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The right women dealing with the 12 year old in me!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Oct 30, 2017 3:03 am

Im a 12 year old inside; thats OK; Im more interested in building a lego train set system; big one; cool one; then hanging around women! So, I have to grow! I like women, I want to sleep with them and play with them and my train set; but I dont want to marry anyone unless its my Asian-soulmate!
I dont like women; the concept! I like women that are more innocent; or natural or normal; the word " women", as a very bad ring it! I dont feel safe when I say women! I remember what girls were like when I was very young; then something happened and I no longer liked them anymore! They wanted men for their own purposes instead of liking men for who they were! This never worked for me! never! I just stayed to myself; Im still the same way! Today, Im interested only in the women that God brings me, and no other! I've been shocked by women! They seem to have no conscious; no discernment for right or wrong! As a grown man; I dont like them! I dont like them being in my space! I like looking at them on the internet, but not in person! They dont seem normal to me!
However, when I deal with latina girls; meaning women, they are fine! When I deal with black girls; they seem fine! When I deal with white women; thats when things go bad very quickly! Im sorry that it does! I never wanted it! They wont find their place and stay in it! so; I dont trust any of them; and for good reason; no conscious! They are not safe people to be around! non of them! not the ones Ive met! I guess one could say, meet better people; but Im afraid; I have very little money! and I dont want to be judged for it! It seems like, no matter what direction I go in society; I cant win! so, I stay away from society! The laws tend to be in women favor, so I stay away from them! In reality This is a joining of women to the government; In history, this is not a good sign; this means the government owns the rights to women; and usually this occurs in ancient times with kings and kingdoms! This suggests the society is not free! Its free only by going through the government! I guess Im bitching because its not a mans world! its a women world! not a mans world! and that is a bit strange! When I was growing up, it was a mans world! I thought it was! but not anymore; I guess!
When i was young; the bible was very important through the land; it was normal! not now! its been flipped on its head! porn is more normal then the bible! in fact; the Bible is non existent anymore! its not popular and dying out! So, whats replacing it; a women's movement! and leaves me one step removed from society! I was already 5 steps removed from society!
Men have no value in society anymore; and that leaves me one more step removed from society! if I killed myself tomorrow, no one would care, simply because Im a man! no one would care! So, where does that leave me! In a sense; it leaves me with me and God!
So; I have to work with God on this next round of things! This is going to be hard! very hard and heart breaking!
I believe the answer is; work with God! and let God bring the right people and stay away from the others!

As for women with children who are on their own; I dont know what to think! Why bother! I mean, I dont really have anything to offer those people! Most of the women I meet do not understand why I dont want to take care of their children! and Im not going to tell them! I wont tell them because they dont care! They have their children and their looking for someone to take care of them! I dont know what to think!
Ive seen women act arrogant around men; when in the old days it was the other way around! men were accused of the double standard! Now; I can see the pain of it! I got the message! what it must have been like for women to be broken hearted all the time with no one in society that really liked them as people! now its changed and reversed; but their is a problem; men are built like women; they are different creatures! men are non forgiving; they kill and start wars over things! they go to war and do not forget! So, this double standard thing does not work on men! And this is causing a giant forge between men and women! but women dont seem to care! I get the impression that women have each other but men have no one! I have God!
ITs attraction not promotion; if you are not attracted me; I will leave it be; I will not help you! I will silently walk away! I will not help you find me; find my worth! I will do nothing for you! I will stay silent the whole time and it will remain that way for the rest of my life! I will say nothing to you! If you dont know who you are talking to, I will say nothing! its attraction not promotion!
Ive seen people value me correctly, then talk to others who lied to them about me; those people took the lies as a sign against me and I did not try to fight them! I stayed out of it! I will not associate with people who attempt to put me down; its attraction not promotion, your opinion of me means nothing! if you 2 face me and change your opinion of me; I will silently never talk to you ever again! and that will be that!
Everyman wants to think he can attract all women; but is that really what you want?, imagine you attract a really fine hot women with kids; what do you want with her! I want to sleep with her; what does she want; she wants a new man she can marry and fall in love with and live happily ever after; its not me, and wont be me! and how can you ask a stranger to do this; take on the responsibility of a complete family; how can you!
So, are most women available! No; I dont think so! I guess the problem is; I dont want most women! I want a women that is inline with what Im in line with! that is thinking about the things I think about; thinks like I think! The others; I just want sex from them; I dont care!
The arrogance I deal with, when dealing with society, it shuts me down!
It wouldn't hurt if I had a niche!

