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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- January 2021
I could not compete because of my avoidant behavior
   Tue Jan 19, 2021 4:48 am
keep working at it
   Mon Jan 18, 2021 4:17 am
Wake up! Trying to become present
   Sun Jan 17, 2021 7:48 am
Planning life as an AVPD
   Sat Jan 16, 2021 7:24 am
Another break through
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bulling and apologizing
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 9:17 pm
My work; to get up close in my imagination
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 7:17 am
Get right with God; God is saying
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 1:02 am
The message about the sociopath
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 2:24 pm
Moving forward
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 4:53 am
Beginning to move forward
   Fri Jan 08, 2021 5:11 pm
Im alone again; things are changing.
   Thu Jan 07, 2021 10:17 am

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the strange world of getting better did

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jul 21, 2019 4:36 pm

I wrote a blog on this but deleted it. Ill try to explain whats really going on here.
When young; I watched TV shows; I receded into TV show because I was rejected by my mother from the beginning; and a specific kind of loss or sadness or grieving occurs when a child looses a parent through rejection; they go into a dream world and do not care about the basic things of being alive anymore; My mind went into fantasy or the future. I watched science fiction movies and Godzilla movies and Elvis Presley movies and other shows... It was all I had left; I had 2 brothers in the house; but I was not close to them; they are not my friends today; they are more my enemies. They do not know me...
No development in the school system; starting in first grade; nothing; second grade, nothing, third grade; I learn how to write. after this nothing; 4th grade is the beginning of the end concerning school; it is complete neglect at this point; the rest will be a horrible nightmare of bulling and being thrown away from having a family; Ill be turned into a foster child and disposed of. A horrible traumatic genocide of a child's life; the killing of a child.
I finished high school; but I was in a state of trauma the whole time and learned nothing. I almost didn't make it through high school; it had been so neglected; I was not aware of this until the last year of high school... I learned nothing; and did not trust or respect the school systems and wanted nothing to do with their corrupt nature.
When very very young;
I had nothing; I receded into the television dream world; and playing outside in the dirt or in the back yard or listening to records. Even at my friends house; more n more it was about just showing up around people and hiding in the corner and I was suffering from derealization ; I would sit their in the corner of the dinning room in his house; just to be around people; they were strangers at this point; but they were people; I was already suffering from derealisation. A glass wall existed between me and the rest of the world and it was growing; I was in the 4th grade I think. It actually started in the 2nd grade... So; I made these people into my family, in my mind. I was a stranger in their house; a visiter; but I made them my family in my mind and the friend I had; I made him into my best friend in my mind. This fantasy was all I had...
I loved going on vacation in the summer to loon lake; I would draw and look at comic books and play on the beach and wonder around; I would meet other kids my own age and do things with them; I was learning how to reach out to them; I was 6. Now I look back at this with concern; why was a 5 or 6 year old reaching out so assertively to other kids; it was like I was a grown up....
I never got past 6 years old I think. I got worse. By the time I was 10; I had a whole world created with a past history on Television. I had no real world I could participate in. my world was about the future... living in the future.
lately, I watched a vid on those who have died in 2017; I realized how much they meant to me; any of them; and stars who had died who were popular in the 30's and 40's and 50's, 60's, 70s'. As if they had real meaning to me; I stopped and looked at this; those stars were like having a family; I morned for them and remembered in heart break the history of watching them on TV. And I stopped and thought; wait; this interest in them; this interest only occurred because I did not have a family of my own in the real world; I was morning TV stars and movie stars that had died; and remembered their Tv shows as if that was real life; it was not real life; it was nothing but a tv show that came on for a half hour during the evening every week. But I had no real life; nothing. I had created a life on tv and history of watching tv.... I had nothing outside this; life was a giant dissociation.... people and family a giant dissociation; and anything I was not getting at the time a giant dissociation ......
The strangest feeling Im going through right now; Im starting to watch many TV shows I watched when I
had receded into a dream world when young. Im doing this on Gods orders; Im binging back the original identity.

And I realized; all the memories and feelings I had when watching those shows; it was like brain washing; thats all I did was watch these Tv shows as if they were real life;; it was all I had. And I realized I was living through these Tv shows. However, the extend to which I was living through these Tv shows was complete. Its all I had; I as brain washed.
I watched some shows from 1965 to 1970; And that was my life; I would watch shows and then maybe go somewhere with my father who would plan a trip somewhere. Meaning; I would watch Tv shows in place of a family; and then the family members would show a few times; much like a tv show is suppose to show up a few times for entertainment. The tv shows were the family.
ITs strange to look back at this; this strange disconnect from the world into fantasy. First; looking back; I had no outside life. Nothing. It was just as much a dream world as the Tv shows. nothing was real. I had no family; and to cope with having no real family; I was forced into a world of the imagination of what things will be in the future. All things I did and saw and watch were indications of what good things were going to happen to me in the future or could happen. Schooling was non existent. I felt a sense to trauma being in school; it was something I had to do. but I learned nothing.
I was in the wrong schools. I needed schools for bright kids that wanted to take an interest in school. Possibly in a different home environment I could have found that in the regular schools. I was completely neglected when it came to school. no one cared. I was always in remedial classes of some kind; because Of trauma or neglect; nothing to do with my intelligence.
So; Im in this dream world; and really have no connection to people; Im off playing by my self; but everything is by its self.
The only friend I had or girl I liked; I end in s half dissociated dilution; the people I wanted as friends were playing or fulfilling an emptiness of not having family; I cared not who they were; but their imagined position in my life meant everything.
The girl who lived up the street that I liked; I liked her the first few days; and then turned her into a family system; her and her family; much like I had done to the guy that was my friend in first grade.. so; the girl after while didnt understand why I wasnt making a pass at her; the reason was; it would have broken my fantasy; this fantasy kept me at 8 years old for ever.... And I couldn't break it if I wanted to. So; she was being used. I used her to get a family out of the deal. I saw no value in her. nothing. In fact; I was in fear most of the time and she was a good host for my emotions; At some point her family wondered what I was doing up at her house; why was I hanging around; I didnt want to be her boyfriend; so; why was I their; they made fun of me because they thought I was acting like an 8 year old; I finally left heart broken. Only if she would have tried to go deeper and understand I would have stayed with her; but I learned a lesson; I didn't really care all that much; it was a means to an end and nothing more.... I would have a new family ; a new host to survive with; but it was the 7 year old in me that needed the new host to survive. If they were not going to be my family then; I wanted nothing to do with them.

