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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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The message about the sociopath

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jan 09, 2021 2:24 pm

The work Ive been doing; hanging around narcissists and sociopaths and psychopaths within meetings; I mean; Im in rooms full of them... I guess.. And at times some of the women like me. And I like them... Im attracted to them; God is finally showing me as I wake up; showing me the hard line I didnt want to see. The narcissist sociopaths Ive been dealing with lately; the women that have liked me who have betrayed Me; God is showing; " Why were you around them in the first place"; Ive been stunned by this concept.
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I found out the hardcore nature of the girl I liked because a worthless young monster with no conscious started hitting on her in front of me and she liked it. She courted him right in front of me as if I wasn't their; this horrified me and afterword; after dealing with them or seeing them silently for several months; gave her the label monster.. for me she is a Monster... And that was the sad horror the universe wanted me to see to get me to wake up.
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Ultimately in order to " Move on" from her and handle all of this reality; The universe had me go back into my first loves memories; memories of her; and work on what happened with her. As I visualize holding her hands and telling her I love her and visualizing it; I began to remember what she really was and why I cut it short. She also was a monster; and when I found out; it was over; I could not do anything about it; she was a sociopath and she was just like my mother the psychopath; and when I realize this it was over between us on the spot. She had no conscious; latter I would discarded by her permanently... I was heart broken; not just because I was discarded; I mean; I could have done something about that; but what good would it have done; nothing; shes a narcissist/sociopath... When I found out what she was I had that frustrated sicking feeling all over my body; now what do I do... Im all alone again; I dont get it. later Ill go back to my home town and live with my best friend and his family; I was in high school; but when I got to his house a horrible thing happened; I was not wanted and non of them were my friends; I got the silent treatment; my God I thought I had finally walked into a place where I safe. I was not safe; and their son; my friend ignored me like he had never known me. I was even more destroyed after that experience living with those monsters... they treated me horribly Iike I was no good trash. Later; they would be found out to be narcissists and sociopaths. Pure evil; but they had money. But I never knew...
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God is trying to wake me up to a horrible thing; I was surrounded by bad people all my life; pure evil and never knew it.. From every direction. And why; because I went out and found it and never understood what I was looking for; I was attracting evil from every direction. I had no idea until it was 2 late...
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I had no friends and never knew it.. Now; Im starting to wake up and understand.
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I have to learn to be around normal people again; not narcissist sociopaths... I have to watch it. Im attracted to them and thats the kind of people I end up around; its cool at first but soon turns into a nightmare... I have to really look at this.... Im starting to and Im starting to wake up.
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Heres the deal; I have to come out from among them... no future with them... I have to learn how to be around normal people again. The problem has been; I fall for someone and find out their a narcissist or sociopath and I just dont get it until Im harmed horribly. God keeps trying to wake me up to put road blocks in front of me; has been doing it over n over n over again in order to save me and protect me... and its working.. I have to wake up to the message; ive been mentally ill for a long long time asleep for a long long long time... Im slowly starting to wake up again.
Im seeing that the interest in sociopaths that Ive had is a reflection of how I grew up... and God wants better for me...
Im trauma bonded to sociopaths and narcissists and psychopaths and that ends up a dangerous thing.. they get the best of me finally. When I get close to having a relationship with them; they pull down the walls and destroy everything because they are not human they are monsters... And so at some point I am horrified and I get out. But lately ive been getting another bigger message. Most of the psychopaths Ive been around lately are to wake me up about the original psychopaths that put me to sleep; thats whats waking me up...
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Im not suppose to judge Im just suppose to love. Thats what happened with my first love; thats what I have to look at; the coward ess of it. Not having an outside3 life after all. Not stepping back in and taking her back because I believed in her. Realizing she never believed in me because I was around the wrong people.
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Regardless; when I met my first love I was to love her unconditionally; never judge her; why would I judge someone I loved; and their it is; I took the cowards way out; and Im not sure why I buckled; could be the mother psychopath I had to deal with broke me; and Im sure thats what happened; my nervous system was devastated so badly I could not function anymore. I was in a state of shock and sick from it; so; going back up to the sociopath to love her didnt work.
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Heres the deal; I was suppose to love her when I first met her; not judge her; that is what I have to work on; following through so I can be happy... Im now working with God to follow through on her memories until I fulfill what God wanted me to fulfill.
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I did love her and she did respond to that love but then I turned on her instead of following through and loving her; and I never talked to her about it; never sat her down where it was just between me and her; Instead I broke and made it other peoples business... I had no support anywhere. Nothing...
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I was later around people that would break my boundaries when they had no business doing so... and I could see through them; see what they were...
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I just wanted support from somewhere. I think God was trying to show me I would not get it from sociopaths no matter what direction I went. But as for the girl; he thought she could be saved and I did not follow through; and I want to know why; thats all this is about.... I made excuses to back out of it; my coward ess because I was expected to sit down with her and work things out and continue to have a life with her and thats what I was rebelling against; the responsibility of moving forward with her and my life. I wanted to continue to be in my parents life to bother them; plaque them about what they had done to me; I did not want to grow or grow upward and onward; I wanted to stay a child in their lives and make them pay for what they did; revenge was more important then getting on with my life.
