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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/the_strange_world_of_getting_better_did_b-12950_sid-2cb6c6ce38e8e67312a93f360cd5a1b3.html |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Sun Jul 21, 2019 4:36 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | the strange world of getting better did |
I wrote a blog on this but deleted it. Ill try to explain whats really going on here. . When young; I watched TV shows; I receded into TV show because I was rejected by my mother from the beginning; and a specific kind of loss or sadness or grieving occurs when a child looses a parent through rejection; they go into a dream world and do not care about the basic things of being alive anymore; My mind went into fantasy or the future. I watched science fiction movies and Godzilla movies and Elvis Presley movies and other shows... It was all I had left; I had 2 brothers in the house; but I was not close to them; they are not my friends today; they are more my enemies. They do not know me... . No development in the school system; starting in first grade; nothing; second grade, nothing, third grade; I learn how to write. after this nothing; 4th grade is the beginning of the end concerning school; it is complete neglect at this point; the rest will be a horrible nightmare of bulling and being thrown away from having a family; Ill be turned into a foster child and disposed of. A horrible traumatic genocide of a child's life; the killing of a child. . I finished high school; but I was in a state of trauma the whole time and learned nothing. I almost didn't make it through high school; it had been so neglected; I was not aware of this until the last year of high school... I learned nothing; and did not trust or respect the school systems and wanted nothing to do with their corrupt nature. . When very very young; I had nothing; I receded into the television dream world; and playing outside in the dirt or in the back yard or listening to records. Even at my friends house; more n more it was about just showing up around people and hiding in the corner and I was suffering from derealization ; I would sit their in the corner of the dinning room in his house; just to be around people; they were strangers at this point; but they were people; I was already suffering from derealisation. A glass wall existed between me and the rest of the world and it was growing; I was in the 4th grade I think. It actually started in the 2nd grade... So; I made these people into my family, in my mind. I was a stranger in their house; a visiter; but I made them my family in my mind and the friend I had; I made him into my best friend in my mind. This fantasy was all I had... . I loved going on vacation in the summer to loon lake; I would draw and look at comic books and play on the beach and wonder around; I would meet other kids my own age and do things with them; I was learning how to reach out to them; I was 6. Now I look back at this with concern; why was a 5 or 6 year old reaching out so assertively to other kids; it was like I was a grown up.... . . I never got past 6 years old I think. I got worse. By the time I was 10; I had a whole world created with a past history on Television. I had no real world I could participate in. my world was about the future... living in the future. . lately, I watched a vid on those who have died in 2017; I realized how much they meant to me; any of them; and stars who had died who were popular in the 30's and 40's and 50's, 60's, 70s'. As if they had real meaning to me; I stopped and looked at this; those stars were like having a family; I morned for them and remembered in heart break the history of watching them on TV. And I stopped and thought; wait; this interest in them; this interest only occurred because I did not have a family of my own in the real world; I was morning TV stars and movie stars that had died; and remembered their Tv shows as if that was real life; it was not real life; it was nothing but a tv show that came on for a half hour during the evening every week. But I had no real life; nothing. I had created a life on tv and history of watching tv.... I had nothing outside this; life was a giant dissociation.... people and family a giant dissociation; and anything I was not getting at the time a giant dissociation ...... . The strangest feeling Im going through right now; Im starting to watch many TV shows I watched when I had receded into a dream world when young. Im doing this on Gods orders; Im binging back the original identity. And I realized; all the memories and feelings I had when watching those shows; it was like brain washing; thats all I did was watch these Tv shows as if they were real life;; it was all I had. And I realized I was living through these Tv shows. However, the extend to which I was living through these Tv shows was complete. Its all I had; I as brain washed. . I watched some shows from 1965 to 1970; And that was my life; I would watch shows and then maybe go somewhere with my father who would plan a trip somewhere. Meaning; I would watch Tv shows in place of a family; and then the family members would show a few times; much like a tv show is suppose to show up a few times for entertainment. The tv shows were the family. . ITs strange to look back at this; this strange disconnect from the world into fantasy. First; looking back; I had no outside life. Nothing. It was just as much a dream world as the Tv shows. nothing was real. I had no family; and to cope with having no real family; I was forced into a world of the imagination of what things will be in the future. All things I did and saw and watch were indications of what good things were going to happen to me in the future or could happen. Schooling was non existent. I felt a sense to trauma being in school; it was something I had to do. but I learned nothing. . I was in the wrong schools. I needed schools for bright kids that wanted to take an interest in school. Possibly in a different home environment I could have found that in the regular schools. I was completely neglected when it came to school. no one cared. I was always in remedial classes of some kind; because Of trauma or neglect; nothing to do with my intelligence. . So; Im in this dream world; and really have no connection to people; Im off playing by my self; but everything is by its self. . The only friend I had or girl I liked; I end in s half dissociated dilution; the people I wanted as friends were playing or fulfilling an emptiness of not having family; I cared not who they were; but their imagined position in my