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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- January 2021
I could not compete because of my avoidant behavior
   Tue Jan 19, 2021 4:48 am
keep working at it
   Mon Jan 18, 2021 4:17 am
Wake up! Trying to become present
   Sun Jan 17, 2021 7:48 am
Planning life as an AVPD
   Sat Jan 16, 2021 7:24 am
Another break through
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bulling and apologizing
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 9:17 pm
My work; to get up close in my imagination
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 7:17 am
Get right with God; God is saying
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 1:02 am
The message about the sociopath
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 2:24 pm
Moving forward
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 4:53 am
Beginning to move forward
   Fri Jan 08, 2021 5:11 pm
Im alone again; things are changing.
   Thu Jan 07, 2021 10:17 am

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The suicidal disposable child!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Oct 08, 2017 11:56 pm

I am or was the clinical suicidal disposable child; my mother, or what ever its called; this thing; technically a sadistic psychopath; was the instigator of one side of things; not all, my father; a sociopathic potential serial rapist was the other half! I came from the classic form of this type or style of abuse!
It did not take my therapist long to diagnose me! I had been in the public mental health system for 7 years; when I found a real therapist to help; God led; She diagnosed quit quickly; Full dissociative disorder! Long term PTSD or CPSD or Traumatic developmental disorder; OR what ever its new name is!
My therapist explained that my suicidal problems of " now you see me now you don't" Was from interactions and core rejections from my mother! I wanted to disappear permanently! anyway; I wont go into it here! Its a common thread among children like myself with this condition; I guess Im not the only one! What shocked me is that I was put into this position in the first place; I did not know this was happening to me or this is how things would end up! Im better now! and have a better understanding of things! What bugs me is that a psychopath can simply randomly do this to me because they felt like it! its murder! I was murdered; my past life; completely!
One area of complete horror was the treatment I experiences from the neighborhood people and so called friends or schools! I was turned into a black sheep trouble maker and ostracized by everyone completely; and I mean completely, as if I had never existed or been born! in the school system; I was turned into a trouble maker by the local teacher and principle of the school; I was harassed by them, hacked by them and blamed for any major trouble with kids in recess! or the kids at school; if trouble started with kids in school; if it became major, they dragged me to the principles office and the principle blamed me for it! I remember these teachers; I recognized some of them as abusers; I could see it in them and they knew I could se through them! The principle was plainly worthless filth! Just another upper middle class scum!
The neighborhood children never talked to me again! I found out very quickly; I was not one of them; I did not come from a privileged background! They made this apparent! I was never talked to again, regardless of how long I might have known them! and in closer cases; best friends; I was thrown away! I found out later, I had been used by their parents to keep their precious children company in order to socialize them when young; when the children got older, I was promptly asked to leave in very indirect but direct ways! I was exploited; not needed anymore, and I could leave their house now and never return! I was not needed anymore! I was never wanted accept to fill a purpose! Looking back, I remember the hints from their young children; their parents never wanted me around in the first place; I just brushed it off; the rumors or comments; it mattered not to me! But they seemed to have known what I was coming from; a family of people that didnt want me! but I didnt know!
I've found that my story cannot be told to most of the general world or population; possibly to those in a poor country! But in my country its impossible; the people are pigeonholed into believing in middle class style lives or values! This means those who are looking for careers and negative are from movies not reality!
THe general public is to immature for people like myself! or they were! Im older; so, Im not sure what all of this culture type is called these days! In my day; you had a middle class, upper middle class, lower middle class, working class! Things are different now! so, Im not sure! yet, the point is; during my time I was thrown away not only by the people I was born into but also, the entire community I came from! I was accidentally on the edge of an upper middle class neighborhood! My mother needed a house or wanted one where she could walk to work, not drive! The only house or neighborhood close by to her work was an upper middle class neighborhood! She found a house on the edge of this neighborhood, not in it! So, I was mingled with all sorts of middle and upper middle class school children; I assumed when very young, that I was one of them! I was not; I was not from their neighborhood! I lived next door to it! However, I was neglected as a child; a latchkey kid and no one told me was not part of the rich neighborhood! I never knew until signs begin to show up in the third grade that I was not one of these kids; These kids had special treatment by their parents to be become someone when they grow up! I wanted the same thing but no one was paying any kind of attention to any part of my existence! I was being exploited at home; but did not know it! I would find out soon enough as I got a bit older and was able to sense danger!
Im very lucky! Im not one of these adult for ever broken people that are alive but murderously in mental anguish forever! Ive been their; full dissociative disorder! but Ive work brutally hard and am coming through all of this; Im not the same person I used to be! Im slowly coming back to becoming a functioning person in society again that doesn't really hate anything! Im coming back to a person I was as a small child before I understood what was happening to me! Im coming back to normal is what Im saying! healthy!
A world of lies! As a disposable child; it was a world of lies at every level of human fabric! everything was a front or false or a lie! everything I thought was happening ion a good sense was a show but on by the sociopaths to fool the people in the town they lived in! nothing was as it seemed! They were complete fakes! forgers; Im looking for the right name!
I have allot of work to do! Im not through this yet! The time period I was abandon, or it started; 5th grade! when I was finally completely abandon I was simply told the house I was living in would be sold! and that was all that was told me! meaning, that was the way I was told that I was being given away or gotten rid of! its cold and sinister and I was not prepared for any of it; or a life that was turning out like this; I was being murdered in front of myself and I was powerless to do anything about my life being snuffed out or given away! Now I know what really happened; i was being given away from the day I was born but didnt know it; i was 2 young! but the time I understood the kinds of monsters I was living with; it was 2 late! About the time I realized what was really going on; i was given away!
What does " given away" mean! anyone on this site that has gone through real serious abuse of different kinds knows what this means! Im marginalized and thrown away! my life has no value or my death! its an act of killing a child or a child person! its impersonal! I was used and now gotten rid of! and thats that!
Im lucky, never in my wildest dreams would I think I would come this far, or come back from this! I was destroyed and a goner! nowhere would I have thought I could be restored and I am getting restored back into a normal life; just like the normal boring people in society that had never gone through anything other then what they've watched on TV!
Im lucky to be alive! I worked for years and years and years and its payed off! I know many that have killed themselves because of this condition; not just dissociative disorder, but to be thrown away as a disposable child!
Never in my wildest dreams or nightmares did I have any clue this is what was going on in my young life or this is what my future adult life would look like! In reality, I would have been dead from suicide in my early life! adolescence!
My back ground puts me into a special type of culture with special people that have gone through bad horrible things and are still alive to tell about it! I do not fit in with anyone in society or this society; the country I live in! I do not fit into anything from this society, schools, neighborhoods, churches or religious centers! nothing! I see society the way destroyed people see society! its a dangerous place to live but I have no choice but to live in it!
My relationship with God is a real hands on relationship! God helps me survive because God owes me!
Im now attempting to work through those moments I was thrown away; the actual time period and the abrupt rupturing feelings I felt and dealt with when thrown away!
I have an extreme horrible time getting close to anyone; I still have dissociative disorder, and I clam down around others! I cant get close to them; this has completely destroyed any love life or sex life! its slowly getting better; but I've put massive amounts of work into it! Ill keep working on it so I can get close to those I can interact with and have relationships with! Im working on it!
Im still hurt; I keep writing these blogs to allow the dissociative part of me to have a voice! and what a nice place this is that I can vent the way Ive needed to! psych forums has helped out a great deal in recovery process!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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