. And now I know you don't want me, or anyone like me.. You are a vampire. I am a human. Im starting to get it.. IVe been here before... Your simply interested in biting me. getting blood. You don't even know my name. And you don't care, and you never did...

The feelings I had for you are not real. They are for a fantasy in my head; you helped create that fantasy, you were hoping it would work. It almost did. But it didn't, that is why I stopped talking to you, because God knows you are evil and that is just fine with you. You have no problem with that.

I don't believe you. I don't believe you care about my feelings.. Your another pusher, just like before.
No one exists, the image in my head.. You are just an image. You are not real. The real person is a stranger I do not know.
I have to beware of the vampire. I am so close to them. They can be a few feet away. I have to remember this... ( vampires are bad people that want to take from me because its all about them, Im not seeing real vampires)

You have no respect for weak people like me. People that are honest, and kind, and care about there people and there nation. People that think about the death of children in there country. You cant stand weaklings like me; simple minded that refuse to be manipulated or controlled, or play the fool while you attempt to run things as if your the kingpin princes of the prison cell...

And you have proven to me that you don't really want anything to do with me or anyone like me.. And

You shun me, an honest man that you don't understand. You shun a decent man of integrity. You shun an upright man that is on his knees to God all day long; because God is all I have left. You consider me weak..

And you think I would make you my wife...

I have mental problems: You could have asked what was effecting me. Instead you chose to judge. Make it all about you. I could not move or respond because of the PTSD problems, and Dissociative Problems...

Now Im seeing a clearer picture. Im not sure if from the beginning I wasn't being played. I never liked you in the first place. I never felt safe. I never knew why. Now I know why... Satanic Interests, thats your direction.. I pray for your soul.. However, you don't really care do you.

You don't care about changing anything about yourself. You would rather be around people like yourself that you can control.

I think your a dangerous person... You need to stay away from me. Possibly the outside was attracted to you. The inside never allowed it. I saw throw everything..

I think you played me to look good in front of your group to establish status and power politic...

You seem to think we are here to entertain you. Its all about you....

I don't think you wanted to be my wife. I think Im way off on this one. I think I was played at many many levels from the start....
I think you had contempt for me from the start. Now you have full disgust for me, because I am weak. I never responded to you the way you wanted me to; therefore I ruined it for you. You were not in control...

You were not educated enough to understand I had hidden forms of mental illness.

Im just writing this to get over you, that sanity may return to me at some time.. I do not think you have a conscious.

I need my meetings. I will have to forgive myself and you, leave you be, and get on with things, and forget about the past... Move on, and forget about you, that you were ever born... And trust and talk to God..

I will continue to bitch about all of this for a while... Then it will die down...

Here is what I know:

With my therapist for the first time in 8 years, in the middle of a PTSD episode, I was switched, I began to speak and tell the therapist where I was. I was never able to do this before. I was never able to open to the outside world when I was deep in the middle of somewhere else..

I began to tell the therapist things, interact. Ive always dumped stuff for an hour. I never interacted. I am starting to interact. One reason Im able to do this: all the outside work, including the chasing of women as above. Ive pushed it really hard; forced interactions.. Like a tank I am, and alliterated I become. Yet, in the end, the walls are forced down. The energy needs to escape.

At some-point I will be able to interact with people at a more personal level, when this happens, the above dysfunctions with people will not be so bad, so permanent.

Its impossible with my mental stability to have relationships. Im closer then I used to be. I need more time with the therapist to break down dissociative walls, that I can communicate with immediacy.

This poor girl from above; I probably gave her a heart attack with all the strange abrupt juxtaposed emotional positioning. Im not shocked that she has given up on me. She tried 50 times to say hello to me as I silenced her out. Im thinking, that is exactly what I would do if I did not know better, I would keep trying to say hi. She's a bright intelligent girl, not college educated. She probably things Im a strange weakling...

Things are starting to change. The house is creaking...

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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