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OMNICELL
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The sociopathic tendency

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Mar 16, 2014 4:46 pm

I remember; I can't forget, its in my mind completely; When I wanted to live in the other city with one of my original family members... Although it was no family! and I didn't know this. I was alone and I never really knew this. I found out the hard way!

When I ended up in this bigger city! I was all alone! On the outside everything looked good. On the inside, all was horrific ( this family system). I was in a classic abusive situation. This is about power by that specific family member to destroy everything from the past family they were in. They skipped out on that previous family system, and headed quickly to another one; They made sure they were protected... I had no idea what I was walking into. I was innocent and thought I was wanted. Why would I not. These were brutal people. Sociopaths at its best. Ruthless in nature. On the outside everything looked better then good. No human qualities. Nothing! I was destroyed soon enough.

I did not know what was going on! Or why! I was destroyed, and did not know what to do or where to go! I was destroyed! Now what! I did not know what to do! At this point Im more PTSD based then before, and my mind is going out on me! I have been destroyed by criminals. Now what.

I ended up going through many more horrors. Thrown away, I wondered from house to house, place to place. I was destroyed and had no one; nothing! City to city!

I finally went completely insane... I had full dissociative disorder... I never had ( at the time) a way or place to know what was wrong. All I could do was wonder and get worse.

I developed into the equivalent of the bullies that destroyed me or scared me through violence and intimidation!

I have that monster in me! The waring personality traits of the sociopath! and this causes problems! especially dealing with people!

Im learning to let some of it go as my symptoms go down. Its very hard. I get close to people; I become PTSD based 200%!

The idea is remember! try to remember what I was like as a child! The goal is to work through the PTSD problems regardless of the outcome and loss of relationships from my past. It means, getting strong enough through support, to face the past and work through it. Or, not face it and work through it! come out on the other side as myself; alone. The alone part is what they took from me. They took the support. IF can get to a place of understanding; these were sociopaths that play this kind of game with people and never return; its not personal.

Most of my work on the past is; it wasn't personal! They never really knew me, they were out to destroy anything and anyone in there path! It wasn't personal, they never saw me or knew me! its Ok to sneak away and start over! and this scares the sh@t out of me!

I will be making my own decisions? with out permission from my past!

I was victimized by a bunch of criminals and now Ive turned into the criminal. The idea is to turn back into the original human being and not be a criminal!

How do I turn back into a criminal none criminal! I have to love it so! I have to let go of the power identification of criminal! Criminal means free! Thats part of the brain washing problem Ive boughten into. I have to buy myself out of this terror. Im not a real criminal; I have a nervous system set up as one.

Im like a sociopath in recovery! I have the same hardened nervous system. I have bought into the tough thing. Im tough.. this is the sociopathic conditioning.. the problem; real people would be horrified to be " tough" they would want nothing to do with it! they would gag at the idea of giving up their traditional upper life to become the equivalent of a gang member! The sociopath does not care regardless. And I have become this; now what!. I was pushed to far over the edge!

People like myself can't fight back; to sick! I would end up causing to much damage. Now what do I do!

I have been working on my recovery to find out what to do! I have made progress. I have a life time of progress to keep working on this stuff.

The original me was snuffed out! I can see the original me. I am displaced from the original me! I see the original me but cannot get at it, I am to scared, the outside environment is not set up for it, for me to cross that bridge back into self again. Im attempting to secure the ground in front of me that I make that journey outside of myself! Others will not help! they have contempt and little else.

I have to learn to work through them ( contempt filled people)! by pass them.. They scare me and I don't want to admit it! I have contempt for them! I think Im better then they, better then everyone, and I don't have the guts to show it! Im afraid of what they will do or think. I see them as weak and want to attack them as scum bags.

I have allot of work to do if Im going to get self back! And live once more. It is brutal hard long work! slow work, one inch at a time!

Its hard to get the core to trust or not be scared or feel scared! I have no control of whats going on outside of me! I have been ran over by scum bags and I like it. Now I have joined them out of fear of having no place to go!

I would like to go other places but I would be completely alone! and I don't want that, I would kill myself! and no one cares either way. I would care I guess.

I guess Im trying to survive. But that is a cowards way out! I would rather fight! But that won't work, and thats a cowards way out! The only way is forward, and this is strait into PTSD worlds! and Im caught and can't move or fight back! So its on my knees to God!

I have to learn to trust God! I have no place left to hide! I don't know anyone like me! Im a mix of several different social cultures!

Im trying to get back to being myself! the one I was humiliated out of! scared out of. Bullied out of. And I gave in! and I more then hate myself for it. I haven't forgiven myself for it. Ive become hardened, now Im the bully hardened victim.

There are plenty of scum bags in this society that works for the society and have responsible positions in this society that make them look white as a sheet with Gold. All criminals.

I am damaged goods and I have to keep working to bring the truth to light!

ITs about practice and not giving in!

I liked myself at one time in early life. I would like to like myself again! I was violated and never got over it! Im attempting to get over it and like myself again! Its a hardcore journey! I have to let go and let God!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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