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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1107)
- November 2020
The work is over my head; but thats OK
   Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:35 am
Wont let the people I love into my life...
   Tue Nov 17, 2020 5:45 am
Social and feeling worthy
   Mon Nov 16, 2020 4:21 pm
Loving myself for real
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 5:15 pm
Moving onward
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 1:29 pm
And her vision keeps getting closer
   Wed Nov 11, 2020 11:19 am
On moving on and creating a new life
   Sun Nov 08, 2020 9:53 pm
Breaking the dating barrier
   Sat Nov 07, 2020 6:22 pm
Back to the drawing board with women
   Thu Nov 05, 2020 2:53 am
Changes are occurring; still isolated and lonely
   Tue Nov 03, 2020 6:13 am

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The new person has already began

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Sep 26, 2019 1:17 am

I am a new person; It has happened; the threshold has crossed over. The idea of a cocoon; from moth to butterfly; it has happened; Ive metamorphosized into a new creature. Ive been that new creature for a little while now.
The new creature;
For 30 years I was half a human being; no past; it had been wiped out or cut off from self; beheaded; this happened aggressively by psychopaths out to destroyed me and they did. Sickening; what is sicker; the way I was destroyed is the way many serial killers kill; they entice or charm; then suddenly kidnap; then in a captured state; the exploit the victim; then once destroyed; they throw the remains away... In same cases; they smash the body or head; or behead them and dump them in a pond or forest. So; what happened to me was right inline principle speaking. I was destroyed without warning and to young to fight back or know what to do. The same people I would have turned to for help were the ones destroying me; all of that pressure and the loss of my life and nowhere to turn; I become catatonic... And completely dissociated from reality and I never came back. And many more things I went through.
Im now living with my old childhood intact to a certain percent. Its back; lots is missing but accessible. Lots is not missing. The main part of self is here now and intact. I don't see all of it; all of me; 70% is here; it will get stronger with time as more memories are brought forward and Im able to realize those memories; its only a matter of time that I become who I originally was.
Whats interesting; in the place of not being present are odd out of place mental scenery; scenes of busy streets and nothing more; just reality; those are what I've been seeing in my head for years because I had no access to anything deeper. Now; thats changed. I believe it will be possible to move forward with many areas of my life that baffled me.
Im starting to live like I did as a child; the key word is; " live". Im starting to live again; Im not just glancing at a movie of how I used to be from a distance. Im now and Im living and its a carbon copy of what I did in the 1960's.
So; what is different. Probably the few areas of noticeability; one; no more best friend; he is gone; his family house is gone from my view and their business is no more. They had a flower shop business from the turn of the 1900th century; it is gone now; an empty lot with an empty store front. And Im getting used to it; it hurts but part of me feels relief because he and his family where never what they seemed to be. They acted like we were friends and I was more then family; I was mistaken on all counts. There was no love for me and no one liked me or cared for me or wanted me around. These people saw nothing in me; nothing. no value, no intelligence; Nothing.
So; Now that Im coming back online as myself again; or a slow moving vessel of myself; I will catch up with more of my self as time goes on; I don't have the people with me I did in the past; I have to get used to this. I don't have the best friend or his house; I don't have the school kids and their families but I still get the urge to throw the football; who will help me; Well; Ive recruited a few people; are they the right people? I don't know that I'm mature enough in this new world to know if Im making right choices or not; and Im working with the universe on this. we will see.
ITs not all guns and roses; theirs still delays and problems and timing problems dealing with the universe and this still perplexes me and confuses me; many times I wonder who's side the universe is on; it makes no sense to me; am I alone in the universe....
Im still damaged goods; Im like a damaged Star Ship in dock at Regal 12. I have to get rebuilt and that is what's going on. but Im not a ghost; not anymore; am I lost; not exactly; in fact Im being fitted with my original programming and Im able to see it and not dissociate but Im not allowed to see all of it; not yet; but it keeps unfolding; and it unfolds in a way that I get to retain the good parts and skip the bad parts or the the ending; I get to change the ending; get to learn how to mature through the bad parts of what happened.
The big problem now; Amnesia; getting my nervous system to spit it out; all of me; of who I used to be. I had no defenses; so when I was destroyed; it went strait to the heart and paralyzed my system; it was a knock out punch meant to kill; thats what psychopaths do in many many forms; they are murder's; that they are.
So; Im walking through my murder; and Im getting use to the other side. The other side today for me is; Im here again in life again living again and learning how to live; this was not part of the agenda of the psychopaths; not that they cared; they don't; they don't didn't care the day I was born or if they ever saw me again or if I died; nothing. So; coming back to my life is God created. So; I am to continue to develop as is where Im at and come back to life as I am now.
Flashback and literal past memories. Unfortunately. Non of the memories after I was destroyed or during are of any worth; they are forced directions of my life shoved down my throat that destroyed me; more destruction. Im now attempting to get aligned back with myself.
Alignment is not easy.
The point is; Im coming back but without any of the people of that past time period; many people kill themselves making this passage. They cannot make this passage; it is to abrupt and heart breaking; too much reality and to lonely; it's like someone getting out of jail 50 years later and assuming the outside world is intact as it was when they were young. They assume they will continue as usual; However, they get out of jail with a shirt and a few bucks and are thrown into a lonely new world; nothing is the same; no one is waiting for them; they go into future shock and after a few months; end up at the end of a rope...
I do not plan on having to end up at the end of a rope; in fact; Ive made it; Ive made it past that area; Ive developed past that. However, Im not out of the blue murky martian sands yet. I must get to the next level and Im finding the same lonely path that the jailer might find; no one is here that I know. Dear God please send my friends to me that I develop through experience into the next level. The problem is; I must send out a better signal because I must meet all new friends; I don't have any of this capacity; I suppose God could show up with some; but I'll have to write about it and desire it and want it bad enough for it to show up. And those thoughts must change; my mind switches to desolate bad places when I think of something new; it goes back to time periods forced down my throat of nothingness; failure and no way out but failure; over n over n over again and complete neglect with no help out; like being put in a hole 40 feet deep with no way out; well; Ive worked to find a way out and Ive found a way out and I don't want to go back in.... So; now I must learn to stop when I think of something new; and hold; stay and turn a new direction; go down a new street; don't go down the same ally of compulsion. Find something new.... a new way; stop; take a breather and allow myself to think and then turn...