I have to be myself; and if I cant be myself and be accepted then, Im not interested in being around people! If a women cant accept me as a 12 year old inside that wants a train set, but wants a man to take care of her kids; then she needs to leave me alone for good! Im not interested!
I seem to live in a society that tells me I have to be something Im not or I wont be accepted; and not being accepted is bad!
I live in a society that; if you dont have money your nothing! I could be wrong! Ive been in a sheltered situation for a very long time and not sure about the outside world!
My childhood does not count; as information about the real world! I was used and exploited and thrown away! I got nothing from that experience accept used and destroyed and all my talents thrown away!
Now, Im learning how to turn to God for things, and trust God! and its possible that most of my complaints are 2 God for not aligning with me and helping me! Why would I want a God that does not help me or care!
I see most women not care! I am scared of women; most of them; they make me sick; disgust me! and thats not my fault; Im simply reporting what Ive seen! I suppose women feel this way about men! I dont blame them; most men act like savages! I guess! I dont know!
Most women are dishonest liars! They dont tell the truth and dont care! They dont care at all! I do not trust any of them; nothing! However, I do OK with women that are not white! I guess! They dont seem to have a problem with me!
I do not understand why non white women like me; but white women are not nice!
Most of it comes down to God! where is God! where is God! I am suppose to trust again! It would be me and God and not much else! I have nothing else!
I know something; I have allot of PTSD and Im not listening to it like before! But Im on my own! I have to ask God why Im so alone all the time! I dont trust God! I see what happened in the past! Things are changing!
Ive been around people that will judge me by what others tell them; at that point; Im through with them; if someone takes sides against me! Im done; their just using me for fun and games! Im the object of their ridicule! Im not interested in being part of their game; and I really dont want 2 faced people around me!
Im actually doing better! Im not stable yet; Im slowly getting better! Im in the middle of a transition that is getting better!
I spent my younger life assuming I had to live up to others expectations; now that I know I was never loved by anyone; I dont have to live up to that expectation; they never knew me or liked me anyway; but it left my identity in a state of confusion! who am I! what is most important!
Now, I have to let go of the past; all of it, because its worthless! And the people from it are worthless!
I have to allow God to get me to a safe place and rebuild me!
Who am I? I know one thing; its about love! if Im not loved I dont care about anything! If Im not valued, I dont care about anything, including having any success! I dont want any success!
If Im not valued or loved I wont do anything! and in this society; that means, either be like everyone else or die! because no one cares! and it seems that no once cares who I am or what happens to me!
So, Im starting to get it! my life or world is far away from what I grew up with! no one valued me when growing up! nothing! so; these are not my tribe or people!
The 12 step systems Ive been in for years; these are not my tribe or my people; but they have been places to grow up! and places to learn from and develop that have been safe for me; I am very lucky in that respect! really really lucky! I've gone through a full mental condition!
Im still dissociative! its easier when I'm alone; when Im out in the world it really shows; My mind will be gone; like a constant day dream; Im not in reality! and the outside world requires to much of my attention; I dont feel safe; and this breaks me down! and Im in a state of De=compensate.
My big thing is to get over the past; and it looks like it will happen; Im now recognizing PTSD, CPTSD as what it is! its a lie; those things happening in my head are not happening in the real world! And the more meditation I work on that allows me to concentrate on me in the here and now; the more I look around in my imagination in the room Im in while actually being in that room; I end up focusing on only the room I'm in and nothing else; and suddenly Im hit with PTSD and my mind is taken over! now I see it and I pull my mind back! and its working! Im now starting to take control of my mind and come back to the present! Im looking forward to more of this!
Im beginning to to see that most of what Im concerned about in the world is not in the world; its in the shadows of PTSD that continually go off in my head; thats where the fright and anxiety and pain are coming from; the instability! When the PTSD no longer has power over me; Im not thinking about it; things are calm in the present and I get to look at the world any way I want to!
PTSD; should be my next blog; if its not bothering me as much or I mean; Im not focusing on it as much; that means I have a sense of freedom! what then do I do; if Im not at war with it; who am I, and where do I go and what do I do!
Ive been in a world of people who do not care about me! Because of things like long term PTSD, I have not been able to function; who stayed with me! No one; they all left me; why! they did not care about me or what happened to me! However, in respect; looking at most of those people; 2/3rds are sociopaths! They are; I know them; I watched several of them turn into sociopath! and sociopaths are off the hook; meaning, I dont hold them responsible for not being human beings; they aren't human anymore! Still; its frustrating! As for the others; most of them have legitimate excuses for not accepting me for who i am; meaning, they are messed up! and the more I get over PTSD, the less I judge them! I no longer care! anyway; PTSD will be a big blog issue coming up!


Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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