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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
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The recovery process

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Feb 10, 2016 2:20 am

Im 75% the way their!

Ive been through all all; recovery wise! Ive come from nothing! 20 years of it! Im very very lucky person! Very very lucky!

The next step is to manifest a real economic change! Im simply asking God and manifesting a way to make more money per month! And stick to it until change; real change occurs! And learn to do something I actually like! Not something with such resistance that I regret and resent getting up in the morning!

And to secure my ability to date! Meaning, approach and ask out! Im very shy, but very confident in my ability to know I attract women! And I know when many women are showing signs of interest!

Ive talked to therapists about dating! Ive complained about past women! The therapist simply told me " welcome to the human race"! I told her what I had done! She told me it was normal for what I thought love was! Meaning; Ive hurt women in the past because I reacted to love in a strange weird way because thats what was taught me!

I told her what she had done! The therapist told me that this is how people react! No one is stainless or perfect! People are people creatures!

I wanted better! My therapist told me to go to mars; hahahahahahah!

I got the point! Just go date and get experience!

I have no problem of selection of women to date! Im a guy they think looks like a better version of Bruce Willis! And Ive been told this 1 trillion million God zillion billion illion times! And Ive had all walks of women like me! All good looking to super hot model, mS America good looking! Seems, the better looking they are; they will come up to me and tell me what they think! Ive had women measure me to see if I fit! They wanted to replace their x husbands!
Ive had women want sex relationships; they were training me! Took a few months! But I wasn't into what they wanted; a bit to rough for me!
Ive had women want a baby from me! They simply wanted me to give them a baby!

Ive had several women want sex who were married! I guess they thought it was OK; not OK for me!

When in a room with women; I attract all of them! Its changing now because of my age!

Im 53 years old! And it still shocks me! You would think the really young women would pass! But they don't! It's not like it used to be! When I was in my late 40's I could have gotten half the town pregnant! Crazy!

Ive had several women like me from a distance; when they get close, Im freaked and panicked from PTSD! they now look at me as a wierdo they don't want anywhere near me! so; their it is! it can change within a second; a women's opinion of me if I respond to her in correctly; if Im acting needy or scared or un confident! and its happened many many times; so many times, that I did not bother getting close to women until I could get some of this fixed! and its getting fixed slowly!

I could never get close to anyone until now! So. its strange to say that I attract all of these women! but I legitimately do attract all of these women or have! its just to bad I could not do anything about it! its a strange story! a real one!

I have no problem walking up to the most stuck up hot women in the Universe! no problem! but I have a problem interacting with any of them; or anyone! and thats the problem! its not about women! its about human beings! its about trauma and dissociative disorder! it horribly effected my ability to get physically close to anyone! and it stopped all possible relationships until it could get better!



And I worried about my lack of experience! Who do I date? Meaning, they are all sexy women from a mans point of view! Ive got massive choices! You name the age! 22 on up! But are they the right women? I don't know! I like all women Im attracted to; they can be 70 years old or 20! and I Ive attracted them from 18 to 80!

Some women want children! They want to turn into baby mama's! Ive had several really hot young good looking women hit on me and wait! And later hook up with some tough thug; they ended up having his kids within months! And they break up! And he's the new father! baby Mama's

So, in all reality; Im one of those guys that can have women! But Ive really not been able to have any of them! Its horrible! But it's finally changing!

Ive hurt allot of women that got close to me! They wanted me! I could not respond completely! And backed out! Most understand my dissociative condition is responsible!

Many of these women that wanted me; would scream at me when with their new boyfriends! they were really really mad! I guess they wanted me first! and ended up with the other guy because I didn't hit on them fast enough!

All I have to do is walk up and smile at a women and its on! Or respond to her looking at me! And its on!

" Your cute' " phone number please"! Its as easy as picking apples out of a tree! Looks? I can get anyone! It doesn't matter! And I question this all the time; but still; I get them interested!

But it does matter! The problem is my lack of experience!

Im like 2 people; one that attracts women, and one thats 10 years old and traumatized!

Now, things are getting better! I have to go out! Date!

It's not been that long since I was practicing asking people out for coffee! Now its much easier!

So, now Ive got people calling me, women I interact with and joke around with! It's slowly getting easier!

The next big step of fear is asking people out that are hot! Ive rarely done it yet; Ive been so scared! Not scared at all of rejected! Not attraction rejection; but worse; economic rejection; caste system rejection!

! I had a few girlfriends last year, and stopped when the PTSD worlds were calling to me and taking my attention!

I was terribly afraid that being attracted to me was not enough! When they found out my in recovery and messed up; its over! Im not what they wanted or were looking for; thats been the huge fear! Having a women not be attracted to my physically is Ok! it hurts a little! but not really, because Ive had other women attracted to me or; who cares! I can handle it! its the other that really is not my fault! its not my fault I ended up in the economic mess Im in! Im lucky to be alive! Will the hot women Im talking to understand! and if no t! what then! I guess will have to learn to handle it!

Im very much like a 16 year old; In fact; Im exactly where I was going into the later horrible stages of PTSD and dissociative disorder! about 16 years old is when I zoned out and got hurt!

Im listening to myself write and Im at 16, dealing with 16 year old issues! its OK! Im getting used to this life!





So, its about approach and asking them out! One needs pre selection! And I need allot more practice !
Ive been scared of over the top quality women! What would happen when they found out I wasn't some upper middle class money machine! and Ive been scared of cute women with baggage! What if I just wanted to use them for sex and not anything serious! is this OK! Their not good enough for me? but their good in bed! I guess I have to man up and go find out!

RELATIONSHIPS;

This is the big one! I don't want to use a women; I really don't! But some or many women are hot and sexy to me and I want to sleep with them; I don't want them as my girlfriend! They have to much baggage! I guess I have to work through this and simply date them!

Im afraid I will end up liking the wrong people because they are hot in bed!

I guess this is what you learn and go through when your 19! Im learning it for the first time at 53~



Visualization;

I'm really into visualization! this is the creation of a vision or new story of my life and its goals! what goal do I have! I visualize it, let it grow in my mind, let my imagination and God come up with an answer of creating a solution! and so it roles! my battered mind is getting success training!

I need allot more training and time for manifestation!

The goal is to get good enough and wait for the results!

The Past;

Their are parts of my past un touched and un looked at; basically when I lived with my Grandmother, after my parents divorce and all the pain associated with the loss of my early life and my house and way of life!

Im looking into manifesting my life back to the way it originally was turning out! its possible now! I have to put those ideas into my mind and let God and the Universe do their work to create it for me!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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