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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1025)
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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The right relationship!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jul 21, 2018 11:51 am

Looking back; I had no mother; ever; when very young; I waited for what I I saw on TV; the sitcoms; I waited for a mother to show up like what I saw on TV; nothing; nothing ever showed up; I waited and waited and waited; and nothing! I never got anything physical or emotional development from a women; nothing! ever!
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Now; When seeking relationships; I look at this impossible task and wonder how this is going to become;
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What women; what are the right women to come into my life to help me! to help me out! who will they be!
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I cant imagine; or I have to imagine who they might be if Im going to attract them!
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I thought to myself; They could help me as if they were my first girlfriends! Meaning, Im like a teenager; and they will be my first girlfriends!
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And then I thought; I need a family; what I missed in a family I never had; day after day after day of development; I remember as a small child; it was TV; thats where I got my day to day hope of what could be and would comes next; and I had nothing else; nothing!
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I thought; OK; I need a girlfriend to help me through the years of being destroyed, betrayed and abused; Then I thought; my God; no?; I have to go back further; I have to go back to when a small small child that got no attention or not the right kind of real attention!
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I have to have a girlfriend be a mother to me as if Im a small child from the beginning of my life! Not a problem; a decent respectable girl would have no problem with this; meaning " women"! I being a man; always call women girls; thats what men do!
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FIrst; God brings all things! The universe matches me up with the right people; so I have to learn to let go after asking the universe for what I want! So; its about trusting the universe!
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I want a match to what I desire! I want a women for what I desire! The question is; am I a match to myself! I want a women to match me; am I a match to myself!
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I have to be willing to care about a women; the small child within her; because she had nothing her whole life; and no one to love her; I must love the small child within her!
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I tried this one; to love a women; the small child within her; I failed! when it came time for me to make the jump from boyhood to manhood; I failed; I could not make this jump because it was ridiculous; I could not make this jump! I had a whole life time of missed experiences to learn; this was ridiculous! I thought the girl was making me skip my development and go strait into responsibility as a man; this is completely uncalled for and ridiculous! She never said it; that I had to become a man; but she never acknowledged that I dont become a man yet and get the help I need! However, she needed to be loved; she was not worried about my condition; she just wanted to be loved!
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I blamed her for not putting her attention on me and my problems! I judged or the way I was judging myself! She was innocent and had no idea what was going on inside my body!
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I have to give what it is Im expecting to get! I have to create the situation within a women; I have to create a situation where Im the care giver of the child within in; this creates a women that wants to take care of me! The question is; who is worthy of such a thing; and this hurts; this is so hard; I feel like Im back in society with nothing but a bunch of murders again; who; from this lot of filth am I suppose to pick as my lover!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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