Our partner

User avatar
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1109)
- November 2020
emotions starting to bleed out; This is good
   Thu Nov 26, 2020 7:11 pm
Anxiety and dealing with the opposite sex
   Wed Nov 25, 2020 7:52 am
The work is over my head; but thats OK
   Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:35 am
Wont let the people I love into my life...
   Tue Nov 17, 2020 5:45 am
Social and feeling worthy
   Mon Nov 16, 2020 4:21 pm
Loving myself for real
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 5:15 pm
Moving onward
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 1:29 pm
And her vision keeps getting closer
   Wed Nov 11, 2020 11:19 am
On moving on and creating a new life
   Sun Nov 08, 2020 9:53 pm
Breaking the dating barrier
   Sat Nov 07, 2020 6:22 pm
Back to the drawing board with women
   Thu Nov 05, 2020 2:53 am
Changes are occurring; still isolated and lonely
   Tue Nov 03, 2020 6:13 am

+ October 2020
+ September 2020
+ August 2020
+ July 2020
+ June 2020
+ May 2020
+ April 2020
+ March 2020
+ February 2020
+ January 2020
+ December 2019
+ November 2019
+ October 2019
+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

The sociopathic tendency

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Mar 16, 2014 4:46 pm

I remember; I can't forget, its in my mind completely; When I wanted to live in the other city with one of my original family members... Although it was no family! and I didn't know this. I was alone and I never really knew this. I found out the hard way!

When I ended up in this bigger city! I was all alone! On the outside everything looked good. On the inside, all was horrific ( this family system). I was in a classic abusive situation. This is about power by that specific family member to destroy everything from the past family they were in. They skipped out on that previous family system, and headed quickly to another one; They made sure they were protected... I had no idea what I was walking into. I was innocent and thought I was wanted. Why would I not. These were brutal people. Sociopaths at its best. Ruthless in nature. On the outside everything looked better then good. No human qualities. Nothing! I was destroyed soon enough.

I did not know what was going on! Or why! I was destroyed, and did not know what to do or where to go! I was destroyed! Now what! I did not know what to do! At this point Im more PTSD based then before, and my mind is going out on me! I have been destroyed by criminals. Now what.

I ended up going through many more horrors. Thrown away, I wondered from house to house, place to place. I was destroyed and had no one; nothing! City to city!

I finally went completely insane... I had full dissociative disorder... I never had ( at the time) a way or place to know what was wrong. All I could do was wonder and get worse.

I developed into the equivalent of the bullies that destroyed me or scared me through violence and intimidation!

I have that monster in me! The waring personality traits of the sociopath! and this causes problems! especially dealing with people!

Im learning to let some of it go as my symptoms go down. Its very hard. I get close to people; I become PTSD based 200%!

The idea is remember! try to remember what I was like as a child! The goal is to work through the PTSD problems regardless of the outcome and loss of relationships from my past. It means, getting strong enough through support, to face the past and work through it. Or, not face it and work through it! come out on the other side as myself; alone. The alone part is what they took from me. They took the support. IF can get to a place of understanding; these were sociopaths that play this kind of game with people and never return; its not personal.

Most of my work on the past is; it wasn't personal! They never really knew me, they were out to destroy anything and anyone in there path! It wasn't personal, they never saw me or knew me! its Ok to sneak away and start over! and this scares the sh@t out of me!

I will be making my own decisions? with out permission from my past!

I was victimized by a bunch of criminals and now Ive turned into the criminal. The idea is to turn back into the original human being and not be a criminal!

How do I turn back into a criminal none criminal! I have to love it so! I have to let go of the power identification of criminal! Criminal means free! Thats part of the brain washing problem Ive boughten into. I have to buy myself out of this terror. Im not a real criminal; I have a nervous system set up as one.

Im like a sociopath in recovery! I have the same hardened nervous system. I have bought into the tough thing. Im tough.. this is the sociopathic conditioning.. the problem; real people would be horrified to be " tough" they would want nothing to do with it! they would gag at the idea of giving up their traditional upper life to become the equivalent of a gang member! The sociopath does not care regardless. And I have become this; now what!. I was pushed to far over the edge!

People like myself can't fight back; to sick! I would end up causing to much damage. Now what do I do!

I have been working on my recovery to find out what to do! I have made progress. I have a life time of progress to keep working on this stuff.

The original me was snuffed out! I can see the original me. I am displaced from the original me! I see the original me but cannot get at it, I am to scared, the outside environment is not set up for it, for me to cross that bridge back into self again. Im attempting to secure the ground in front of me that I make that journey outside of myself! Others will not help! they have contempt and little else.

I have to learn to work through them ( contempt filled people)! by pass them.. They scare me and I don't want to admit it! I have contempt for them! I think Im better then they, better then everyone, and I don't have the guts to show it! Im afraid of what they will do or think. I see them as weak and want to attack them as scum bags.

I have allot of work to do if Im going to get self back! And live once more. It is brutal hard long work! slow work, one inch at a time!

Its hard to get the core to trust or not be scared or feel scared! I have no control of whats going on outside of me! I have been ran over by scum bags and I like it. Now I have joined them out of fear of having no place to go!

I would like to go other places but I would be completely alone! and I don't want that, I would kill myself! and no one cares either way. I would care I guess.

I guess Im trying to survive. But that is a cowards way out! I would rather fight! But that won't work, and thats a cowards way out! The only way is forward, and this is strait into PTSD worlds! and Im caught and can't move or fight back! So its on my knees to God!

I have to learn to trust God! I have no place left to hide! I don't know anyone like me! Im a mix of several different social cultures!

Im trying to get back to being myself! the one I was humiliated out of! scared out of. Bullied out of. And I gave in! and I more then hate myself for it. I haven't forgiven myself for it. Ive become hardened, now Im the bully hardened victim.

There are plenty of scum bags in this society that works for the society and have responsible positions in this society that make them look white as a sheet with Gold. All criminals.

I am damaged goods and I have to keep working to bring the truth to light!

ITs about practice and not giving in!

I liked myself at one time in early life. I would like to like myself again! I was violated and never got over it! Im attempting to get over it and like myself again! Its a hardcore journey! I have to let go and let God!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 5429 times

Who is online

Registered users: ArchCannon, Bing [Bot], fireheart, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, highdimensionman, LameInvestigator, MakersDozn, Yahoo [Bot]