Ive got the pickle ball rackets; Now all I need; one chosen pickle ball player that I feel safe with to help me get to the next developmental maturity level. ITs very important for me to pick who I want to associate with. I don't want any dumb bells ruining my reunion with life...
I think Im making my point. Im not out of the dark yet. Im not; I have a whole trail of trials to work through and I must understand this; and that is hard I was hoping on something else.


Im in middle transition.
Im at this point where it's time to let go of the legos and head outward; make a phone call to a friend; get some basic rc mini helicopters and go play together. This would be going past the lego level of pre school; that time of having fun things to build while being supervised. At some point; the child outgrows the room he/she is living in; they outgrow the room; they now want to expand on the toys and try something new; they want team work; they want to work with someone having fun together; thus; the next stage; and such things Im now heading to. Im out of the lego stage I still enjoy it but Ive moved on from it; Im seeking connection with someone else with more sophisticated toys; toys we both use together; baseball and bat or ping pong table. Xbox... basketball and a basket; you feel me. A team participation.
Im waiting on this; Im working with the universe to open up this avenue; this pathway; I must write on it. Imagine it opening up; and there is where the work is at this time.
In gaining weight.
The food in the stores is full of sugar; they claim less fat; they took out the saturated fats but they had pounds of sugar; Now the country is 2o to 30 pounds over weight; and so am I; and why? because ham, cheese, breads, can chili, and many other things; potato chips; You name it; it's all got massive sugar in it. One can gain several pounds every time they eat; if they eat enough of it; Whats the difference between a candy bar, a sandwich and soup; nothing; they all have the same level of sugar; and it shouldn't be but it is. Nothings changed; it's gotten worse.
I have to change what I eat; every time I eat something; Im basically eating the equivalent of candy regardless of what I eat; its all got tremendous amounts of sugar... I have to change to another form of food that has no sugar.
As for social; Im on the edge of change; Im right their but I must have more basic development experiences; I mentioned going from legos to footballs; and their it is; the change; from playing with building blocks by myself to taking it outside and working with someone else in tandem; together having fun; the next step up is to ask for assistance for social interactions; it starts to become social. However, a gap resides where Im at and where I want to be; beginning social. I did not know there was going to be a problem here. Im working on or have to work on CPTSD. I have to work on flashbacks getting in the way and natural social barriers from the past that forced me to take inferior sub subordinate positions with others; taking the position of submissive in order to survive. So; most of that starts in my thinking long before it happens in real life; I believe Im thinking about it and thus attract it. And so; Im sick and have allot of stuff to change concerning CPTSD and fawning, freezing, running, fighting.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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