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OMNICELL
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The school systems

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Oct 24, 2017 6:12 pm

Its quit interesting to wake up! I'm 55 years old; and for the first time; Im dealing with High school; hurray!
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Actually anyone reading this should be proud of me! Im actually re dealing with High school trauma that has never been looked at or dealt with! The events or incidence in the high school situation occurred as long term continues added problems to an already problematic life! I never processed these incidence, I moved on to other problems that suffocated me into a final submission that would land me quit insane and on social security disability by the time I was 32 years old! As a small child; this is the last thing I ever thought would happen to me!
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Im very lucky to be sharing this with you today! why?, Im authentically waking up to a time period closed off by Dissociative amnesia! Im even shocked by what Im seeing! I was bullied thousands of times in separate incidence; whether by actual authentic bullies in the neighborhoods or school yards, or bully-friends; these are bullies that you become friends with and hang out with that use you so you want get tormented by them; you have to play a passive roll and they steal your stuff your use you or your stuff!
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Stanger bullies; These are kids you dont know but meet by accident or they show up and bully you randomly! I had a few of these incidence!
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General neighborhood; bad neighborhood kids! When I moved into new neighborhoods; I dealt with an assortment of bad kids! With low self esteem, I become friends with them; the wrong people!
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No family life or family system; Im not wanted by the original family system; Im a throw away! However, I must legally live somewhere and everyone has moved away; no one cares who I am; Im a disposable throwaway! So, I now take the roll of foster kid; same thing! and unfortunately I will go through what they go through; Im put through it for almost 10 years! At times, I attempt out of desperation to go back to original people I new from my childhood neighborhood and get help; In reality most doors are slammed in my face; those that are open; it would have been better if I had never met them! I truly believe I was taken in by some of them because they wanted to control and destroy someone! Well, not exactly! They were not friends of mine! I was convenient during the time I lived by them; but then the house I lived in was sold and I had to leave! I wanted to return; technically no one missed me or remembered me! My best friend is no longer a friend once I leave the neighborhood! They are complete strangers and hope to never see me again!
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High school;
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This moment in my history; " Now", writing this is important because Im still alive!~ I've known many people with problems like mine ( the trauma person); that are dead; they gave up long ago! In fact, I was with someone this morning at a meeting that was suicidal. They were crying and freaking out and I told them to call crisis and I didnt want them leaving! She called! And I listened and I remember a long while back being exactly like her! However, she very close to my age and still suicidal; I am not! not generally; not at this point! It was strange and interesting to see someone else on the side of problems and not me anymore!
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High school; It was dangerous if you had no father! The teachers never got a call about me from the people I lived with! The teachers did not know me; they knew I was flunking out; but did not know why nor did they care! no one called them to explain my situation; I was on my own; no father, lost terrorized and completely alone! I sat in class clueless! I was a brilliant person that the system throw away many years before! I could not function; I needed to be in a nut house! I had no friends! I had no real home! all was a masquerade and fiction!
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High school; teachers did not ask about me; why I acted the way I did! no one cared! I was treated like a bad kid or lazy unmotivated! No one asked me a question; they knew nothing about me! I was treated like a throw away in the school system and thats exactly what they did!
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By the time Im a senior in High school; Im flunking out! however, I moved and was able to bring my grades up and graduate on time; just the idea of all this happening to my schooling and future devastated me in the most cruel way! torturous day! I was demoralized and mentally disfigured!
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I was bullied out of existence! The teachers at times bullied me or I was judged to the point of being put into retard classes with people of marginal intelligence; it was incredible! It was like being in a horror movie gone bad! I could not underhand! later, I understood that you have to have a father in the situation that stands up for you! I had nothing!
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The other half of the story! before I was in junior high or high school; an inner child was developing with dreams and hopes and goals, and that child stayed buried! Now, that child is coming out! a bloody mirical; and if this continues, I will be re writing my story through high school; I will live those years again as I should have in the first place; in fact, its already happening!
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Im authentically coming out of my shell and feeling and doing things that feel good; and this includes talents and interests I would have used in high school, but were shut off! They are now; past trauma; getting shut back on; and this is the original me hiding under the pain of abandonment, now coming out for the first time! it seems totally normal and earned! I earned the right to this because of the many years in recovery! Im starting to express myself the way I would have in junior high or high school if I had been safe! Im not just talk'n, Im actually doing it! Im not re living something! Im actually living something for the first time; That part of self locked down is now coming fourth!
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So, now, I allow my interests to come out an develop for the first time! Theyve been inside me with no place safe to roam in the outside world!
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Im a work in progress! Ive known many people that have taken their lives because of this stuff; and Im one of the few that I know that has gotten this far!
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Im looking to express myself my talents in the outside world! no one stops me now!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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