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- July 2020
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The reality of a thing

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Dec 19, 2019 7:03 pm

With my childhood waisted and cut off and destroyed; the only way back into it is to reimagine it; as if Im already their; Im back as a child on a day to day reality; and Im attempting this; the problem is the fear and hatred associated to what happened to me; how I was blanked out of my childhood. One minute Im safe and in a house with a yard and parents and brothers and a school and a neighborhood and friends in a home town and a future; and the next thing I know; is all desert as if I was never born and had no history; it was cut out of me; and this is the brutal act of a psychopath; thats what they do, in order to destroy the human being and they kill the mind and keep the body; they were to destroy me. It was like a grenade dropping into my bedroom to kill me when I was asleep... Thats what they do...
So; Im trying to work through this " Grenade launch", then, remember my childhood and move on to the next year where I was not in this neighborhood anymore or at my house; even talking about it is horrible horrible horrible. despicable horror.... Its complete dissociation. I have to recreate the next year on my own as if Im safe and have a place to live and continue on down the trail of my life.
I did not get any training after 10 years old or 9 years old. And I was never satisfied from 4 to 7; my upbringing or interests in life that I had. I had great plans and plans for a mother and father to love me and help me; never happened ever. I was thrown away at the age of 9 and after that; nothing; no development; nothing.
I watched TV from ages 4 to 8; that was my training and interest in life; from there, when I got older, I would branch out and create the life I wanted. Now; Im attempting to go back into this concept and recreate it the way it was suppose to be; not an easy thing; lots of anger and torture and pain.
So; Im trying to get in touch with thoughts of that time period and move on from their....
When I was 7' I was making snow angels in the snow; I have to see myself at 10 making snow angles in the snow and 11 making snow angels in the snow; and that is a hard thing, for I need to see myself making snow angles in the snow at 11 as if Im still living in the same house and neighborhood and going to the same school as if nothing had happened and Im still going down the right path for my life and still getting trained by my parents; but how can I do this? I will start writing as if it did happen and I'll se what shows up in the present to help me. Non of this is easy; non of it' it is brutal pain and torture; thats what it is; dehumanization; thats what this is; all of it.
Ive got this specific pain; this specific area of pain; it's like a thorn in my side that has to be dealt with.
The years from 8 to 11; this change period from having a house and a family to having nothing; this is the period I have to recreate in my imagination that I can safety work through it to the present generation; I must work with God on this and find a new way.
In stead of saying goodbye to my house; I was in a state of shock and dissociation.
Another major problem; my mind wont let me get within a year of the actual assault upon my up bringing and the severing of my personalty from myself; my mind and nervous system wont allow me to get near that moment; it starts dissociating a year before this period; meaning; I can only see up to age 8 and then it suddenly goes dark; wont let me go any further; now; that is changing; And it hurts; it hurts bad in those areas right before I get destroyed; Im just seeing and feeling it barely; I mean barely; its unbelievable pain; my mind is wincing and dissociating as I write this....
The other problem is; after this; theirs no more family that claims to know me or accept me; its as if I was never born or part of any family; even friends want nothing to do with me as if they never met me. I look back on this now and see they were never my friends; but the deep hurt from having no physical family anymore; I belonged to know one; I was orphaned.
If I went back around the original family members; they were not family members anymore; they didn't want anything to do with me and didn't care if they ever saw me again and didn't want to ever see me again; as for mother and father; that was over by the time I was 9; I recognized them for what they were; but I did not know what they were; the names to call them; but know I do; sociopath/ psychopath.
I had no choice but to spent time around them after the age of 8; what was I suppose to do; but I was never wanted and I was treated like I was never theirs or ever seen before; Iike I was a complete stranger and they tried to play innocent and make me into a bad person; a trouble maker or scape goat; it was unbelievable.
Looking back; these antics are the behaviors of the classic sociopath and sadistic psychopath and narcissist to a lesser degree. Now; Im trying to come back to a broken identity of living in several different places not by choice and several different experiences; bad bad bad experiences not by choice and trying to make sense out of all of this and still get on with my life.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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