April 2024
March 2024
The time before you are interested in women.
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The time before I was interested in women; the developmental level; that time period I was molested groped and raped... and for 2 years harassed sexually and physically bullied or intimidated and completely controlled in every physical way also with fear of physical control. No boundaries where I was at. Horrible. Cant discuss it. So sickening and shocking and humiliating.
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And this was before women; before the time of liking women; this is just at the beginning of having girlfriend and exploring my life; but it turned out to be a situation of torture and I wanted to blow up the world and kill everything in it.
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So; How do I work through this strange numbness and seeing myself removed from my backyard and my home. I wasn't kidnapped from my backyard; but I was suddenly told the house was being sold and I was being sold with it in a sense.
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Im not sure what all this means; but I am. I remember being 8 years old inn my house with a wonderful routine every Saturday or Sunday or Friday; and all that I was interested in exploring in my life.
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I was deveping; and then in fear I stopped development; now; I would like to get in touch with who I really am; learn to defend that person; stand up for that person and then take first steps toward my real objectives.... my life; protected.
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And meet who I am suppose to meet down that journey once I become me again. Im on the outside of that right now....
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So; I was taken from my home and never dealt with it; nothing; and I have to; the real me is in that home and those experiences; I need that real me back; and then once established; I start from their.
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This wont be easy; Ill have to pray about this so I can remember who I am; my memories of young; the important ones that bullies scared out of me so they could control me; and now I have to face that bulling in order to get those memories back.
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I have to keep working with God and let go of some people of the present. I must trust God and move forward away from those of the present; specific people.
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One of the problems is; im trying to grow and develop and they are getting in the way; im scared to be myself; more bulling or intimidation is what it is; they are fools and I dont want them around me; I have to keep working with God to keep growing right now.
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Lost development with women; Im trying to get that Time period back; 4th grade; 5th grade 6 grade... Its those time periods. 6th grade seems to be the time period that is hurting and im lost; and I have no memories; I can feel the pinch and I can see the bullies that bullied me all the time but my mind has shut the whole episode out. I was forced to leave the house I was being neglected in; I was living with my father and he could care less who I was; I was completely thrown away. So I had to move; I had a break down from reality; I had to move in with my mother the psychopath. She then sold the house and I had to move in with her again or something at the ocean; the coast I mean. And that was a horror nightmare and my mind wont open any of that up it was so gruesome. I was all alone and bullied in a new school; raining all the time; horrible. No friends in a complete state of horror and shock and dissociation. I had to hold everything in. Horrible. I was being bullied and dont remember the class rooms or anything; It was like a haunted house. It was not real; I mean; de realization . Horrible. But the bulling was intense on me and so much I cant remember; the fear or stress involved. Thats not why I was going to school to be bullied by people... I was in a state of humiliated shock.
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So; 6th grade is closed to me; so Im asking God to open it back up; I remember being on the rocky cove; over n over n over; praying and looking out at the water and wondering why; why was I their; I had this presumed Idea someone was looking after me but they weren't; meaning; no really mother; altho I was living with her; no one was really looking after me or could care less. I was being thrown away and destroyed. Horrible.
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But the schooling; I remember one class and one other where I would have learned math. But I dont remember; I remember the bully named squirrel who bothered me. it must have been everyday down the same hallway over over n over n over over n over; I cant remember; but I feel the intense pain when revealing that memory; So I know it was over n over. I remember being outside the school in the school yard; a most hideous place; my God it was horrible; always raining.. thats all it did. I remember the school bus and a few names from that time period; but I was so out of it from trauma; from being their; I was thrown away beyond miserable; I was in a state of complete demobilized shock. Serious shock. I flunked out of 6th grade completely; I mean completely from traumatic shock; no functioning; they finally had to send me back to my original town; They had no choice. I could not function. Nothing. I would get home; and do nothing; I could not function; I would not call that home; I dont know what to call it. I was being traumatized to death.
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But in the halls of that school dealing with bullies; being controlled and scared to death over n over n over and being intimidated and controlled over. never n over n over n over. n over.. I dont remember. But I know something horrible happened and I believe it was the high level of stress and trauma from the bullying and being in that remote place; meaning this new school of insanity and no propose. These class rooms. And all the horror and PTSD I had just experienced from the 5th grade and losing my home and town and father and relatives and everything. and future. and no one cared what happened to me; nothing; I was carted off just like someone in the holocaust to a strange place where I could not function because of shock and trauma. And after this; when I went to my home town; I was thrown away again; ostracized by the wealthy families kids I knew... and the others on that side of the neighborhood and the school. And I was sexually abused and controlled and destroyed. And so many other horrible things. No one cared; nothing.
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So; anyway; in the 6th grade; 2 areas or events; the class rooms I dont remember; pure trauma; I could not open up and would not open up to anyone their and be hurt again; I could not function and would never open up again. And the bulling from this one kid named squirrel; over n over n over again. I guess. As I said; Its the combination of these things put me to sleep; My mind will not allow me to remember.
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The problem with women stems from these time periods; no development; im trying to get some development.... Im trying to look back at 4th grade; a completely empty waist of time; nothingness year; nothing; no development. 5th grade; problems with the girls in the school; Im not liked by them; or something. Or its about not liking my mother I think. Im starting to see they are not nice people. Non of them. Something; Im feeling anxious and stress and fear and loathing when I think about them; the stress it puts someone through to deal with them. I only want to deal with the ones I would have as a girlfriend; I dont care about any of the others. I dont even want them around me; nothing.
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Ok; so I may have to go back further; but somewhere in all of this is my mother and some where in all of this is the real me who wants to meet girls when Im young and develop; And I see my mother in the middle of things destroying people. destroying me. My future with everything. horrible nightmare.
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The question working with God is; How to get me back inline so I can meet women again; be independent; and I think im scared and Im think Im shaken by my lack of development in this area. I mean the lack of confidence. The confidence has to become greater something.
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I pray for the courage to be under Gods direction and correction and care. " The universe is bringing only safe women of quality; nothing else". I pray for the courage to be helpful to others. I pray for the courage to help the still suffering person. The universe is protecting me".
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So; as I said; my confidence to believe or be out going around women; I want this back; I want me back; I want to feel safe and confident not fear from PTSD or past bullies; must be something I can do about it; EMDR maybe; more of that. I dont know... Family systems therapy or something.
Ill keep writing about it. I dont feel conferrable around women; I feel like im suppose to be something im not or Im never good enough or Im being compared to other men and I wont have it. I dont want filth like that around me; I wont have it. im a decent and and I only want decent safe women of quality around me and nothing else. If they dont value me I dont want them around me.
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Finding women of value; This is another blog all together because It really refines that Ive had enough of being around the wrong people and im now only looking for the right ones and that will be something I pray about because thats 2/3rds the problem.
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Ive complained about women and about myself; but the real issue is the gap between me and the women of my dreams; my tribe of women that I would be most interested in marrying. A gap resides between where Im at and where the tribe of women that I fit in with... And their it is... And I can feel the trauma; the blunt numb trauma about this whole thing and this takes me back to the 6th grade and that school.... all the trauma and hatred and confusion and stress and guilt and shame and going nowhere and having no friends; I mean; being abused; this form of neglect; human neglect abuse and what it did to me... how it destroyed me.. PTSD.
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