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OMNICELL
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Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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The trek back!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Feb 26, 2017 12:32 am

Ive been on this site for awhile; 6 years! Something; 5 years?; I remember when I first Got here!, I would read posts and blogs of regulars that came round! I noticed something about some of them! they were in great pain and anguish and looking for answers! They had friends and people that cared; but they were not involved in the thick of the recovery process they needed! and year after years I would here the insecurity and pain poor out!

Now, as I get over allot of my pain and heal; Im slowly working my way back!

Working my way back;

I started out with a middle class identity! However, it was false! the criminal minded evil people I lived with " set me up"! They set up all the children on a false sense of security; this was done on purpose! each child was fooled into believing they would have a normal life! Each child led on! the father of the house hold would play a role as if a normal working father that would spend time with the children because he loved them! in reality, he was literally playing out a movie fantasy father role for his own kicks! their was no remorse or conscious in this monsters! it was all a thrill game! Nothing new here! one can google plenty of vids with child abusers such has this in documentary format!

My mother owned the house! When my father left! my mother was now free to go! her role as mother was over! she packed her bags, sold the house and left! If I had not attempted to find her through the years! I would have never seen her again! I was being used from the ages of 0to 7-9! I was exploited then thrown away!

When recontacting my mother; she acted like she had never met me or ever knew me!

After years of a torn to pieces life! I now have a real understanding; and a complete understanding of what happened! Ive accepted my evidence; the evidence of my story and situation! and am now really to return to the land of the living! So, the trek heads back to civilization!

Note;- the 12 step system saved my life! No one can interrupt me, no matter what I say, or how I say it! no censorship of my material! I get to speak my own story; no cross talk! and this is the most important long term aspect of my recovery process!

Returning to the land of the living;

So, Ive been preparing to return to the land of the living! This requires that I forgive all people from the past; especially any false friends I met when young, and brothers or sisters that took advantage of me! I have one brother that was a drug addict that stole all the money for years and years and years and years from the family system at every angle! they allowed it; mother, Grandmother! I saw very little of it! I was swindled out of my inheritance by both my brother and mother! I never saw it coming; I was mentally ill! I just wanted to be loved and a home! and my life back; I wanted to feel like I had a home and a life back and I belonged to someone! These monsters had no conscious! they felt nothing! I fell for it! I signed some papers and lost land that was left to me by my Grandmother! and suddenly this brother and mother stopped calling or contacting! Then I realized what had happened! what happened to me! I was swindled like before; nothing had changed! I had been manipulated and used! I didn't see it coming! I was older when this happened! I tried to come back to these false people, not understanding what or who they were! I found out the hard way what they were!

Im now on my way back to becoming myself again; its hard! no stability from the past! its like I never had a past! it was all a lie! where I lived was a lie! the people I knew as a child were a lie! the neighborhood I came from; no such thing! I did not come from this neighborhood! A house was bought in this neighborhood; the occupants would not live their long! I was one of them; I was being dumped! I had no real address, but never knew it! no one cared about my future; I never knew this; they hid this well! and the other children in this family system went through this before I was born; I was in turn! meaning, it was my turn! I never saw it coming! it was like being ambushed by thieves!

So; here I am now, attempting to get over my pain and insecurity; and its happening; Im trying to remember who I am and get back to that place! get past the trauma in my mind and nervous system!

So, the work is to heal up and come back to being a full person in spite of what I went through! this is possible! Im anxious for this to happen! one must see it in their mind first! and I am! Im beginning to see glimpse of the real me the way I used to be when innocent and young! and I want that person back!

Relationships; who do I date! who do I attract, who do I trust! Im a believer in alining with a higher power; God! and God sifts through the world matching me up with others with the same frequencies! And I await such people into my life! however, I have to be out n about to meet them! so, I wait on God! and I have to walk over and introduce myself to them; shake their hands and talk with them a bit! and Im learning all this! the hardest part is leaving it be! let God bring the right people around if they are suppose to be! its attraction not promotion; they see my value and start showing up!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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