April 2024
March 2024
The new social development Ive been working on for 5 years has began.
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Ive worked with the laws of attraction for 7 years. 6 of those years starting manifesting. Soulmate stuff started in 2016-2017...
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The idea was; I had to come out of my dissociative condition and AVPD and back to life. It doesn't mean I dont have those disorders; it means from underneath Ive got a whole new set of experiences using recovery and success based thinking materials and practice.
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I saw the end result; Im with professional people holding my own socially; or more then that; it means I believe again; Ive got a goal and working toward it and it was social and I had no idea how this was going to happen; how could I tolerate it.
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So; I was siting in the park writing my new stories of my life and visualizing... How was I ever going to be part of society again; no clue. But I kind of did; and I saw the end result; like someone wearing a suit at someones dinner party in the back yard... And mingling with the guests... And its started.
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At the bank today; had to sit down with the loan officer; I was just depositing; but he called me over; covid and all; didnt bother the tellers. So; Ive always been withdrawn freaked out; stressed dissociated nervous; agitated avoidant... This time was different; much different; it was small but it was the new me; a little of it; like a ghost from Christmas past showing up to be present again.
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I was showing signs; small signs of confidence; facing this dude; not letting my guard down but facing forward. Not easy; so much shame and feeling intimidated; but I made it through; kind of a half n half. He seemed so much more then me; I was on the other side of the world; on the bottom of the ocean; thats what it felt like; like I was marine life and he was a success; a successful business man of the community; But this time it was different; I looked for all the reason I could not complete but this time I switched it up and told myself I was good enough. And just sat their; and held my own at some levels. At all levels; but my level was low; but not out. Not like before. This was nothing like before. Im rising; thats the best way to put it.
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I held my own; it wasn't easy; but it was; and it was real and actual movement away from the past into the preset can be measured in that interaction... And thats what counts; I still have the C-PTSD brain; and AVPD; but I managed to manifest an experience on the spot in the real world where I was half way nervous and scared and present and make the best of things. I was polite; I answered all the small talk questions; I was a bit nervous; I still wanted to avoid; I was avoidant but I was part of the community he came from for that moment. In the past I was not part of anything or any part of civilization; Now I am; mover shaker power. It wasn't much but it was real and it was up to speed.. mean; Ive made in roads like I set out to 5 years ago... its now happening; and I think its happening in the time frame I thought it would; about 4 years.. Well; Ill have to add a few years to really get up to speed.
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Since its all brand new territory; Ill have to manifest and want to manifest new social experiences. Ill have a change of heart and attitude and want it and manifest or want manifestations of new experiences socially... The manifestation is the change of attitude toward this; to build confidence and belief that this is possible... I can feel the change as I write.
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Its actually beginning today; today is proof of the beginning; its a brutal ruff beginning. But its real.
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Real changes show up when Im not watching; Im put into a situation I have to face; and in that situation; I see how well I do after the event... And thats whats happened here...
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