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Consumer 6
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- November 2020
emotions starting to bleed out; This is good
   Thu Nov 26, 2020 7:11 pm
Anxiety and dealing with the opposite sex
   Wed Nov 25, 2020 7:52 am
The work is over my head; but thats OK
   Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:35 am
Wont let the people I love into my life...
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Social and feeling worthy
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Loving myself for real
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 5:15 pm
Moving onward
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And her vision keeps getting closer
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On moving on and creating a new life
   Sun Nov 08, 2020 9:53 pm
Breaking the dating barrier
   Sat Nov 07, 2020 6:22 pm
Back to the drawing board with women
   Thu Nov 05, 2020 2:53 am
Changes are occurring; still isolated and lonely
   Tue Nov 03, 2020 6:13 am

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The mother connection

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jul 31, 2019 3:43 pm

From the womb to the outside world. Also, where the feminists are attacking men; at the womb, in Their development to reach outside the womb and develop.
From the womb to the outside world; this is where my struggle lies and has began.
The womb or cocoon that kept me safe while I was growing up; I was still in this outside womb as a boy; then my mother smashed it open and I was destroyed... I went into shock. Then a cocoon was created or re created to protect me; but it was so dysfunctional. It was so crude; and it was being built to protect me while I was being seized and bullied; because bullies could sense I was in this desperate place without an outside womb to protect me. The bullies could sense I was rebuilding a cocoon to hide in; to protect myself; so they got in on it before I had a chance to close up shop on them. I was destroyed again.
So; now; as I reach outside the womb; Im spoiled and immature; Im used to being taken care of; I don't know how to take care of myself. And Im used to doing nothing but trembling; How do I do anything else. Im used too being left alone and dying; how do I take care of myself. The connections are coming; and my connectors are working again sorta. But the inside of the cocoon is still in turmoil and fear and loathing and isolation and weak and bombarded. its not in perfect shape; still vulnerable to attack.
So; when I was young; the womb was smashed down and broken and I spilled out and all connections over time were destroyed; the connections I connect within the womb to be feed and with God and in a protected house. All of these things were destroyed; the neural endings... the connectors to life. They should have never been exposed to the outside world when to young; those connections were never to be outside but inside the womb connecting to other protected inside connections that keep a child in tact protected by God and heaven and a womb and man.
So; all of my connectors were smeared out; swollen and ruptured and then beheaded; simply cut off. like cutting someones arms off.
Now; My spirit and connecters are active again; wanting to be active from the inside out; the connectors are not up to par yet; they have to be re healed.
Im now understanding that a father will not be showing up to take me from this womb position and show me or connected with me in several different areas; connecting me to survival.
Ive been working with God for sometime; and the connecters are now reconnecting to other people and places and things in society; the universe has made it so.
However, its just starting; and their is pain; much fear and uncomfortableness.
Im scared to death; I don't want to get re hurt; Im vulnerable as I re learn to re connect. Its like being out in space orbiting the earth and I have to go outside the space craft and do repair work; its dangerous; I could float away; I could get hit by debris I could melt or a hole could over take my space suit and I could suffocate or implode. ITs a real scary situation.
Im Fairly safe right now; Ive made upper level connections; Im safe but bruised; scared of connection; of being hurt. Scared of the feeling of reconnection.
The problem is; Ive got so much to learn and learn how to connect again; I mean; I've never been their; and the last time I tried to connect to the world I was destroyed; and so Im scared and shaken to be out here doing this again.
It uncomfortable; I was taken care of and don't know how to take care of myself.
If God said; go on a ski vacation; I would think; " cool God, you pay for it; I don't know how"; And much insecurity exists; for I don't know how to pay for a ski vacation. Ive been spoiled dysfunctional and in a cocoon; I don't know how to do anything and feel safe or believe anything good will happen; I believe I will be hurting destroyed. So; I have little if no hope of functioning in society; so; I don't know how to make money to go on a ski vacation.
God is supplying the connections;

Im learning about connections; God is supplying the connections; connections to get my bruised connecters back into practicing connection; I don't know how well they are working or if they will ever work again; we will try them and see.
Lots of flash backs writing this. Lots of dissociation. Lots of horror and sadness and shame and humiliation. Im re watching a dying life that will have no chance at survival.
So; the reconnections are happening; one at a time; its all new to me; its like being reborn; it will take much time to coordinate these connector arms out into the world.. The universe is watching over everything..
I haven't an idea how to do anything; Im like a 6 year old trying to reconnect and dont know anything or how to do anything and can't take on anything more the a 6 year old can handle and Im going to have to be happy with that.... and accept it. Its hard but its truth.
I have no confidence on doing anything for myself outside in the real world; or outside in general. I dont know how to make money; I dont have the confidence for it or the know how. But; God is bringing me the connections. Many things will have to be strengthened for me to understand how to go to the next level. many things will have to be strengthened for me to trust the outside world again.
Its crazy that I can be connected to the outside world again by new means; ways not traditional to a nuclear family system. Its all very hard and still to close to home; its worries me and gives me the shakes.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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