life meant everything. . The girl who lived up the street that I liked; I liked her the first few days; and then turned her into a family system; her and her family; much like I had done to the guy that was my friend in first grade.. so; the girl after while didnt understand why I wasnt making a pass at her; the reason was; it would have broken my fantasy; this fantasy kept me at 8 years old for ever.... And I couldn't break it if I wanted to. So; she was being used. I used her to get a family out of the deal. I saw no value in her. nothing. In fact; I was in fear most of the time and she was a good host for my emotions; At some point her family wondered what I was doing up at her house; why was I hanging around; I didnt want to be her boyfriend; so; why was I their; they made fun of me because they thought I was acting like an 8 year old; I finally left heart broken. Only if she would have tried to go deeper and understand I would have stayed with her; but I learned a lesson; I didn't really care all that much; it was a means to an end and nothing more.... I would have a new family ; a new host to survive with; but it was the 7 year old in me that needed the new host to survive. If they were not going to be my family then; I wanted nothing to do with them. . All my dreams and fantasies and implied experiences are actually thoughts that occurred to me while watching Tv shows. Nothing was real... . Looking back at my early life; I would have told you how cool it was because of a few friends I played war with at their house and the cool tv show experiences I had. Other then that. their were no other experiences. . . . As I wake up into my old or original personality identity; I realize something; I have no recollection of any experiences out side of my imagination or TV shows. nothing; no real friends; no girlfriends; No real understanding of what people thought of me; was it a friendly world or was I not liked; Looking back; I was not liked by people or kids in the school I came from; girls did not like me. People did not like me or understand me; I have evidence of this when I attempted to get close to people. . I had a best friend; but he turns out to be someone who was using me and so that situation is cancelled out; Im being used. When I hang out at his house; its for emotional survival reasons; At first; this was not the case; soon; tho; it becomes the only reason Im their. . . . . What is the point of all this. Ive never been outside. I've not really ever made it outside; Ive never had a girlfriend or a real friend. not really. Nothing. And when attempted it; it was later when I was completely mentally ill; and that doesn't count. in fact; at no time in my life outside does it count. . . When I look at it; I've been in front of a tv or screen all my life and thats the only place Ive been because it was all I had left; the only place I could recede into.. . Ive spent 23 years of my life at 12 step groups and new no one. Generally I was in full dissociative disorder; so that was a different personality; and I was trying to survive that condition. . . . . Im now coming back into my original personality; and Im remembering what that personality did and felt when I was young; and its all based on Tv shows and how the characters of Tv shows would indicate what my future families and life would look like; but nothing was ever in the real world; my life. . . Ive never made it out in the real world.... The real world to me was as a little kid where I was being taken care of; someone else supplied the cabin and the vacation lake; I would be fed and housed; and then I could wonder around; read my mad book; when a kid in the 60's; read my comic books. And go to the beach and wonder around. . Im not sure I ever got any further in life; ever. I was never accepted by anyone. . Ive never met a girl that liked me; not one that wasn't trying to manipulate something out of me or was lonely and wanted a baby...... but didn't really want me; well; thats not true. Lately I know of a few maybe. But their not with me. . so; Ive never met someone I wanted to date ever. I did like a girl when I was 14; but she was lonely; and when she realized other guys liked her; I was dropped like I was a fool; she said I meant nothing to her. I don't understand that kind of corrupt thinking or feeling; it makes no sense to me... and I would not date someone that said I meant nothing to her; I would run from someone like that. Nor would I want to get involved with someone that thought that way before I met them; and not knowing after I was dating them that they could turn on me just as easily and say something like that. I would not want someone like that around me. . . I never made it outside. ever! no life outside; nothing...... . Now that Im becoming the original me again; things are going to change. How I feel outside is going to change.... But I have no idea of how to integrate outside. Im not sure..... In fact; saying Im not sure is an understatement.. . Im going to write allot of on this subject; this condition of being in this dream world; its like being autistic; but Im not autistic..... but it seems like it... . It seems like a form of autism. . The interesting thing is; Ive had no successful connections ever in the outside world. nothing. I had dreams of things; but when attempted in the outside world; I was destroyed very quickly. I could have built connections once; when very young; but the house and neighborhood were pulled out from under me; I was destroyed; and that whole experience of a young life died. I become another personality. . Nothing I thought in my head was applicable to the outside world. It did not fit in reality. Nothing works for me outside the TV screen or my imagination; for this is the only reality I know and only reality I can work in.... but I cant work in it either for it is not real. . As a child I could get away with receding into non reality; but later in childhood I would be destroyed because of it and in adult hood it brought on poverty and homelessness and death. And I could not sustain any relationships; I was out of alignment. . The biggest question I would have; where does a guy like me work? A guy that looked at mad books; and comics and did art work at a kid and roamed around the sandy shore and collected bottles for money at the summer lake. I never got further then this. never. in fact I was allayed receding from reality at this point and grabbing anything I could hang on to. emotionally hanging on to anything emotionally; the type of thing I was suppose to get from a family. |
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