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The goal is getting me back to sanity where Im taking care of my own problems. I mean; look at what Im writing here; why did I end up pulling away from this person where I have to become safe and write it all about her here instead of taking care of it with her at the time. Thats the coward ess and what I have to face; and how to re create that scenario with Gods help and follow through again... so I can face what I could not face and I have to work with God on this finding the right people do to this with... Im scared; its not easy what I have to face; its adolescent stuff I Neve faced during my adolescence... I cowar- out around all women; at some point I dont follow through; I get cautious and didn't move anymore; wont follow through.... And so; working with God to find the right women that I feel safe around to practice this; The problem has been; Im finding more psychopaths like my mother to practice with... thats the problem...
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Im so completely out of touch with who I am and where I am. Ive not been able to let women into my life for various reasons; the first being; I need a starter girl; someone to get started with; I need experience as someone who follows through so I can get experience for the first time starting again; and the horrible grief associated with it... So; Im getting closer to what I need... How it will be done; its up to God... God is who brings me what I need and I guess God is preparing me.
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I saw this women I know; she would be fun in bed but I wont do it or even try it; its way over my courage level; thats the best way to put it; Ive not past the basic courage test with women; nothing because I just am or was a little boy that wanted to be loved. And thats all I really want; nothing more and never wanted anything else and I never purposely attracted anyone that could really help ever.
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So; God is getting me up to speed So I can face who I am and start. The people when young I thought were my friends that were going to help; they left me; actually they did something much worse; they were never really with me in the first place and had nothing but contempt for me...
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Ill continue to grow and develop... hopefully addressing this problem with getting through my childhood and adolescence stage so I can get an adult life... thats the hard part and all I want....
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I have allot of things to face for the first time and Ive tried in the past but I was betrayed and Now I see God saying to me that the people I attracted where no good anyway... So it didnt really matter; they were just scum taking advantage of me and I never knew it... or wanted to know it.
So; now I pray for the right people to help me... And I think God is showing me who the wrong people are because I make the wrong people into the right people and thats the problem.
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When the wrong people show up Im not able to stand up to them; Im dont have the strength at all or the experience; Im like a little kid with them and I dont get anywhere with them ever. And this cycle continues over n over n over n over n over for ever; Im waking up to it... Its like not being able to face bullies; its just goes on n on n on... over n over n over... returning to the same problems; its Neve ends; but Im starting to wake up and see it for what it is.... I have to keep working with God to get to a point of at least facing some basic fears and over coming them I hope... basic stuff; Ill need allot of help from supportive people; so Im working with God on who those nice people will be who are sensitive and caring and want to work with me slowly and sincerely. Something like that...
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So; back to my first love; Instead of following through with her in conversation; I turned and manipulated her setting her up as the fall guy and I taking the innocent victim role and thus blamed her so I could get out of having to continue a relationship with her because it would have been to uncomfortable to face the responsibilities of being with her; stuff I would have to have done on my side. I know its ridiculous and wrong on my part but I coundnt stop it from happening... So; to get the self esteem needed to do this; Im facing this and working on this right now; God is helping me.
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The disaster that has befallen me lately was the loss of a girl I loved... I never hit on her; and instead of waiting for me honorably; she simply went out with someone else in front of me.. later tried to give me the eye like she was in love with me. In other words she was playing me; acting like her girl groups shes trying to fit in with and impress... So; she through away any relationship she could have had with me instead to look good with her girl group and fit in. And I lost someone I loved; I didnt know that was going to happen or I would have never gotten involved; but she must have known from the start thats what she had planned on doing... its like being put in my place so she could shine with her girl friends and social status... making a guy inferior.. to look good in front of her girl friends that they've got it going on... and in the process the soulmate I thought I had does not exist. Or never existed or does not exist anymore... she is gone... She is turning out like her boyfriend; lawless rich acting spoiled privileged upper crust... or superior socially... I did not know thats what I was walking into; but I kind of did.. something was not right... thats why I never got involved...
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Ill survive regardless; keep taking it all to the universe; to the lord and keep working at it... God will sort it out completely.... Ill get out all my hatred and anger and revenge and resentments I guess on these people until Im done playing these games... Ill keep working with God on all of this...
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So; Im staring to get it; Its about facing things; things a mother and father and a decent young life would have shown me... But I never got that chance... I would have killed myself if I didnt have my parents; meaning to deal with what im trying to face; if they weren't their; because they weren't their; I could not face facing anything if they didnt show up; now; I can face these things with help from others if they dont show up; so Ive gotten that fare; but that doesn't mean I can face them alone; I cant; Ill need help and one small tiny step at a time; but I get it.... and I know I have to face them; meaning ' I" have to face them; turn and face them and work with God from the beginning; one step at a time and work through it...
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My adolescence problems destroyed my love life and any relationships with women and id like to address that so I can have relationships... trust problem; but more then that; relationship problems.
And I end up around creepy people that cant have relationships with people and Im wondering why I end up around those kinds of weirdos.... What for... Ill keep working with God on it... it does me no good... I cant get anywhere with them....
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So ; the first problem with women is; I have to talk to them. In the past I attracted them; but would not talk to them. I could not...
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I remember one women that liked me. I never went out with her I froze up. If I had gone out with her; I would have been married to her in 6 months and then she would have had children in 6 months... I wouldn't allow that because of pain and hatred and anger from my past and fear and loathing and hatred about being forced into a situation I never wanted to be in; meaning where my life Was at the time... So; how do I go back and face all the humiliation before that whenI was younger; how do I face all the people that clobbered me and stopped me; all of them who where never really my friends and I was being used and never knew it or the bullies involved.
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I have allot of things to face concerning dissociation and it starts with getting honest; lots of stuff I dont want to get honest about but I have to if Im going to face things and get better....
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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