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OMNICELL
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- September 2019
One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
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   Thu Sep 12, 2019 6:22 am
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   Tue Sep 03, 2019 4:33 am

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The story continues

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Aug 03, 2015 11:04 pm

Dealing with all things associated with the time period, and those things around the time period of being broken!

First comes to mind; best friend! His house, his family, a huge part of my life at the time! He lived down the block! I thought I was part of the family! Not so! Sinister in nature, these upper classmun did not like me; they thought from the beginning I was worthless or beneath them! Like a black boy that does not know he is black yet; I was treated the same! I had no idea I had a stigma with these white colonialists! I am white; Im not suggesting this is race oriented; however, it's the same animal, just a different color! I was hated with bigotry or prejudice; I did not know! I had walked into the situation open and innocent! I thought my friend was a nice person when I met him; I was in the first grade! He was not my friend in the end; nor was his family! They were opportunists with no loyalty to anyone! Money was their God, and hiding behind the Jesus Cross was their alibi! They had no Jesus in them or God! They were full of themselves and nothing else! I had to live with them once; I became 10 times worse in my problems! I was shocked! It was all judgement! To me, they were no better then murder's! They were not my friends because they had no character for such things! I was superior for that reason! As God is superior to worthless trash scum like this!

The goal is to see these people for who they really were; work through everything about them, and forget them, and move on; not easy, this was from age 5 onward! I was just a boy! I spent years around these people! I did not know I was not an equal! I had no idea anyone was counting character marks on a daily basis or keeping score; thats a sign of pure hatred! Not sure I under stand! I was 6 years old! Possibly, they were talking behind my back the whole time; and I was to young to understand such things!

Later when I was being abused and thrown away; they pulled the; " we don't know you" routine! Anyway you slice it; they want to be on top and be beneath; thats all that mattered, they end up superior! But thats not nice! He was my best friend; what is the need to be superior! I found later, it did not matter! They were not superior! They were simply evil and I was not! That was the problem; and it usually is!

I am not evil! I was destroyed mentally; the rapist is evil; not the end condition or dysfunction of the raped!
However, I live in a society that takes the rapists side of thing! " long live the rapist, down with the raped! If they get up; rape them again, " We don't care how old they are"! " long live old money"!

The upper sentences represent the truth of how these colonialists act! They are no friends of anyone!

Im scared, hurt, shocked and freaked that I was ever at their home! I can see myself in their basement watching TV with my friend ( at some point as I get healthier, I stop calling him my friend; he was no friend of mine)! Yet, now I know, he was no friend! And I had no business being their! I did not know this! And this hurts a great deal, as it suggests I was not good enough to be in his presence or his family! But I did not know this! I was attempting to reach out innocently to the community to survive! I never looked at it from a judgment point of view!

If I am a friendly person and give my friendship to you and you use me! And use it; you are not of the same quality of person; regardless of your status in the community! You have no status with the type of people I associate with!

Lots of work needs to be done with these memories! They are hooked into the house I lived in at the time; from going to n fro: my house to his house! Going back n forth as if everything was right, safe accepted! It was not; I was hated and not accepted! That is realistic, but I did not know!

Later, my mother would call his mother and tell her I was a worthless trouble maker! In actuality I was a decent human being and she was no more then a psychopath! But I did not understand these things at the time!

My life would be forfeited! And this whole experience on this street destroyed! She ( mother)would simply sell the house from underneath her children and leave! The father involved will leave first, he ends up no better then a rapist!

Two psychopaths buy a nice house on a nice street and play out a fantasy for a few years for themselves; then simply pack up and leave! The children destroyed! Completely displaced human beings: the children will be presently destroyed and disfigured for life!

Up to this point, I would be at the ice shaley, I would go skiing! I was involved in school! I hated the teachers, they were worthless! I would end up getting hacked by them and used by them later, when I had no family to protect me! I learned a great deal about how the white system worked at that point! If you had money and a father to protect you, you were fine! If you were poor, you were allocated into a position of trouble maker! And used! And hated and abused! Not cared about!

There is a me developed long before my mother destroyed everything! Or should I say " this sociopath"!

I had a life, then it was taken from me! The feelings involved are torture! My whole way of life was ruined and I was ruined and had to bottle up the fear and terror of the whole thing! All PTSD!

This experience was like living in a haunted house with real murderers and abusers and rapists and you cant leave, and you belong to know one and you if you do leave, you leave to the streets; you have no one! you will go insane; thats what happened to me! And all from the area contributed to it!

My final goal with all of this; leave this area, go somewhere else far far away and never return!

My Goal is to keep unlocking these memories until the real me is present and I can deal with all of it and get the real me back! This is not fun! I cant describe the horrible nature of all of this and to walk back into it and re experience it! I cant describe it! I was all alone!

They let a child go through this all alone! I cant feel hate; its beyond hate into fear and terror and torched! Underneath this is rage! A deep kill rage level; war rage!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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