All my dreams and fantasies and implied experiences are actually thoughts that occurred to me while watching Tv shows. Nothing was real...
Looking back at my early life; I would have told you how cool it was because of a few friends I played war with at their house and the cool tv show experiences I had. Other then that. their were no other experiences.
As I wake up into my old or original personality identity; I realize something; I have no recollection of any experiences out side of my imagination or TV shows. nothing; no real friends; no girlfriends; No real understanding of what people thought of me; was it a friendly world or was I not liked; Looking back; I was not liked by people or kids in the school I came from; girls did not like me. People did not like me or understand me; I have evidence of this when I attempted to get close to people.
I had a best friend; but he turns out to be someone who was using me and so that situation is cancelled out; Im being used. When I hang out at his house; its for emotional survival reasons; At first; this was not the case; soon; tho; it becomes the only reason Im their.
What is the point of all this.
Ive never been outside. I've not really ever made it outside; Ive never had a girlfriend or a real friend. not really. Nothing. And when attempted it; it was later when I was completely mentally ill; and that doesn't count. in fact; at no time in my life outside does it count.

When I look at it; I've been in front of a tv or screen all my life and thats the only place Ive been because it was all I had left; the only place I could recede into..
Ive spent 23 years of my life at 12 step groups and new no one. Generally I was in full dissociative disorder; so that was a different personality; and I was trying to survive that condition.
Im now coming back into my original personality; and Im remembering what that personality did and felt when I was young; and its all based on Tv shows and how the characters of Tv shows would indicate what my future families and life would look like; but nothing was ever in the real world; my life.
Ive never made it out in the real world.... The real world to me was as a little kid where I was being taken care of; someone else supplied the cabin and the vacation lake; I would be fed and housed; and then I could wonder around; read my mad book; when a kid in the 60's; read my comic books. And go to the beach and wonder around.
Im not sure I ever got any further in life; ever. I was never accepted by anyone.
Ive never met a girl that liked me; not one that wasn't trying to manipulate something out of me or was lonely and wanted a baby...... but didn't really want me; well; thats not true. Lately I know of a few maybe. But their not with me.
so; Ive never met someone I wanted to date ever. I did like a girl when I was 14; but she was lonely; and when she realized other guys liked her; I was dropped like I was a fool; she said I meant nothing to her. I don't understand that kind of corrupt thinking or feeling; it makes no sense to me... and I would not date someone that said I meant nothing to her; I would run from someone like that. Nor would I want to get involved with someone that thought that way before I met them; and not knowing after I was dating them that they could turn on me just as easily and say something like that. I would not want someone like that around me.
I never made it outside. ever! no life outside; nothing......
Now that Im becoming the original me again; things are going to change. How I feel outside is going to change.... But I have no idea of how to integrate outside. Im not sure..... In fact; saying Im not sure is an understatement..
Im going to write allot of on this subject; this condition of being in this dream world; its like being autistic; but Im not autistic..... but it seems like it...
It seems like a form of autism.
The interesting thing is; Ive had no successful connections ever in the outside world. nothing. I had dreams of things; but when attempted in the outside world; I was destroyed very quickly. I could have built connections once; when very young; but the house and neighborhood were pulled out from under me; I was destroyed; and that whole experience of a young life died. I become another personality.
Nothing I thought in my head was applicable to the outside world. It did not fit in reality.

Nothing works for me outside the TV screen or my imagination; for this is the only reality I know and only reality I can work in.... but I cant work in it either for it is not real.

As a child I could get away with receding into non reality; but later in childhood I would be destroyed because of it and in adult hood it brought on poverty and homelessness and death. And I could not sustain any relationships; I was out of alignment.
The biggest question I would have; where does a guy like me work? A guy that looked at mad books; and comics and did art work at a kid and roamed around the sandy shore and collected bottles for money at the summer lake. I never got further then this. never. in fact I was allayed receding from reality at this point and grabbing anything I could hang on to. emotionally hanging on to anything emotionally; the type of thing I was suppose to get from a family.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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